"Stepmom, we love you and we're here for you in whatever capacity you want."

Then, a separate and ongoing conversation with your dad: "Dad, I'm sure this is rough on you. Let us know what you we can do to help that Stepmom would be OK with." E.g. send food or care packages, help him set up and maintain an online calendar to track her medical appointments, etc.

It doesn't surprise me that your stepmom would have a furious reaction to getting a devastating diagnosis. My MIL was VERY secretive when she had cancer - did not want to let anyone, not even her closest friends, know. Was terrified about anyone ever glimpsing her without her wig. Etc. It was almost like she was ashamed that she had cancer. Everyone processes things differently. Good luck to your and your family, OP. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

OP, this is PP here with MIL who has ALS. I am not going to sugar coat it, it can be heart breaking, stressful, anxiety ridden and very depressing to watch a loved one get sick (and in my case terminal) and have that person reject your offers of support and care. My MIL lashed out at us repeatedly, also sending emails about grievances or perceived slights over the years, over the most random things and sometimes over made up thing. At first we were so shocked and upset, but she's dying, so what's the point of arguing with her. All she seemed to want was validation, as a person and that her feelings mattered. We simply now reply to her "I am so sorry, I would never mean for my words or actions to harm you or make you upset. We love you." Done, end of story. There is no use in a back and forth. And no it's not fair. But life ain't fair.

It sounds like you will have to take things one day at a time, week by week, etc. I wouldn't recommend saying anything to your children right now as there doesn't seem much to tell them. She hasn't had her surgery yet. You don't know what her prognosis will be after that. If she isn't local there isn't any use in stressing out your children at this stage.

I would be concerned about your father. Does he have someone local, that can check on him for you? Is he part of a church or other community that can organize a meal train FOR HIM (so it's one less thing he has to worry about, which is feeding himself). Does your stepmother have her own family (siblings, children)? If so, have you touched base with them?

OP here. thank you. its helpful to hear this perspective, although I am sorry for what you've gone through. I am getting that this is her way of dealing with it all and she will inevitably shift over the course of her illness. I've tried to just say I"m sorry (but its odd--she doesn't want to hear from us but also kind of expects that validation so I'm trying to understand the balance).

My dad has always relied on my stepmom to be the organizer in everything. He's a smart man but unlikely to ask for help. She may have a friend or two that she will keep in touch with, Im not sure, but she does not have children of her own and broke off relationship with her only sibling (in fact, has ruptured with almost everyone she was close with over the years--she adores her nephews though, but I doubt she will allow them to see her right now).

I am hoping that we can still visit my dad later this summer--but I worry he will feel unable to leave her alone and we can't see her, so I'm holding off for now.

OP, your stepmother has a lot to process in a very short amount of time - it sounds like she's saying no visitors as a way to protect herself/try to take some control in a situation that probably feels like she has very little control over. She may well change her mind as things move along, but support her where she's at right now.

My FIL passed away in the fall after a long struggle with cancer. There were lots of times he wasn't up for visitors/couldn't have visitors, so we dropped off food. Made me feel like I was helping him and my MIL in some small way, and let them know we were thinking of them and cared about them. Our kids mailed and dropped off pictures they drew. You can offer support in lots of ways, and sometimes what people need isn't as big as the support we're ready to jump in with.

My mother just finished cancer treatment. Her feelings about all of it before she began were very different than what they became as she went through it. Your stepmother is scared; I think once her treatment gets going and she comes to know how it feels, her feelings will evolve.

OP, this is PP here with MIL who has ALS. I am not going to sugar coat it, it can be heart breaking, stressful, anxiety ridden and very depressing to watch a loved one get sick (and in my case terminal) and have that person reject your offers of support and care. My MIL lashed out at us repeatedly, also sending emails about grievances or perceived slights over the years, over the most random things and sometimes over made up thing. At first we were so shocked and upset, but she's dying, so what's the point of arguing with her. All she seemed to want was validation, as a person and that her feelings mattered. We simply now reply to her "I am so sorry, I would never mean for my words or actions to harm you or make you upset. We love you." Done, end of story. There is no use in a back and forth. And no it's not fair. But life ain't fair.

It sounds like you will have to take things one day at a time, week by week, etc. I wouldn't recommend saying anything to your children right now as there doesn't seem much to tell them. She hasn't had her surgery yet. You don't know what her prognosis will be after that. If she isn't local there isn't any use in stressing out your children at this stage.

I would be concerned about your father. Does he have someone local, that can check on him for you? Is he part of a church or other community that can organize a meal train FOR HIM (so it's one less thing he has to worry about, which is feeding himself). Does your stepmother have her own family (siblings, children)? If so, have you touched base with them?

Please respect her wishes, even if that's hard for you.

Op, your choice of the word, "refuses" certainly does not make you look good.

OP here. I appreciate everyone's thoughts, especially those that have gone through this, either themselves or a loved one.

To the PP, she used the word refuses. In all caps in fact. She sent a note saying that she REFUSED to see ANYONE who knew her while she was sick. She said she would be extremely angry if we tried to visit, or if we sent anything at all to the hospital or called her (cards, flowers, notes) after her surgery. If my dad allowed anyone to see her, she would move out and go through treatments on her own. So, she is really adamant about this and I definitely am not interested in countering her wishes. But I am, as my original post pointed out, trying to figure out how to support my dad and what, if anything, to tell the kids. I'm not trying to work around her wishes. I definitely will not visit, call, send things or have the kids be in contact for as long as she wants that. And I hadn't thought about being immuno-compromised, so that's a really good point.


But, I worry still. My dad is almost 80 and 2 years out from his own cancer treatments, so its not like he's in the best of shape to do all the heavy lifting, should it come to that. Perhaps she will be open to a caregiver at some point, but she has indicated so far that she wants no one else in the home. She has long refused to have anyone she does not know in her homes (she does not trust strangers in the home, does her own cleaning, etc). We live across the country so its hard for me to just check in with him and take him to lunch, but I'd like to keep an eye on things if I can.

I think underneath it all she is scared. This week, she sent a couple notes telling me she was angry about all these things either I or my kids did in the past (didn't thank her appropriately for xmas gifts, etc). She's also furious at the doctors (took them longer to dx her than my dad, which she chalks up to being not as important as he is, etc). So, she's scared and mad.

Op, your choice of the word, "refuses" certainly does not make you look good.

OP you sound my in-laws who are very overbearing. Respect boundaries, find something else to do with your free time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would worry less about her and more about her husband, who is going to have to bear the entire burden of her care. That is not fair. I'd let her know you respect her wishes and don't intend to hurt her, and let him know that you know this is tough and how can you help, and to be honest if you need to intervene in mitigating her wishes against the reality of being a caretaker.

If they are world travelers, then he has the means to hire help if he needs it. It sounds like the stepmother's issue is not wanting people who know her to see her while she's ill. Hiring a stranger as a nurse to help out probably would be fine. And again, if they are "world travelers" as OP says, then they have the means to do that.

There's also hospice (if it comes to that).

I would not suggest that you will help "mitigate her wishes." That's horrible. Instead, offer to help pay for a nurse or something if need be (i.e., offer help that supports the father while also respecting stepmother's wishes).

+100. Mitigate=deny wishes in this case. If you're so concerned about the caretaker being burdened, then offer money to hire help. Any help that they deem to be appropriate - a nurse, home aide, housekeeper. Do not use concern for her husband as an excuse to insert yourself in the situation where she clearly does not want you.

Anonymous wrote:I would worry less about her and more about her husband, who is going to have to bear the entire burden of her care. That is not fair. I'd let her know you respect her wishes and don't intend to hurt her, and let him know that you know this is tough and how can you help, and to be honest if you need to intervene in mitigating her wishes against the reality of being a caretaker.

If they are world travelers, then he has the means to hire help if he needs it. It sounds like the stepmother's issue is not wanting people who know her to see her while she's ill. Hiring a stranger as a nurse to help out probably would be fine. And again, if they are "world travelers" as OP says, then they have the means to do that.

There's also hospice (if it comes to that).

I would not suggest that you will help "mitigate her wishes." That's horrible. Instead, offer to help pay for a nurse or something if need be (i.e., offer help that supports the father while also respecting stepmother's wishes).

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't make it about you. It's her life, she has the right to see it out on her own terms.

+1 She has every right to deal with things in her own way.

I totally understand not want people around when sick. I can even understand not wanting people around when dying. It's possible that she knows the prognosis isn't good, and in case the chemo doesn't work, she doesn't want her loved ones' last memories of her to be of her at her worst.

Respect that. If you love her, you'll give her the space she has asked for.

Read the link below and then get over yourself.

http://www.dailyshoring.com/how-to-help-during-tragedy-loss-or-illness/

I would worry less about her and more about her husband, who is going to have to bear the entire burden of her care. That is not fair. I'd let her know you respect her wishes and don't intend to hurt her, and let him know that you know this is tough and how can you help, and to be honest if you need to intervene in mitigating her wishes against the reality of being a caretaker.

OP, don't make it about you. It's her life, she has the right to see it out on her own terms.