Anonymous
07/16/2017 11:58
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
OP here. Sorry to gush, but I am so appreciative of the PPs who id'd and discussed their experiences. To know I am not alone is a tremendous help, and to have different persoectives is even bigger. Keep them coming.
Anonymous
07/15/2017 00:39
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
Anonymous wrote:My kids were out of control and my life had become completely unmanageable. I went to therapy because I wanted to have a good relationship with them.
So I sat in my therapist's office and bitched and moaned about how they don't understand authority and they're manipulative and stubborn and it's just like my brother in law and the other one is just like my own mother who I have a hard relationship. What is the reason this one does this, and the other one behaves like her grandmother who is highly opinionated. you get the picture.
The therapist told me one thing I continue to remind myself over and over (10 years later)--"Your child is an individual person, with a brain, a will, and a soul of his/her own."
The problems I was working out with my kids and husband were issues I have with other people. Therefore, it was actually all my problem to learn to deal with. She helped me and now we have regular ups and downs but it is so much better.
Projection. Get help for you and all your relationships will improve IF you do the work.
Not the OP. This was very helpful. Thanks for sharing it. Good therapist.
Anonymous
07/14/2017 23:06
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. I think some of the guilt comes because I had PPD when DC was born. I feel like DC picked up on this (I know, it may or may not be crazy).
Actually, I think DC is picking up on the fact that he/she reminds you of your spouse and inlaws and that you dislike those traits in him/her.
OP here. Legitimate point - I do worry about that.
Yep. Telling yourself stories in an attempt to "explain" DC's personality or behavior is a huge mistake.
You may think you're trying to "understand" DC, but really it's all in your head. You're interacting with a live human being (DC), but then going into your own thoughts to try to create connections and build a story about why DC is the way he or she is.
When you think abou it that way, can you see how it diverts your attention and mental presence away from your actual DC?
More importantly perhaps, can you see how it may actually feel insulting to him/her when you "explain" away his or her personality by connecting it with bad things in your life (the worst traits you see in DH and his family . . . your history of PPD)? True, you may not be saying those things aloud to him or her, but kids are highly attuned to their parents. They FEEL IT and KNOW when you are judging them negatively as a certain type of person.
IMHO, your mindset is the biggest barrier to building a relationship with your DC, who is an actual human being, not an extension of your DH, his family, your PPD or anything else.
So step one is just to notice when you do this. Just notice when your thoughts stray into the "story telling" mode about DC, and when you get in your head trying to "explain" DC to yourself.
Practice noticing it and then making a choice to bring your thoughts back to real life. Right now. In the moment.
Focus on what your DC is doing/saying. Ask yourself what he/she needs from you in the moment. If you're not sure, ask him/her. Literally, "What do you need right now?" or "What can I do to make this easier?" "How can we figure this out together?"
Practice being CURIOUS about learning about DC right then and there in the situation, rather than going into your head to pull up an opinion, a judgment, or pre-conceived notion about who DC is and why.
Here's a great article on this subject.
The author is humbe and funny, not preachy. She gave this "how can I love you better" thing a try and described the results. Good stuff!
http://www.wholeliving.com/134135/love-experiment-one-question-changes-everything
Thanks I loved this article!
Anonymous
07/14/2017 19:36
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The root of your child's disagreeable behavior lies in his early childhood and in inherited traits. The foundation of a lifelong harmonious connection with a child is laid during babyhood.
Many children feel abandoned when their mother goes back to work too soon, and this is when their behavior issues start.
I have found the book Being There by Erica Komisar extremely helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Being-There-Prioritizing-Motherhood-Matters/dp/0143109294/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500049424&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=erika+komisar
Good luck!
IGNORANT PIECE OF SHIT ALERT!
x100000
Anonymous
07/14/2017 12:48
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
Anonymous wrote:The root of your child's disagreeable behavior lies in his early childhood and in inherited traits. The foundation of a lifelong harmonious connection with a child is laid during babyhood.
Many children feel abandoned when their mother goes back to work too soon, and this is when their behavior issues start.
I have found the book Being There by Erica Komisar extremely helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Being-There-Prioritizing-Motherhood-Matters/dp/0143109294/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500049424&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=erika+komisar
Good luck!
IGNORANT PIECE OF SHIT ALERT!
Anonymous
07/14/2017 12:45
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
Anonymous wrote:The root of your child's disagreeable behavior lies in his early childhood and in inherited traits. The foundation of a lifelong harmonious connection with a child is laid during babyhood.
Many children feel abandoned when their mother goes back to work too soon, and this is when their behavior issues start.
I have found the book Being There by Erica Komisar extremely helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Being-There-Prioritizing-Motherhood-Matters/dp/0143109294/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500049424&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=erika+komisar
Good luck!
Hilarious!!
Do you have any recommendations for OP?
Or are you saying that her relationship with her teenager was determined before her child turned one and there's nothing now that will change it?
Anonymous
07/14/2017 12:25
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
The root of your child's disagreeable behavior lies in his early childhood and in inherited traits. The foundation of a lifelong harmonious connection with a child is laid during babyhood.
Many children feel abandoned when their mother goes back to work too soon, and this is when their behavior issues start.
I have found the book Being There by Erica Komisar extremely helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Being-There-Prioritizing-Motherhood-Matters/dp/0143109294/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500049424&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=erika+komisar
Good luck!
Many children feel abandoned when their mother goes back to work too soon, and this is when their behavior issues start.
I have found the book Being There by Erica Komisar extremely helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Being-There-Prioritizing-Motherhood-Matters/dp/0143109294/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500049424&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=erika+komisar
Good luck!
Anonymous
07/14/2017 11:48
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
Anonymous wrote:My kids were out of control and my life had become completely unmanageable. I went to therapy because I wanted to have a good relationship with them.
So I sat in my therapist's office and bitched and moaned about how they don't understand authority and they're manipulative and stubborn and it's just like my brother in law and the other one is just like my own mother who I have a hard relationship. What is the reason this one does this, and the other one behaves like her grandmother who is highly opinionated. you get the picture.
The therapist told me one thing I continue to remind myself over and over (10 years later)--"Your child is an individual person, with a brain, a will, and a soul of his/her own."
The problems I was working out with my kids and husband were issues I have with other people. Therefore, it was actually all my problem to learn to deal with. She helped me and now we have regular ups and downs but it is so much better.
Projection. Get help for you and all your relationships will improve IF you do the work.
+1000
Anonymous
07/14/2017 11:46
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. I think some of the guilt comes because I had PPD when DC was born. I feel like DC picked up on this (I know, it may or may not be crazy).
Actually, I think DC is picking up on the fact that he/she reminds you of your spouse and inlaws and that you dislike those traits in him/her.
OP here. Legitimate point - I do worry about that.
Yep. Telling yourself stories in an attempt to "explain" DC's personality or behavior is a huge mistake.
You may think you're trying to "understand" DC, but really it's all in your head. You're interacting with a live human being (DC), but then going into your own thoughts to try to create connections and build a story about why DC is the way he or she is.
When you think abou it that way, can you see how it diverts your attention and mental presence away from your actual DC?
More importantly perhaps, can you see how it may actually feel insulting to him/her when you "explain" away his or her personality by connecting it with bad things in your life (the worst traits you see in DH and his family . . . your history of PPD)? True, you may not be saying those things aloud to him or her, but kids are highly attuned to their parents. They FEEL IT and KNOW when you are judging them negatively as a certain type of person.
IMHO, your mindset is the biggest barrier to building a relationship with your DC, who is an actual human being, not an extension of your DH, his family, your PPD or anything else.
So step one is just to notice when you do this. Just notice when your thoughts stray into the "story telling" mode about DC, and when you get in your head trying to "explain" DC to yourself.
Practice noticing it and then making a choice to bring your thoughts back to real life. Right now. In the moment.
Focus on what your DC is doing/saying. Ask yourself what he/she needs from you in the moment. If you're not sure, ask him/her. Literally, "What do you need right now?" or "What can I do to make this easier?" "How can we figure this out together?"
Practice being CURIOUS about learning about DC right then and there in the situation, rather than going into your head to pull up an opinion, a judgment, or pre-conceived notion about who DC is and why.
Here's a great article on this subject.
The author is humbe and funny, not preachy. She gave this "how can I love you better" thing a try and described the results. Good stuff!
http://www.wholeliving.com/134135/love-experiment-one-question-changes-everything
Anonymous
07/14/2017 11:36
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
My kids were out of control and my life had become completely unmanageable. I went to therapy because I wanted to have a good relationship with them.
So I sat in my therapist's office and bitched and moaned about how they don't understand authority and they're manipulative and stubborn and it's just like my brother in law and the other one is just like my own mother who I have a hard relationship. What is the reason this one does this, and the other one behaves like her grandmother who is highly opinionated. you get the picture.
The therapist told me one thing I continue to remind myself over and over (10 years later)--"Your child is an individual person, with a brain, a will, and a soul of his/her own."
The problems I was working out with my kids and husband were issues I have with other people. Therefore, it was actually all my problem to learn to deal with. She helped me and now we have regular ups and downs but it is so much better.
Projection. Get help for you and all your relationships will improve IF you do the work.
So I sat in my therapist's office and bitched and moaned about how they don't understand authority and they're manipulative and stubborn and it's just like my brother in law and the other one is just like my own mother who I have a hard relationship. What is the reason this one does this, and the other one behaves like her grandmother who is highly opinionated. you get the picture.
The therapist told me one thing I continue to remind myself over and over (10 years later)--"Your child is an individual person, with a brain, a will, and a soul of his/her own."
The problems I was working out with my kids and husband were issues I have with other people. Therefore, it was actually all my problem to learn to deal with. She helped me and now we have regular ups and downs but it is so much better.
Projection. Get help for you and all your relationships will improve IF you do the work.
Anonymous
07/14/2017 11:34
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
My dad fought with me all the time. He didn't like me. He put too much of the burden of our troubled relationship on me, and never really remembered that we weren't equals and that I was a kid during all of this.
He thinks we get along fine now, but our relationship isn't deep. My twenties were rough, at least in part due to my struggles for approval.
I don't know much about you and your kid, but remember you aren't equals and you are the grown-up. Good luck.
He thinks we get along fine now, but our relationship isn't deep. My twenties were rough, at least in part due to my struggles for approval.
I don't know much about you and your kid, but remember you aren't equals and you are the grown-up. Good luck.
Anonymous
07/14/2017 11:25
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. I think some of the guilt comes because I had PPD when DC was born. I feel like DC picked up on this (I know, it may or may not be crazy).
Actually, I think DC is picking up on the fact that he/she reminds you of your spouse and inlaws and that you dislike those traits in him/her.
OP here. Legitimate point - I do worry about that.
Yep. Telling yourself stories in an attempt to "explain" DC's personality or behavior is a huge mistake.
You may think you're trying to "understand" DC, but really it's all in your head. You're interacting with a live human being (DC), but then going into your own thoughts to try to create connections and build a story about why DC is the way he or she is.
When you think abou it that way, can you see how it diverts your attention and mental presence away from your actual DC?
More importantly perhaps, can you see how it may actually feel insulting to him/her when you "explain" away his or her personality by connecting it with bad things in your life (the worst traits you see in DH and his family . . . your history of PPD)? True, you may not be saying those things aloud to him or her, but kids are highly attuned to their parents. They FEEL IT and KNOW when you are judging them negatively as a certain type of person.
IMHO, your mindset is the biggest barrier to building a relationship with your DC, who is an actual human being, not an extension of your DH, his family, your PPD or anything else.
So step one is just to notice when you do this. Just notice when your thoughts stray into the "story telling" mode about DC, and when you get in your head trying to "explain" DC to yourself.
Practice noticing it and then making a choice to bring your thoughts back to real life. Right now. In the moment.
Focus on what your DC is doing/saying. Ask yourself what he/she needs from you in the moment. If you're not sure, ask him/her. Literally, "What do you need right now?" or "What can I do to make this easier?" "How can we figure this out together?"
Practice being CURIOUS about learning about DC right then and there in the situation, rather than going into your head to pull up an opinion, a judgment, or pre-conceived notion about who DC is and why.
This is not about whether he or she is like your spouse's family, whether he or she was affected by your PPD, or whether he or she is r
Anonymous
07/14/2017 08:45
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. I think some of the guilt comes because I had PPD when DC was born. I feel like DC picked up on this (I know, it may or may not be crazy).
Actually, I think DC is picking up on the fact that he/she reminds you of your spouse and inlaws and that you dislike those traits in him/her.
OP here. Legitimate point - I do worry about that.
It's not something to worry about it's something to change as in stop doing it. You probably don't realize it but your behavior with your other DCs is different which is understandable because you find it easier to get along with them, but to your child that is favoritism. Of course your child gravitates to the parent they feel loves them.
spend less time focusing on " how to change my kid so I can like him" and more time focuding on how you can change this negative attitude.
Look for things that you love about this child and tell him or her so.
Anonymous
07/14/2017 06:47
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
My son has ADHD and one of the traits of that can be very rigid thinking. I was the same way as a kid.
I mention this because he gets something in his head and he just cannot see it from another oerson's perspective. His friend came over one day looking for him, but he wasn't home yet. My husband answered the door and felt badly for the kid (he was apparently sitting on the porch looking forlorn). So my husband gave him a popsicle to cheer him up. My son was furious when he found out. Thought his dad was "choosing Joey over me."
He is going to therapy and I am working with him to help his thinking he more flexible. Most of it involves running different perspectives by him, to help him see there are two sides to the story. It is slow going but it is improving. These are life skills that can take awhile for some people to develop. It doesn't happen overnight.
Your descriptions of ODD, stubborn, defiant, just rang a bell with me. My son is similar although perhaps for different reasons. His stubbornness and disagreeableness are often a sign that he needs love and reassurance. Some one-on-one time with him, with as much warmth as you can muster, could help too. Do you guys like the same movies or a particular brunch place? Is there any way you could create a little weekly activity for just the two of you?
And TELL him fairly often that you are proud of him. Mention specifics. They do want to please you, even though it doesn't seem that way. "Michael, I was impressed how hard you studied for that test. And with no reminders from me. You are really maturing and getting so grown up." "Michael, I saw how Joey just irritated the heck out of you today, and I was really impressed with how you kept your cool and just walked away without yelling. You are doing a great job managing your anger." Whatever fits.
I mention this because he gets something in his head and he just cannot see it from another oerson's perspective. His friend came over one day looking for him, but he wasn't home yet. My husband answered the door and felt badly for the kid (he was apparently sitting on the porch looking forlorn). So my husband gave him a popsicle to cheer him up. My son was furious when he found out. Thought his dad was "choosing Joey over me."
He is going to therapy and I am working with him to help his thinking he more flexible. Most of it involves running different perspectives by him, to help him see there are two sides to the story. It is slow going but it is improving. These are life skills that can take awhile for some people to develop. It doesn't happen overnight.
Your descriptions of ODD, stubborn, defiant, just rang a bell with me. My son is similar although perhaps for different reasons. His stubbornness and disagreeableness are often a sign that he needs love and reassurance. Some one-on-one time with him, with as much warmth as you can muster, could help too. Do you guys like the same movies or a particular brunch place? Is there any way you could create a little weekly activity for just the two of you?
And TELL him fairly often that you are proud of him. Mention specifics. They do want to please you, even though it doesn't seem that way. "Michael, I was impressed how hard you studied for that test. And with no reminders from me. You are really maturing and getting so grown up." "Michael, I saw how Joey just irritated the heck out of you today, and I was really impressed with how you kept your cool and just walked away without yelling. You are doing a great job managing your anger." Whatever fits.
Anonymous
07/14/2017 01:41
Subject: If you and your child just do not get along
If it makes you feel at all better, OP, I was a very difficult kid and fought with my mom constantly up until around the age of 25. Something shifted in my brain at that age - finally finished maturing? I don't know. But I'm very close to her now (though we still quarrel! But we also make up right away, and love hanging out together).