Reply to stepmother refuses to see anyone while undergoing chemo

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]OP, this is PP here with MIL who has ALS. I am not going to sugar coat it, it can be heart breaking, stressful, anxiety ridden and very depressing to watch a loved one get sick (and in my case terminal) and have that person reject your offers of support and care. My MIL lashed out at us repeatedly, also sending emails about grievances or perceived slights over the years, over the most random things and sometimes over made up thing. At first we were so shocked and upset, but she's dying, so what's the point of arguing with her. All she seemed to want was validation, as a person and that her feelings mattered. We simply now reply to her "I am so sorry, I would never mean for my words or actions to harm you or make you upset. We love you." Done, end of story. There is no use in a back and forth. And no it's not fair. But life ain't fair.

It sounds like you will have to take things one day at a time, week by week, etc. I wouldn't recommend saying anything to your children right now as there doesn't seem much to tell them. She hasn't had her surgery yet. You don't know what her prognosis will be after that. If she isn't local there isn't any use in stressing out your children at this stage.

I would be concerned about your father. Does he have someone local, that can check on him for you? Is he part of a church or other community that can organize a meal train FOR HIM (so it's one less thing he has to worry about, which is feeding himself). Does your stepmother have her own family (siblings, children)? If so, have you touched base with them?[/quote]

OP here. thank you. its helpful to hear this perspective, although I am sorry for what you've gone through. I am getting that this is her way of dealing with it all and she will inevitably shift over the course of her illness. I've tried to just say I"m sorry (but its odd--she doesn't want to hear from us but also kind of expects that validation so I'm trying to understand the balance).

My dad has always relied on my stepmom to be the organizer in everything. He's a smart man  but unlikely to ask for help. She may have a friend or two that she will keep in touch with, Im not sure, but she does not have children of her own and broke off relationship with her only sibling (in fact, has ruptured with almost everyone she was close with over the years--she adores her nephews though, but I doubt she will allow them to see her right now).

I am hoping that we can still visit my dad later this summer--but I worry he will feel unable to leave her alone and we can't see her, so I'm holding off for now.[/quote]

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