Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is right, he is doing the right thing. What would be the point of him arguing? Isn't this better for DH's sanity? And obviously, you don't do what she demands/wants. Your DH is a smart guy, who sounds mature and knows what is important and what is fine to let go. You should learn from him.

I guess I would just like to have him stand up to her - as in, "We work hard, we're good people, we're trying our best as parents, we're providing our family with what they need and more....we've got this, back off!" Ya know! But you're right, it wouldn't change anything...she'd just get mad and feign hurt and then keep doing what she does....

It sounds more like you're upset about the lack of validation YOU get from your MIL than you are about the actual woman and her relationship to DH.

If you'd like to end your marriage, continue to try to damage his relationship with his mom. If you'd like to stay married, follow his lead. It sounds like since there's so many of her wishes you both haven't succumbed to (no international trip, no kids alone, no nose job), he's doing what needs to be done without cause a war with a 75 year old woman.

I really hope you interact with your family EXACTLY the way your DH wouldl like. Forget that you've known them for 30 years, DH obviously knows better!

I don't seek validation from her as much as I just want her to let us be (i.e. if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.)

Not sure what you mean by "continue to try to damage his relationship with his mom." She does the damage all by herself. I have involved myself when it came to setting real boundaries like drawing a hard line when it came to the safety of our kids and not spending money we don't have on trips she mandates.

DH is a man that any reasonable person would be proud to have as a son and all she can think to do is pick him apart, badger him and tear him down. It is hard to watch.

As far as following his lead, believe me, I have mastered the "kill her with kindness", fake smile, and ignoring passive aggressive darts thrown in my direction. I do this because it is HIS mother, not mine and I do it for him. She saves her nastiest venom for one on one conversations with him when I'm not around (unless I'm in the room while he's on the phone and she doesn't know). I know there is no use in trying to correct her or change her so the only real way to end the abuse would be to cut her off, which DH would never do.

FWIW, my parents are unwaveringly supportive, loving and caring of BOTH of us and he loves being with them. Maybe it is the contrast that makes it even more shocking to me even after all these years.

No matter what DH does, she will be like this. That's the point you're missing, and probably what he learned in his private therapy sessions. There is no course of action that will change her, so why beat your head on that wall?

His only choice is how to deal with the crazy, and he's chosen a fine way. Not your way, maybe, but a fine way. He ignores her demands, so he is protecting your family. Just don't listen when they talk.

I think DH is handling it the best way he can. Arguing with her is pointless. I'm sure at this point it just falls on deaf ears. It really sucks that his mother treats him this way, and that you cannot trust her to leave the kids with her, but he's right that he won't change a 75 year old. I get you feeling protective over him, but he's a big boy and can handle his Mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men marry their mothers. You should record your next conversation with him. You might be very surprised

Agree with the While this is common, it is not an absolute rule. My MIL and I are completely different in many many many ways. Nobody who knows both of us would ever say that we are similar.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is right, he is doing the right thing. What would be the point of him arguing? Isn't this better for DH's sanity? And obviously, you don't do what she demands/wants. Your DH is a smart guy, who sounds mature and knows what is important and what is fine to let go. You should learn from him.

I guess I would just like to have him stand up to her - as in, "We work hard, we're good people, we're trying our best as parents, we're providing our family with what they need and more....we've got this, back off!" Ya know! But you're right, it wouldn't change anything...she'd just get mad and feign hurt and then keep doing what she does....

It sounds more like you're upset about the lack of validation YOU get from your MIL than you are about the actual woman and her relationship to DH.

If you'd like to end your marriage, continue to try to damage his relationship with his mom. If you'd like to stay married, follow his lead. It sounds like since there's so many of her wishes you both haven't succumbed to (no international trip, no kids alone, no nose job), he's doing what needs to be done without cause a war with a 75 year old woman.

I really hope you interact with your family EXACTLY the way your DH wouldl like. Forget that you've known them for 30 years, DH obviously knows better!

I used to fight every battle with my mother, correct every mistatement on her part. Now I just sit back and let it blow over me. Life is so much better now.

I guess from the outside I look like a doormat. That's not the case at all. This is hard fought. You have no idea how much mental real estate goes into saying "Yes mother, yes yes yes" And then forgetting about everything she says.

Anonymous wrote:Men marry their mothers. You should record your next conversation with him. You might be very surprised

Men marry their mothers. You should record your next conversation with him. You might be very surprised

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Instead of losing respect for him, you should admire his stoicism and fortitude, and ultimate wisdom for not fighting with CRAZY.

You should instead help him set boundaries.

You're not a nice person at all, OP, and perhaps not as mature as you imagine yourself to be.

That is pretty swift and broad judgement of me based on a venting post. There is so much more of me to know

I am the only reason DH has set boundaries. I have helped him. I admire DH for many things, but when his mother attacks, it is hard for me not feel protective of our entire family. And I don't want him to "fight", but I don't like that he appeases her either. I feel like it just further enables her to continue mistreating family.

Pp you responded to.
Yes, I've learned to be careful with my writing when I start a thread - too much info, people don't read, not enough, people jump to conclusions.
The bottom line is, either you continue coaching him, or you go to a therapist together.

Having BTDT, I can recommend limited contact and not sharing too much info she could use against him. It's hard to implement fully, because it goes against the impulse to share everything and bond with a loved one. The sad truth is that you can't bond with people like that, even though they can make you think that before they twist in the knife.

I thought this was going to be a post about how your DH is an asshole to his mom but instead it sounds like he's a pretty good guy. Not sure why you're complaining.

Anonymous wrote:
Instead of losing respect for him, you should admire his stoicism and fortitude, and ultimate wisdom for not fighting with CRAZY.

You should instead help him set boundaries.

You're not a nice person at all, OP, and perhaps not as mature as you imagine yourself to be.

That is pretty swift and broad judgement of me based on a venting post. There is so much more of me to know

I am the only reason DH has set boundaries. I have helped him. I admire DH for many things, but when his mother attacks, it is hard for me not feel protective of our entire family. And I don't want him to "fight", but I don't like that he appeases her either. I feel like it just further enables her to continue mistreating family.

Instead of losing respect for him, you should admire his stoicism and fortitude, and ultimate wisdom for not fighting with CRAZY.

You should instead help him set boundaries.

You're not a nice person at all, OP, and perhaps not as mature as you imagine yourself to be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what was the issue with your MIL having the kids here and there? What was she doing, what kind of influence was she trying to establish? Was she telling him that you are terrible, cheating, crazy? Were your kids unsafe in her care? Nose job is such a tiny thing, rambling of a 75 year old. Yesterday my FIL decided to tell me that he will take DS(now 18) for a train ride to the same place where my DS first shoplifted! I was, what? He went on, how DS was around 2 years old and they were by this old train station and DS was playing with a toy and just walked away with it. I asked how come he didn't stop him? No answer. He repeated the same story today to DH, who told me that never happened, never heard about this ever before, and we do not recall FIL taking DS on any train rides then or ever alone. My point is, we both just nodded, and let him carry on, and then said, something, how nice that you want to take him for a train ride. Apart from telling you here, for a perspective point, we both realize that arguing, making sure we make it "right," is pointless and a waste of our energy. I do the same with my mom. She still brings up that I should dye my hair red/orange like Nicole Kidman once had. My brown/auburn hair has never ben good enough, it is just now that I am older, I quite frankly do not care.

LOL! Love these stories.

The kids were unsafe. She thinks car seats are ridiculous safety overkill. Didn't matter if we left a seat with her. (She has received several tickets for this riding around with my nieces and nephews) She gives out prescription medications as she sees fit to babies/kids (that are not prescribed for them). She is basically offended by any instructions/preferences/rules we would give her and make it a point to do the opposite just to show us that she knows better.

She sounds like she's actually harmful to her grandchildren. I can see why you don't want her to watch them.

She took my niece to get her ear's pierced against my SIL's wishes. Just did it. Said my 7 year old niece wanted it and my SIL was a hypocrite for not allowing it because she herself had her ears pierced. My SIL hit the roof.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what was the issue with your MIL having the kids here and there? What was she doing, what kind of influence was she trying to establish? Was she telling him that you are terrible, cheating, crazy? Were your kids unsafe in her care? Nose job is such a tiny thing, rambling of a 75 year old. Yesterday my FIL decided to tell me that he will take DS(now 18) for a train ride to the same place where my DS first shoplifted! I was, what? He went on, how DS was around 2 years old and they were by this old train station and DS was playing with a toy and just walked away with it. I asked how come he didn't stop him? No answer. He repeated the same story today to DH, who told me that never happened, never heard about this ever before, and we do not recall FIL taking DS on any train rides then or ever alone. My point is, we both just nodded, and let him carry on, and then said, something, how nice that you want to take him for a train ride. Apart from telling you here, for a perspective point, we both realize that arguing, making sure we make it "right," is pointless and a waste of our energy. I do the same with my mom. She still brings up that I should dye my hair red/orange like Nicole Kidman once had. My brown/auburn hair has never ben good enough, it is just now that I am older, I quite frankly do not care.

LOL! Love these stories.

The kids were unsafe. She thinks car seats are ridiculous safety overkill. Didn't matter if we left a seat with her. (She has received several tickets for this riding around with my nieces and nephews) She gives out prescription medications as she sees fit to babies/kids (that are not prescribed for them). She is basically offended by any instructions/preferences/rules we would give her and make it a point to do the opposite just to show us that she knows better.

She sounds like she's actually harmful to her grandchildren. I can see why you don't want her to watch them.

Anonymous wrote:So ya know, they often say men marry women who resemble their mom in certain ways... how are you doing on the bullying and berating DH front, OP?

I've thought about that myself. Of course, I never aim to be a bully, but have noticed that when I'm mad at him for something, he is really sweet and affectionate....mommy issues?????