Reply to Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am in a similar situation in that I have two parents (divorced) needing care (including dementia) and I am the sibling living away.  This is also a difficult position to be in.  I am sorry that I now longer live at home but I can't change that.  You need to make specific requests of your siblings that they can do.  My siblings think I somehow know what needs to be done and can just do it when in fact I have no idea.  My parents' decline has ruined the relationship I had with my siblings.  Before that, I was on okay terms with one and was best friends with the other.  Now all the fighting about the parental workload has ruined that, maybe forever.  Don't burn yourself out.  Communicate with them and tell them what you need.  [/quote]

OP I am sorry to hear that. In my case, I had a good relationship with my younger brother my whole life-drifted a little, but always amicable. My older sister was mostly nasty to me growing up and through adulthood we didn't see eachother often, but when we did it was usually civil because I mostly ignored digs, changed the subject and kept encounters brief and stayed polite even when she wasn't. Now, my resentment stems more from their expectations of me and the tone like i am their hired help. I think my brother and I will be fine when all is said and done. We have a foundation and I know he is dealing with a child with issues now. My sister and I will probably end up estranged because this just magnified and makes worse cracks that were already there. I am stressed enough and so it is harder to deal with her difficult personality.

If I had to say the minimum I need from them is to simply show they understand that I am doing a lot, this is a challenging situation and they understand I do this for free. When they talk to me you would assume they hired me and I owe them things. Ask for my input rather than assuming things from afar. Ask if there is anything they can do to be helpful. I will specifically tell them things like please help try to convince them to allow hired help in. When visiting it is helpful if they help our parents with specific tasks, but mostly with my sister, she wants to be catered to. [/quote]

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