Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 16:06     Subject: Re:Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation in that I have two parents (divorced) needing care (including dementia) and I am the sibling living away. This is also a difficult position to be in. I am sorry that I now longer live at home but I can't change that. You need to make specific requests of your siblings that they can do. My siblings think I somehow know what needs to be done and can just do it when in fact I have no idea. My parents' decline has ruined the relationship I had with my siblings. Before that, I was on okay terms with one and was best friends with the other. Now all the fighting about the parental workload has ruined that, maybe forever. Don't burn yourself out. Communicate with them and tell them what you need.


OP I am sorry to hear that. In my case, I had a good relationship with my younger brother my whole life-drifted a little, but always amicable. My older sister was mostly nasty to me growing up and through adulthood we didn't see eachother often, but when we did it was usually civil because I mostly ignored digs, changed the subject and kept encounters brief and stayed polite even when she wasn't. Now, my resentment stems more from their expectations of me and the tone like i am their hired help. I think my brother and I will be fine when all is said and done. We have a foundation and I know he is dealing with a child with issues now. My sister and I will probably end up estranged because this just magnified and makes worse cracks that were already there. I am stressed enough and so it is harder to deal with her difficult personality.

If I had to say the minimum I need from them is to simply show they understand that I am doing a lot, this is a challenging situation and they understand I do this for free. When they talk to me you would assume they hired me and I owe them things. Ask for my input rather than assuming things from afar. Ask if there is anything they can do to be helpful. I will specifically tell them things like please help try to convince them to allow hired help in. When visiting it is helpful if they help our parents with specific tasks, but mostly with my sister, she wants to be catered to.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 15:41     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
OP here. Thank you.It helps to know I am not alone and it is sweet of people to defend me.

One issue is they adamantly refuse hired help for a long list of reasons. They can more than afford it and we can pay, but they will not allow it. I have thought of contacting the neurologist to see if she can help convince them to allow it.

Also yes the personality changes with dementia are hard to accept. It was especially helpful when the poster shared her story of what the PT observed. My mother is only at the very early stages, but my father is farther along. My mother is stressed and will be in credibly combative and nasty over minor things. It is helpful to think of what you were told. In my mother's case it's more the stress than the disease.If anyone else spoke to me that way I'd get away or get them into counseling with me (like if my husband were like that). I am going to set more boundaries, but I do get it comes from a place of fear and I am a safe person. It also doesn't sting like it used to. It just is draining walking on eggshells.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 15:21     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
What would happen if you let her postpone, fall apart and be a mess? What are these non-negotiable things?
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 15:17     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
When your siblings complain can you just tell them to go on care.com and hire someone to do whatever it is they want you to do? There are only really two options for them if they don’t like all that you are doing 1) do it themselves or 2) pay someone to do it for them.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 14:57     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
Anonymous wrote: If they hadn't been good parents and if I didn't understand what a PITA I was growing up I would throw in the towel. No way could I manage this for my inlaws who were not good parents and not kind to me either.

My father has dementia and health issues and mom is maybe starting to fade, but pretty functional. I am the one who lives closest who helps out and I get the brunt of her anxiety and fury. Unfortunately there are things that must get done so I have to negotiate with her when and how I can help because everything overwhelms her right now. I cannot tell you how many times I have been yelled at by her. This is non-negotiable stuff. If I backed off, she would postpone and then fall apart and be a mess. Every now and i then she shares gratitude and I truly appreciate that. Also, I take great pride in how far we've come with finding the right doctors and help otherwise thanks to my intervening. I am learning to calmly address her and I think rather than ignore her yelling at me I will start saying "I know you are stressed. I am trying to ease some of that, but I will not continue to be yelled at by you." I try to give her choices and make her feel in control, but sometimes she just does loses it and at those time I will simply offer to talk to her when she is calmer.

My siblings come into town now and then and aren't much help. That is fine, but I have zero tolerance for them calling me and treating me like the hired nurse or social worker. They call me anxious about things expecting me to fix everything. They also want me to convey things to my parents that they don't want to convey because apparently I should be the only one getting verbally assaulted. I am now simply telling them any concerns they have need to be share directly. I will not be a messenger.

I have my ways to cope and I will suck it up regardless because I truly feel I owe it to them, but man is it hard setting boundaries. My brother and sister are the worst expecting me to convey their every message and then they call my parents only with pleasantries. So I am supposed to be the bad guy. Ever since i told them I would not be their messenger they now complain about me to my parents and feel I am not doing enough. I am married with a family of my own and a job so that is all a priority.

It is what it is. At some point I'll join a support group in person, now i just do message boards online and it helps. Anyone relate? Oh and if someone would like to call me a martyr-spare me. I am trying to keep my head above water and I already get enough BS from my sister especially and dealing with my parents.


Are you a woman? Is it only women who put up with crap like this?
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 14:37     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
In a similar situation to OP. What are the good online support groups? Any in the Midwest to recommend?
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 14:35     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
Sibley hospital used to have a drop off respite for days or overnight I believe.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 14:35     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As someone who lost both their parents by the time I was 30, including one as a young child, I would give anything to be in your situation, OP.

I know you're tired and stressed, but you also have had a lot of tremendous good fortune - gratitude and recognition of that might put things into perspective.


You have very clearly never dealt with dementia before. Trust me, Op has "lost" that parent already. You have no clue.


As someone who works in memory care, no you absolutely would not. Its easily as horrific as dying young and suddenly, with prolonged health effects on the caregivers. I am so sorry for your loss PP, but that doesn't mean OP has it "better". Dementia is awful. Our response to it is barely adequate as a society as well.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 14:34     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
Please hire caregivers to take the pressure off of you for now. This is a long road for you to travel and you need to not burn yourself out.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 14:25     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wowee, OP, aren't you just too wonderful for words?!


You are a very fortunate person. Not being able to sympathize with OP means you haven't experienced it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's a terrible way to spend your lasts years with your parents.


Mother with Lewy body so I know! However, I did not brag about how wonderful I was to take care of her.


She wasn’t bragging. My, you are an unpleasant person!
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 13:46     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
Anonymous wrote:As someone who lost both their parents by the time I was 30, including one as a young child, I would give anything to be in your situation, OP.

I know you're tired and stressed, but you also have had a lot of tremendous good fortune - gratitude and recognition of that might put things into perspective.


You have very clearly never dealt with dementia before. Trust me, Op has "lost" that parent already. You have no clue.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 13:39     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wowee, OP, aren't you just too wonderful for words?!


You are a very fortunate person. Not being able to sympathize with OP means you haven't experienced it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's a terrible way to spend your lasts years with your parents.


Mother with Lewy body so I know! However, I did not brag about how wonderful I was to take care of her.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 13:36     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
Aw, hang in there, OP! You sound like you're doing a terrific job in a really difficult situation. I'm not quite at the same place, but worry about the future at times. My parents are divorced and each lives alone. They get along fine, but it does mean extra coordination. I live 15' from them (they randomly live 5' from each other), and have a younger sister who lives about an hour away. She has a host of problems, and despite mostly good intentions ends up making things much harder. Our mom had cancer a few years ago, and I did the lion's share of the work, despite being pregnant for a good part of her treatment. My mom had a lot of friends who helped, but my sister complicated matters. Of course, I was always the easy kid, and she was the PITA.

DH and I have three kids, little right now, but I worry about having to balance their adolescent needs with those of my parents, if/when we get to that. So, I'm with you in spirit if not in the exact same spot right now. Take good care, hold those boundaries, and all best to you.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 13:32     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
Anonymous wrote:As someone who lost both their parents by the time I was 30, including one as a young child, I would give anything to be in your situation, OP.

I know you're tired and stressed, but you also have had a lot of tremendous good fortune - gratitude and recognition of that might put things into perspective.


dementia takes your parent from you while they're still alive. I lost my only parent before 30 too but I wouldn't necessarily give anything to have those days back. I'd go to the moon and back to spend more time, but the end of life for a dementia patient is not the time you want.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2018 13:22     Subject: Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wowee, OP, aren't you just too wonderful for words?!


She’s pretty wonderful in my book. You, on the other hand, offer nothing.


+1.

OP, I'm sure your parents don't want you to have this burden by yourself. I think they know the sacrifices you've made.

Ugg, I don't want to burden my kids when I am older. But you'll never know. I just hope I have one good kid like the OP.