Reply to If you and your child just do not get along

Forum Index » Tweens and Teens

Reply to "If you and your child just do not get along"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again.  I think some of the guilt comes because I had PPD when DC was born.  I feel like DC picked up on this (I know, it may or may not be crazy).[/quote]

Actually, I think DC is picking up on the fact that he/she reminds you of your spouse and inlaws and that you dislike those traits in him/her.

[/quote]

OP here. Legitimate point - I do worry about that.[/quote]

Yep.  Telling yourself stories in an attempt to "explain" DC's personality or behavior is a huge mistake.

You may think you're trying to "understand" DC, but really it's all in your head.  You're interacting with a live human being (DC), but then going into your own thoughts to try to create connections and build a story about why DC is the way he or she is.

When you think abou it that way, can you see how it diverts your attention and mental presence away from your actual DC?

More importantly perhaps, can you see how it may actually feel insulting to him/her when you "explain" away his or her personality by connecting it with bad things in your life (the worst traits you see in DH and his family . . . your history of PPD)? True, you may not be saying those things aloud to him or her, but kids are highly attuned to their parents.  They FEEL IT and KNOW when you are judging them negatively as a certain type of person.

IMHO, your mindset is the biggest barrier to building a relationship with your DC, who is an actual human being, not an extension of your DH, his family, your PPD or anything else.

So step one is just to notice when you do this.  Just notice when your thoughts stray into the "story telling" mode about DC, and when you get in your head trying to "explain" DC to yourself.

Practice noticing it and then making a choice to bring your thoughts back to real life.  Right now.  In the moment.

[b]Focus on what your DC is doing/saying.  Ask yourself what he/she needs from you in the moment.  If you're not sure, ask him/her.  Literally, "What do you need right now?" or "What can I do to make this easier?"  "How can we figure this out together?"

Practice being CURIOUS about learning about DC right then and there in the situation, rather than going into your head to pull up an opinion, a judgment, or pre-conceived notion about who DC is and why.[/b]

[/quote]

Here's a great article on this subject.

The author is humbe and funny, not preachy.  She gave this "how can I love you better" thing a try and described the results.  Good stuff!

http://www.wholeliving.com/134135/love-experiment-one-question-changes-everything

Thanks I loved this article! 
[/quote][/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics