Reply to How do I talk about this with the kids?

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "How do I talk about this with the kids?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]OP, I feel for you, but I admire you for trying to keep your family together and not blaming any of the children involved. I don't know how much my perspective will help, but here goes.

My dad did this, with the difference being that he and my mom were long divorced when it happened. I know that's a big difference. He had two daughters with a woman he was dating. He never told me, and he refused to play the role of the father with them. I found out when I was about 30. To me, the worst part of the entire situation is that he abandoned those girls and they grew up knowing who their father was and that he didn't want them. Second worst part was that I have two half-sisters who I don't know and who probably resent the everloving hell out of me. (I'm otherwise an only child.) So, from the perspective of the child and NOT the perspective of the betrayed wife, I think it is a good thing to get the kids together and to have the relationship recognized. The cheating is at the adult level. The sibling relationship is at the child level.

When I was around 12 or 13, I asked my dad about my half-sisters, not knowing they were my half-sisters, wanting to know who their father was. He told me to ask their mother, which I never did. Point being that it took me several years of knowing them to ask the question, and I was pretty old by then. I would prepare a straightforward answer in case you get asked ("Larla doesn't live with us because she lives with her mom, but it's nice that we still get to see each other") and otherwise consider waiting a few years. Maybe my DD is naive but she is 5, only a year younger than your son, and she still has a very fluid understanding of family. We have six grandparents (we refer to stepparents as grandma and grandpa) and a series of close friends who we call aunties and uncles. She wants everyone to live with us all the time, including our adult friends, our nanny, grandma, a neighbor, etc. Based on my experience with her, I think it would be too young to try to explain anything more than, she's your sister too but lives in a different house. We're starting to have a few divorced friends with kids, so it's not that wild a scenario.

I won't speak to whether the messages condones the cheating as some of the other posters have, but again from my perspective in the child generation, the biggest moral failing in a situation like this is abandoning or otherwise punishing innocent children. Cheating on an adult partner is a moral failing as well, but it wouldn't necessarily spell the end of everyone's marriage, including my own if it happened to me.

Therapy seems like a good idea, as PPs have suggested. I never did therapy because I'm someone who bottles up emotions and came to my own conclusion that I was Just. Not. Dealing. With. Dad's. Shit., but therapy may be healthier.

Final thought - discuss estate planning with your DH and then with a lawyer. This can throw a big monkey wrench into things. It sounds like your DH is recognizing the other daughter, but my dad is not and that may leave his will open to challenge after he passes. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics