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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Oh wow.  Ok, well first you need to decide what YOU are doing.  If you are going to stay with him (WTF?!?!) then you will need to let your anger to towards him and the other woman and their love child.

Since he is so open with the kids then you will have to be also and it will completely change their perspective about cheating -- which is fine since you are going to stay with him.

That said my DH's found out about his father's love child at 11.  Totally fucked him up because his mom decided to stay with his father for about 5 more years THEN divorced him.  Those years were miserable and he remembers them specifically.  So you really need to decide if you are going to be miserable or not since that is what will mess your children up.  Not their dad having an affair.[/quote]
If I understand you correctly, you say that what fucked up your DH was the miserable time between the lovechild's discovery and his parents' divorce? Do you think he would have been less traumatized if the home life has been calmer? What do you think would have made it easier on him?[/quote]

Yes.   So his Mom tried really hard to keep the family together but in actuality the resentment kept building most likely exacerbated by the fact that this child (who was sandwiched between his sister and him age wise) was just too much of a constant reminder.  When his mom decided to end the marriage there was a lot of fighting over seeing the other child as part of the divorce agreement and also his own internal battle of feeling like he was betraying his mom if he saw his half sibling.  It still goes on today and honestly--how his parents handled it caused all the problems.  I am not sure of the "right" way but I know that the bitterness and hurt feelings and damage because of this child, while not blaming the child, is something that can devastate relationships permanently.  The love child is a symptom of a bad marriage.  Do you want to stick with this or not?[/quote]

We do not wish to divorce, it won't make anything better.  Our home life is actually pretty peaceful right now.  It was quite a shock for the first few weeks but that is long gone.

I do not prevent DH from seeing his daughter, or from arranging time together for the kids.  I know he will never turn his back on her so that part is not negotiable and I won't try.

This is an abnormal situation for sure but what I want most of all is to minimize stress for my kids as much as possible. I know, though, that at some point my kids will start putting things together in their heads, and I'd like to be prepared for that moment. [/quote]

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