Reply to I lose respect for DH when I hear him talk with his mother....

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your DH is right, he is doing the right thing. What would be the point of him arguing? Isn't this better for DH's sanity? And obviously, you don't do what she demands/wants. Your DH is a smart guy, who sounds mature and knows what is important and what is fine to let go. You should learn from him.[/quote]

I guess I would just like to have him stand up to her - as in, "We work hard, we're good people, we're trying our best as parents, we're providing our family with what they need and more....we've got this, back off!" Ya know!  But you're right, it wouldn't change anything...she'd just get mad and feign hurt and then keep doing what she does....

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It sounds more like you're upset about the lack of validation YOU get from your MIL than you are about the actual woman and her relationship to DH.

If you'd like to end your marriage, continue to try to damage his relationship with his mom. If you'd like to stay married, follow his lead. It sounds like since there's so many of her wishes you both  haven't succumbed to (no international trip, no kids alone, no nose job), he's doing what needs to be done without cause a war with a 75 year old woman.

I really hope you interact with your family EXACTLY the way your DH wouldl like. Forget that you've known them for 30 years, DH obviously knows better![/quote]

I don't seek validation from her as much as I just want her to let us be (i.e. if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.)

Not sure what you mean by "continue to try to damage his relationship with his mom."  She does the damage all by herself.  I have involved myself when it came to setting real boundaries like drawing a hard line when it came to the safety of our kids and not spending money we don't have on trips she mandates.

DH is a man that any reasonable person would be proud to have as a son and all she can think to do is pick him apart, badger him and tear him down.  It is hard to watch.

As far as following his lead, believe me, I have mastered the "kill her with kindness", fake smile, and ignoring passive aggressive darts thrown in my direction.  I do this because it is HIS mother, not mine and I do it for him.  She saves her nastiest venom for one on one conversations with him when I'm not around (unless I'm in the room while he's on the phone and she doesn't know). I know there is no use in trying to correct her or change her so the only real way to end the abuse would be to cut her off, which DH would never do.

FWIW, my parents are unwaveringly supportive, loving and caring of BOTH of us and he loves being with them.  Maybe it is the contrast that makes it even more shocking to me even after all these years.

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