Reply to When did you get over your spouse's affair? Or did you?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am pp that recommended Esther Perel. I am also someone who was cheated on and left/divorced. Some marriages are worth saving and sounds like OP isn’t ready to throw up two fingas for hers. Esther Perel seems to focus on how to move past the infidelity and have a better? or at least a different marriage. Focusing on the hurt and betrayal and gaslighting and so on will not help OP stay married IMO it will just make/keep her miserable for however long she chooses to remain married to her children’s father. [/quote]

Sooooooo she should just bury the hurt and betrayal and gaslighting deep down and slap on a happy face? Maybe some booze or Prozac? The H should be doing backflips to reassure her and bring her peace. We know he's not doing that. Even Esther Perel can't make him.[/quote]

She has to control those things she can control and that is HER. OP says she doesn’t want to break up her family. Being hurt and pissed off at her husband for the next however many years is good for no one especially OP. Even if she ultimately decided to leave staying hurt and angry is not healthy, trust me I know. At some point you have to decide it happened and you will get over it and stay married or get over it and divorce and in both cases get on with the business of living. [/quote]

That may be, but the wound of infidelity is traumatic = PTSD.  She can't just get over it; it will take time.

I think some of Perel's remarks are callous. Not all ideas floated by therapists are sound.

The cheater made a unilateral decision to cheat.  All marriages have problems or areas of disagreement at some point.  So one partner decides that's justification for cheating while the other partner is in the same marriage with the same problems, yet does not cheat.  Dr. Phil says you don't solve problems within a marriage by going outside of the marriage.  Shirley Glass, who wrote Not Just Friends, said that infidelity is the nuclear option.

To answer OP's question, Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth, and a website about infidelity (dearpeggy.com) writes that it takes a minimum of 2-3 years, and that's if the spouse who had the affair is putting forth their best effort.  Trust needs to be rebuilt by the cheater, and that happens one step at a time.
http://dearpeggy.com/2-affairs/com032.html
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