Reply to "the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage"

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Reply to ""the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage""

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Well, my DH cheated a number of years ago- we had a small child and it felt like the worst kind of betrayal. We are still married, and in hindsight, I will take responsibility for my part in why certain aspects of our marriage weren't working well--but I will leave the cheating on the table. That was his choice and it nearly cost him his family. Fortunately, he saw that, ended things immediately with OW, and has grown up as a spouse and father. 
It's behind us, but it changes the relationship forever- it creates a wound that can be reopened when times are tough. It adds a little extra weight, even years later.[/quote]

Finally, an intelligent response. An affair is usually a sign of shared problems by two with a failure by one. PP presents a very realistic portrayal of real life. Sadly, not many marriages recover as hers has even though she admits that it changes the relationship forever and is a wound that can be reopened. [/quote]

pp here- I don't want to over explain, but I think the future of the marriage really depends on the cheater taking full responsibility for cheating and taking immediate steps to instill trust- immediately breaking ties with AP, checking in regularly and dealing with the aftermath as if you caused a terrible wound- because you did. Any ambivalence needs to be taken care of separately- if the person who cheated is not 100%, they need to move out. Otherwise they just continue to cause damage. A friend of mine experienced her husband cheating, then had the added burden of helping him deal with *his* feelings about the other woman and whether he still wanted to be married. It was the height of selfishness, and that is a marriage that is not recovering.

After the initial shock of cheating and a commitment to staying married if possible--then it's a good time to sort through problems. Accepting that people are flawed, that we can't know someone as well as we think we do, people can change, and there is a big picture, it's all part of growing up--but it starts with taking responsibility. [/quote]

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