Reply to I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

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Reply to "I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children"

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm actually going to hazard that you've got the causation wrong here.

I think people often tend (unconsciously) to seek out partners with whom they share a dynamic that resembles that shared by their parents. There are multiple reasons for being drawn to someone like that, the most powerful of which is that your dynamic feels familiar and "safe" or even somehow "legitimate," for lack of a better word.

And, yes, in such instances -- like, if you're a peacemaking introvert like your mom, and your partner is a hard-drinking go-getter like your dad -- it's very easy to fall right into the kind of relationship you saw modeled by your parents.

However, if your parents weren't happily married, and you've done some introspection about how their marriage shaped your expectations of and hopes for your own relationship, I think it's possible to deliberately choose a partner who has no experience with the kinds of roles your parents modeled -- who, in fact, had very different models in his own childhood. And if you find someone whose models for marriage are far more to your taste, it's pretty easy to break out of the example set for you as a kid.

Does that make sense? It's based purely on hunches and anecdata, of course. :) But it sure feels right based on my personal experience, and those of my friends!
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