Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. Ok, well first you need to decide what YOU are doing. If you are going to stay with him (WTF?!?!) then you will need to let your anger to towards him and the other woman and their love child.

Since he is so open with the kids then you will have to be also and it will completely change their perspective about cheating -- which is fine since you are going to stay with him.

That said my DH's found out about his father's love child at 11. Totally fucked him up because his mom decided to stay with his father for about 5 more years THEN divorced him. Those years were miserable and he remembers them specifically. So you really need to decide if you are going to be miserable or not since that is what will mess your children up. Not their dad having an affair.

If I understand you correctly, you say that what fucked up your DH was the miserable time between the lovechild's discovery and his parents' divorce? Do you think he would have been less traumatized if the home life has been calmer? What do you think would have made it easier on him?

Yes. So his Mom tried really hard to keep the family together but in actuality the resentment kept building most likely exacerbated by the fact that this child (who was sandwiched between his sister and him age wise) was just too much of a constant reminder. When his mom decided to end the marriage there was a lot of fighting over seeing the other child as part of the divorce agreement and also his own internal battle of feeling like he was betraying his mom if he saw his half sibling. It still goes on today and honestly--how his parents handled it caused all the problems. I am not sure of the "right" way but I know that the bitterness and hurt feelings and damage because of this child, while not blaming the child, is something that can devastate relationships permanently. The love child is a symptom of a bad marriage. Do you want to stick with this or not?

We do not wish to divorce, it won't make anything better. Our home life is actually pretty peaceful right now. It was quite a shock for the first few weeks but that is long gone.

I do not prevent DH from seeing his daughter, or from arranging time together for the kids. I know he will never turn his back on her so that part is not negotiable and I won't try.

This is an abnormal situation for sure but what I want most of all is to minimize stress for my kids as much as possible. I know, though, that at some point my kids will start putting things together in their heads, and I'd like to be prepared for that moment.

PP here. This was my MIL too. It lasted a few years, lots of therapy and then went down hill. My DH would tell you that his home life was peaceful too but there was strain underneath it. He was older though so more perceptive than your kids.

Good luck. This will be damaging for the lifetime of your children. Just know that and help them with that.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I would refuse to let DH take the kids around their half-sibling until you had several rounds of counseling.

I agree. This man seems to have ZERO boundaries. I'm not a fan of divorce, and I'm certainly not encouraging you to do so, however you have to step up and create some rules here. A lawyer and therapist are all in order before this continues.

well, it would take me far, far longer than several weeks to get over this. (maybe like never). but i would suggest family therapist. and a post-nup.

Whether you want to stay with your DH or not, I totally disagree with your desire to not make DH look like a piece of crap to your DS. DS needs to understand that his dad did something that is not OK in any shape or form! Otherwise, you will have implicitly approved of DH's actions in your DS's eyes and he will have an extremely messed up idea of marriage. Maybe your life is easier now staying in place and doing whatever your DH asks, but please think of your kids' long term development as people.

Anonymous wrote:I have to assume that your DH is still having a relationship with the mother of this kid. It was long-term and they had a kid together. The kid sees your DH as her father.

Not much you can do, it looks like a weirdly blended family to me since he's still in their lives. In a way, your DH now has 2 wives and you have to share him with her.

No, he had a wife and a baby mama. Don't get it twisted.

OP, I feel for you, but I admire you for trying to keep your family together and not blaming any of the children involved. I don't know how much my perspective will help, but here goes.

My dad did this, with the difference being that he and my mom were long divorced when it happened. I know that's a big difference. He had two daughters with a woman he was dating. He never told me, and he refused to play the role of the father with them. I found out when I was about 30. To me, the worst part of the entire situation is that he abandoned those girls and they grew up knowing who their father was and that he didn't want them. Second worst part was that I have two half-sisters who I don't know and who probably resent the everloving hell out of me. (I'm otherwise an only child.) So, from the perspective of the child and NOT the perspective of the betrayed wife, I think it is a good thing to get the kids together and to have the relationship recognized. The cheating is at the adult level. The sibling relationship is at the child level.

When I was around 12 or 13, I asked my dad about my half-sisters, not knowing they were my half-sisters, wanting to know who their father was. He told me to ask their mother, which I never did. Point being that it took me several years of knowing them to ask the question, and I was pretty old by then. I would prepare a straightforward answer in case you get asked ("Larla doesn't live with us because she lives with her mom, but it's nice that we still get to see each other") and otherwise consider waiting a few years. Maybe my DD is naive but she is 5, only a year younger than your son, and she still has a very fluid understanding of family. We have six grandparents (we refer to stepparents as grandma and grandpa) and a series of close friends who we call aunties and uncles. She wants everyone to live with us all the time, including our adult friends, our nanny, grandma, a neighbor, etc. Based on my experience with her, I think it would be too young to try to explain anything more than, she's your sister too but lives in a different house. We're starting to have a few divorced friends with kids, so it's not that wild a scenario.

I won't speak to whether the messages condones the cheating as some of the other posters have, but again from my perspective in the child generation, the biggest moral failing in a situation like this is abandoning or otherwise punishing innocent children. Cheating on an adult partner is a moral failing as well, but it wouldn't necessarily spell the end of everyone's marriage, including my own if it happened to me.

Therapy seems like a good idea, as PPs have suggested. I never did therapy because I'm someone who bottles up emotions and came to my own conclusion that I was Just. Not. Dealing. With. Dad's. Shit., but therapy may be healthier.

Final thought - discuss estate planning with your DH and then with a lawyer. This can throw a big monkey wrench into things. It sounds like your DH is recognizing the other daughter, but my dad is not and that may leave his will open to challenge after he passes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. Ok, well first you need to decide what YOU are doing. If you are going to stay with him (WTF?!?!) then you will need to let your anger to towards him and the other woman and their love child.

Since he is so open with the kids then you will have to be also and it will completely change their perspective about cheating -- which is fine since you are going to stay with him.

That said my DH's found out about his father's love child at 11. Totally fucked him up because his mom decided to stay with his father for about 5 more years THEN divorced him. Those years were miserable and he remembers them specifically. So you really need to decide if you are going to be miserable or not since that is what will mess your children up. Not their dad having an affair.

If I understand you correctly, you say that what fucked up your DH was the miserable time between the lovechild's discovery and his parents' divorce? Do you think he would have been less traumatized if the home life has been calmer? What do you think would have made it easier on him?

Yes. So his Mom tried really hard to keep the family together but in actuality the resentment kept building most likely exacerbated by the fact that this child (who was sandwiched between his sister and him age wise) was just too much of a constant reminder. When his mom decided to end the marriage there was a lot of fighting over seeing the other child as part of the divorce agreement and also his own internal battle of feeling like he was betraying his mom if he saw his half sibling. It still goes on today and honestly--how his parents handled it caused all the problems. I am not sure of the "right" way but I know that the bitterness and hurt feelings and damage because of this child, while not blaming the child, is something that can devastate relationships permanently. The love child is a symptom of a bad marriage. Do you want to stick with this or not?

We do not wish to divorce, it won't make anything better. Our home life is actually pretty peaceful right now. It was quite a shock for the first few weeks but that is long gone.

I do not prevent DH from seeing his daughter, or from arranging time together for the kids. I know he will never turn his back on her so that part is not negotiable and I won't try.

This is an abnormal situation for sure but what I want most of all is to minimize stress for my kids as much as possible. I know, though, that at some point my kids will start putting things together in their heads, and I'd like to be prepared for that moment.

I have to assume that your DH is still having a relationship with the mother of this kid. It was long-term and they had a kid together. The kid sees your DH as her father.

Not much you can do, it looks like a weirdly blended family to me since he's still in their lives. In a way, your DH now has 2 wives and you have to share him with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. Ok, well first you need to decide what YOU are doing. If you are going to stay with him (WTF?!?!) then you will need to let your anger to towards him and the other woman and their love child.

Since he is so open with the kids then you will have to be also and it will completely change their perspective about cheating -- which is fine since you are going to stay with him.

That said my DH's found out about his father's love child at 11. Totally fucked him up because his mom decided to stay with his father for about 5 more years THEN divorced him. Those years were miserable and he remembers them specifically. So you really need to decide if you are going to be miserable or not since that is what will mess your children up. Not their dad having an affair.

If I understand you correctly, you say that what fucked up your DH was the miserable time between the lovechild's discovery and his parents' divorce? Do you think he would have been less traumatized if the home life has been calmer? What do you think would have made it easier on him?

Yes. So his Mom tried really hard to keep the family together but in actuality the resentment kept building most likely exacerbated by the fact that this child (who was sandwiched between his sister and him age wise) was just too much of a constant reminder. When his mom decided to end the marriage there was a lot of fighting over seeing the other child as part of the divorce agreement and also his own internal battle of feeling like he was betraying his mom if he saw his half sibling. It still goes on today and honestly--how his parents handled it caused all the problems. I am not sure of the "right" way but I know that the bitterness and hurt feelings and damage because of this child, while not blaming the child, is something that can devastate relationships permanently. The love child is a symptom of a bad marriage. Do you want to stick with this or not?

Anonymous wrote:I agree that a family therapist is the best place to go to work it out and figure out how you want to discuss with your kids.

I'm so sorry, OP. This is a lot to deal with.

I agree. Therapists. Family therapy where you and your husband get help about how and when to discuss this with your children. Solo therapy for you if you're not getting therapy already. You need and deserve a place to work on your own feelings.

If you are already in couples or family therapy, why hasn't this come up already?

If you are not in couples or family therapy with husband, please, for your kids' sake at least, start immediately. You and your husband should consult a professional third party on how to approach this with your kids.

You cannot know what the mother is telling her child or what the child is telling your son when they meet. Is your husband with them the entire time where he can hear them? What will be said to both son and half-sister if she blurts four-year-old things like, "If you're my brother why don't you live with me and my mommy?" Etc. Truly, please get a professional to advise on how all the adults should proceed here. A third party professional like a therapist can help keep things more objective and focused and prevent adults' emotions from having too much sway--as might happen if you and your husband each separately decide son what to tell your kids.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything until they ask questions. You cannot blame the mom in this situation. She did not cheat on you, your husband did. He is to blame. You are angry at her, when you should be angry at him. You are right to allow the kids to know each other and I would allow the child in your home as it is not her fault. Place the blame in the right place, your husband.

+1

When asked, you can say the child was and is innocent in this, and they are a sibling, so you didn't want to cut them off from each other. And DH made a huge mistake, but was extremely sorry, asked and worked for your forgiveness. (And I surely hope for your sake that he has.)

Get individual therapy for you now, and consider family therapy later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything until they ask questions. You cannot blame the mom in this situation. She did not cheat on you, your husband did. He is to blame. You are angry at her, when you should be angry at him. You are right to allow the kids to know each other and I would allow the child in your home as it is not her fault. Place the blame in the right place, your husband.

This. It might be hard to digest but this is all the truth and it's the right way to be.

It's not hard to digest at all. I don't blame the mom but I don't see why she should be around my children, and so she is not allowed to see them.

Obviously the blame lies with the husband. But I already know how to talk to him. What I don't quite know is how to talk about this with the kids, and this is why I'm asking if anyone has dealt with this.

Isn't she around when they do pick up/drop off. Personally, I'd be more concerned the affair is still going on and having 3 kids will probably create less of an environment to cheat. You don't say anything more to the kids. They are young and will figure it out as they get older.

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. Ok, well first you need to decide what YOU are doing. If you are going to stay with him (WTF?!?!) then you will need to let your anger to towards him and the other woman and their love child.

Since he is so open with the kids then you will have to be also and it will completely change their perspective about cheating -- which is fine since you are going to stay with him.

That said my DH's found out about his father's love child at 11. Totally fucked him up because his mom decided to stay with his father for about 5 more years THEN divorced him. Those years were miserable and he remembers them specifically. So you really need to decide if you are going to be miserable or not since that is what will mess your children up. Not their dad having an affair.

If I understand you correctly, you say that what fucked up your DH was the miserable time between the lovechild's discovery and his parents' divorce? Do you think he would have been less traumatized if the home life has been calmer? What do you think would have made it easier on him?

I don't think there is any way to show your kids that cheating is bad if there is a known child in their lives that is the byproduct of said cheating and you stay married to him. Unless you act super bitter towards him/the situation, which will definitely drive home the idea that cheating is bad but will likely hurt them in other ways. I think you need to see a therapist on your own, because this is a difficult situation.

You have already made this thing normal and your husband is not a good father. He's a lying sneaky cheat that impregnated a woman he is not married to while his kids got the shaft. A good father/husband does not neglect his kid or disrespect his wife the way yours did. He cheated them out of time because had he been home, none of this would have happened.

I feel sorry for your kids.