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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There is so much power in stepping back and disentangling yourself, not being in a highly reactive state all the time. It took me two decades of struggle with my partner.

It was only when I truly, finally understood at a gut level that I can't control others, only myself, that I started to find more peace. This applies even more if your partner has serious issues they are working on.

I am angry, no doubt about it, at injustices in my partnership, in the world, in life. That's the kind of person I am. But it's on me to handle my feelings and reactions to the world around me.

I let go of thinking I could change or control my parther's actions or feelings. I put all my focus into figuring out how to handle myself, into making life more positive for myself and everyone around me, and into communicating and dealing with him in a positive way.  
[b]
Keep in mind, you have to do this with an understanding of what acceptable limits are on how you are treated and what you accept from others. There's a fine line between being resigned to and accepting others' behaviors and actually enabling others to get away with dumping things on you. [/b]

I think women really struggle with these issues with our partners because we get into childrearing mode, where we are always telling our kids what to do, teaching them, molding their behaviors, as it's part of our jobs as parents. NOT parenting our partners or random strangers means we have to make a conscious effort to switch that off.[/quote]

He's not a nonfunctional bump on a log. But what I really want is for him to notice that things need doing and to do them himself without me having to ask him or nag him into doing it. When I notice that chores need doing (such as emptying the dishwasher or taking the trash out to the garbage can, or rinsing out the sink after the kids have brushed their teeth), I usually do it immediately. Why is this too much to ask of men?

The other thing is, we both have demanding careers. When he comes home, he wants to lay around. I want to too but I don't because we have children who need to be fed, bathed, read to, and tucked into bed. We have chores that need doing: clean up after dinner, empty and repack backpacks and lunch boxes, sign son's homework planner, check homework, lay out clothes for tomorrow. He never takes the initiative on any of that stuff. It's like he thinks "I worked a full day, now I can rest." Well I did TOO but SOMEONE needs to do this stuff!

New poster. Can you give some examples of this? This is where I am struggling. I do much more around the house than my husband but I can't think of a way to make him want to do more.[/quote]

Reframe the question. What do you want to do, PP. [b]Take your husband out of the picture. What are the things around the house that matter to you. Do those. Leave everything else to the side. What might happen is that you will stop doing things he really wants taken care of. In which case, he'll do them because you're not going to. [/b]

For example, I hate dealing with dry cleaning. The hours are awful, I am always rushed and the bulk of my clothes I don't need to dry clean that often. My husband gets his dress shirts cleaned on a weekly basis. I explained to him that I was only going to the dry cleaner once a month (with my stuff). His dirty shirts piled up, he asked me to go, I told him I didn't need anything cleaned and walked out the door to work. He took his stuff with him and now is keeping track of this. Because it matters to him. Not me.[/quote]

But it's simple things like grocery shopping, cooking dinner, laundry, cleaning the bathrooms in between the cleaner's visits. All the mental gymnastics that a PP mentioned (keeping track of play dates, medical appointments, school stuff, holiday gift buying and wrapping). If I don't nag him to do these things, he just won't. So I have to do them on top of everything else including my own job.[/quote]

But it's a choice, PP. These things are important to you and that should be enough. Who cares what he does. Do what you think is important because you would be doing it regardless. It's a lot less psychic energy trying to cajole him into doing what you want to do. Also. Have you asked your husband what's important to him? Because that's a big thing and something I think a lot of women just let slide by. Maybe if it's a less "to do" and more of a what do you want to do, you might get more mileage out of him. [/quote]

Ok so I should just be all right with doing all of the errands and housework (we have an e/o cleaning lady so he literally doesn't lift a finger ever unless I nag him to but the bathrooms and kitchen in particular get gross on the off weeks so they need to be cleaned plus we always have laundry that needs to be done and put away) plus most of the parenting plus my own job?? Because that's what it sounds like you are saying. If I were to accept that as the accepted status quo, what would I be getting out of this relationship besides sparing myself the hassle of divorce?[/quote]

If you married a non-functional lump on a log, then that's a bigger issue. He's an adult and I imagine he has some opinions on how things should occur. What would he do left to his own devices?

But that said, I actually would pare down, do what needs to be done and call it a day. Because I think it's easier than dealing with the hassles of divorce (where I would be doing everyone alone anyway, but dealing with loss of wealth, sharing custody, uprooting the kids' lives, etc). [/quote][/quote]

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