Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is shaped by my parents but kind of like, in direct opposition. My parents had a crappy marriage, my mom had a crappy remarriage and as a result I cultivate my marriage like a garden.

They were always screaming at each other and had so much resentment. I never let us simmer in anger at each other. We always talk things out calmly and relatively quickly. I try to keep working on our marriage at the forefront of both of our minds, even with little kids.

That's all basically as a direct result of watching my parents, but I'm not repeating history.

But did you marry someone who is skilled at relationships? I prioritize my marriage but the relationship has fundamental issues.

No, not really. He's kind of quiet and conflict avoidant and if left to his own devices would probably get pretty passive aggressive. Not out of spite just kind of the natural result of his tendencies to really not like talking about his feelings or talking about hard things.

I just simply don't let that happen. If we are upset about something and starting to get snippy I'll be like, 'lets pause and deal with this for a second.' And if its a larger thing we'll sit there and just talk about it until we've sorted it. And since we're usually dealing with stuff regularly, we don't have stuff that needs more time than that to work through. It is uncomfortable for him for sure. He hates 'relationship talks'. But he would say that my forcing them is something he loves about me because even though its uncomfortable in the moment, he knows I'm not harboring long term resentments and that he always knows what he's getting with me.

I will say he is willing to work on the relationship and willing to go through those things with me. So even though he doesn't like it, he sees the value and participates willingly and without any resentment or anything.

Thanks for answering. Our problems relate to my husband's tendency to do the bare minimum in everything.

PP again, my DH and I are both kind of lazy. And both can get annoyed at the other for not DOING something that we're supposed to have done.

FWIW I decided awhile back that this was simply not something worth fighting over and if something gets to the point where its making us hate each other (housekeeping!) then I outsource. We're pretty well off so we can do this which I know is very lucky, but honestly, life is too short to hate your spouse over chores.

If its stuff like parenting/sex/affection that is harder. Luckily we're both pretty engaged there.

Yes, sex/affection, among other things.

I'm actually going to hazard that you've got the causation wrong here.

I think people often tend (unconsciously) to seek out partners with whom they share a dynamic that resembles that shared by their parents. There are multiple reasons for being drawn to someone like that, the most powerful of which is that your dynamic feels familiar and "safe" or even somehow "legitimate," for lack of a better word.

And, yes, in such instances -- like, if you're a peacemaking introvert like your mom, and your partner is a hard-drinking go-getter like your dad -- it's very easy to fall right into the kind of relationship you saw modeled by your parents.

However, if your parents weren't happily married, and you've done some introspection about how their marriage shaped your expectations of and hopes for your own relationship, I think it's possible to deliberately choose a partner who has no experience with the kinds of roles your parents modeled -- who, in fact, had very different models in his own childhood. And if you find someone whose models for marriage are far more to your taste, it's pretty easy to break out of the example set for you as a kid.

Does that make sense? It's based purely on hunches and anecdata, of course. But it sure feels right based on my personal experience, and those of my friends!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. My parents have a good life (money, travel, nice house) but they fought all the time when I was young, and still bicker and pick at each other constantly. They don't seem to like each other a lot of the time, and I've never seen them touch or have intimate moments beyond hugs or perfunctory pecks on the cheek before a business trip or something. The bickering is infuriating to be around and the reason I moved out the minute I could.

My DH and I are both very gentle, kind people. We always try to be nice to each other, always use please and thank you, try to remember that we're on the same team even when we disagree... we also are very cuddly and affectionate. I'm so happy with him and relieved that I can be in this kind of happy, functional relationship.

But if you weren't happy with him, you might bicker too.

Maybe. Or maybe I'd be an adult and either address the root cause of my unhappiness, or end the relationship if I didn't think it was salvageable. Subjecting your kids to 18 years of bickering, resentment, and disrespect is not the right solution, trust me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is shaped by my parents but kind of like, in direct opposition. My parents had a crappy marriage, my mom had a crappy remarriage and as a result I cultivate my marriage like a garden.

They were always screaming at each other and had so much resentment. I never let us simmer in anger at each other. We always talk things out calmly and relatively quickly. I try to keep working on our marriage at the forefront of both of our minds, even with little kids.

That's all basically as a direct result of watching my parents, but I'm not repeating history.

But did you marry someone who is skilled at relationships? I prioritize my marriage but the relationship has fundamental issues.

No, not really. He's kind of quiet and conflict avoidant and if left to his own devices would probably get pretty passive aggressive. Not out of spite just kind of the natural result of his tendencies to really not like talking about his feelings or talking about hard things.

I just simply don't let that happen. If we are upset about something and starting to get snippy I'll be like, 'lets pause and deal with this for a second.' And if its a larger thing we'll sit there and just talk about it until we've sorted it. And since we're usually dealing with stuff regularly, we don't have stuff that needs more time than that to work through. It is uncomfortable for him for sure. He hates 'relationship talks'. But he would say that my forcing them is something he loves about me because even though its uncomfortable in the moment, he knows I'm not harboring long term resentments and that he always knows what he's getting with me.

I will say he is willing to work on the relationship and willing to go through those things with me. So even though he doesn't like it, he sees the value and participates willingly and without any resentment or anything.

Thanks for answering. Our problems relate to my husband's tendency to do the bare minimum in everything.

PP again, my DH and I are both kind of lazy. And both can get annoyed at the other for not DOING something that we're supposed to have done.

FWIW I decided awhile back that this was simply not something worth fighting over and if something gets to the point where its making us hate each other (housekeeping!) then I outsource. We're pretty well off so we can do this which I know is very lucky, but honestly, life is too short to hate your spouse over chores.

If its stuff like parenting/sex/affection that is harder. Luckily we're both pretty engaged there.

Anonymous wrote:Yup. My parents have a good life (money, travel, nice house) but they fought all the time when I was young, and still bicker and pick at each other constantly. They don't seem to like each other a lot of the time, and I've never seen them touch or have intimate moments beyond hugs or perfunctory pecks on the cheek before a business trip or something. The bickering is infuriating to be around and the reason I moved out the minute I could.

My DH and I are both very gentle, kind people. We always try to be nice to each other, always use please and thank you, try to remember that we're on the same team even when we disagree... we also are very cuddly and affectionate. I'm so happy with him and relieved that I can be in this kind of happy, functional relationship.

But if you weren't happy with him, you might bicker too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is shaped by my parents but kind of like, in direct opposition. My parents had a crappy marriage, my mom had a crappy remarriage and as a result I cultivate my marriage like a garden.

They were always screaming at each other and had so much resentment. I never let us simmer in anger at each other. We always talk things out calmly and relatively quickly. I try to keep working on our marriage at the forefront of both of our minds, even with little kids.

That's all basically as a direct result of watching my parents, but I'm not repeating history.

But did you marry someone who is skilled at relationships? I prioritize my marriage but the relationship has fundamental issues.

No, not really. He's kind of quiet and conflict avoidant and if left to his own devices would probably get pretty passive aggressive. Not out of spite just kind of the natural result of his tendencies to really not like talking about his feelings or talking about hard things.

I just simply don't let that happen. If we are upset about something and starting to get snippy I'll be like, 'lets pause and deal with this for a second.' And if its a larger thing we'll sit there and just talk about it until we've sorted it. And since we're usually dealing with stuff regularly, we don't have stuff that needs more time than that to work through. It is uncomfortable for him for sure. He hates 'relationship talks'. But he would say that my forcing them is something he loves about me because even though its uncomfortable in the moment, he knows I'm not harboring long term resentments and that he always knows what he's getting with me.

I will say he is willing to work on the relationship and willing to go through those things with me. So even though he doesn't like it, he sees the value and participates willingly and without any resentment or anything.

Thanks for answering. Our problems relate to my husband's tendency to do the bare minimum in everything.

My parents have a great marriage. My younger brother and I have a great marriage. My older brother has compromised a lot but I hope he has a good marriage. His wife is not the most pleasant person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. I think healthy relationships are learned easiest from watching your parent's marriage. Yes you can learn from other places as well: books, experiences and therapy.

My inlaws have a wonderful marriage. That's why it confuses me that my husband learned very little from his parents. He is a much much crappier husband than my father in law.

Men are not usually very observant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is shaped by my parents but kind of like, in direct opposition. My parents had a crappy marriage, my mom had a crappy remarriage and as a result I cultivate my marriage like a garden.

They were always screaming at each other and had so much resentment. I never let us simmer in anger at each other. We always talk things out calmly and relatively quickly. I try to keep working on our marriage at the forefront of both of our minds, even with little kids.

That's all basically as a direct result of watching my parents, but I'm not repeating history.

But did you marry someone who is skilled at relationships? I prioritize my marriage but the relationship has fundamental issues.

No, not really. He's kind of quiet and conflict avoidant and if left to his own devices would probably get pretty passive aggressive. Not out of spite just kind of the natural result of his tendencies to really not like talking about his feelings or talking about hard things.

I just simply don't let that happen. If we are upset about something and starting to get snippy I'll be like, 'lets pause and deal with this for a second.' And if its a larger thing we'll sit there and just talk about it until we've sorted it. And since we're usually dealing with stuff regularly, we don't have stuff that needs more time than that to work through. It is uncomfortable for him for sure. He hates 'relationship talks'. But he would say that my forcing them is something he loves about me because even though its uncomfortable in the moment, he knows I'm not harboring long term resentments and that he always knows what he's getting with me.

I will say he is willing to work on the relationship and willing to go through those things with me. So even though he doesn't like it, he sees the value and participates willingly and without any resentment or anything.

Yup. My parents have a good life (money, travel, nice house) but they fought all the time when I was young, and still bicker and pick at each other constantly. They don't seem to like each other a lot of the time, and I've never seen them touch or have intimate moments beyond hugs or perfunctory pecks on the cheek before a business trip or something. The bickering is infuriating to be around and the reason I moved out the minute I could.

My DH and I are both very gentle, kind people. We always try to be nice to each other, always use please and thank you, try to remember that we're on the same team even when we disagree... we also are very cuddly and affectionate. I'm so happy with him and relieved that I can be in this kind of happy, functional relationship.

Anonymous wrote:I agree. I think healthy relationships are learned easiest from watching your parent's marriage. Yes you can learn from other places as well: books, experiences and therapy.

My inlaws have a wonderful marriage. That's why it confuses me that my husband learned very little from his parents. He is a much much crappier husband than my father in law.

Anonymous wrote:It is shaped by my parents but kind of like, in direct opposition. My parents had a crappy marriage, my mom had a crappy remarriage and as a result I cultivate my marriage like a garden.

They were always screaming at each other and had so much resentment. I never let us simmer in anger at each other. We always talk things out calmly and relatively quickly. I try to keep working on our marriage at the forefront of both of our minds, even with little kids.

That's all basically as a direct result of watching my parents, but I'm not repeating history.

But did you marry someone who is skilled at relationships? I prioritize my marriage but the relationship has fundamental issues.

It's true. I married a man who is passive like my dad, and not surprisingly, doesn't fulfill me emotionally or sexually. Thanks mom.

Hmm which of my mother's 3 marriages should we dissect?

My parents are still married. I've observed good and bad things about their marriage, but seeing the commitment and longevity is a source of positivity in my life.

My in laws had a contentious divorce many years ago, and don't speak to each other. My MIL's mother was divorced TWICE, which was unheard of for her era. I think my MIL observed her mother's divorces, and took that into account when deciding to leave FIL. She has always had a "women don't need men" sort of attitude. She has never had another relationship.

In turn, I've observed that my sister in law, who is insufferably dominant, has always partnered with men who let her dominate and run the show, so to speak. She very much learned this behavior from MIL. Several people have expressed, privately, that she is very much her mother's daughter and and they wouldn't be surprised if she and her husband divorce.