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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .[/quote]

This is excellent advice.  I went through this 18 months ago and the best advice I got was to relieve myself of the pressure of making an immediate decision.  My advice would be similar: take care of yourself first!  I went to my doctor and did a full STD panel, got pills for sleeping and anxiety even though I had never needed them before in my life.  This really helped me just make it through the day.  I lost 15 pounds but once I started taking Ensure and drinking smoothies, I felt a little better.  I confided in a few close friends and they were an AMAZING support system.  They did not judge at all but just helped take care of me.  Making a lifelong decision when you are in the throes of trauma is not beneficial to anyone.  I asked my husband to move out briefly a few months after I found out bc it took me  time to decide what I wanted and what I could live with.  We ended up reconciling but I'm really happy that I gave myself time to make a decision when I was not in the middle of extreme devastation.  I think cheaters really underestimate what the f--ck they are putting their spouse through with their selfish actions.[/quote]

+1,000,000

They have no idea until they look and see exactly what their actions did to others.  And only if they are self-aware and decent do they feel like a big piece of remorseful sh*t and spend the rest of their days making up for it and actively fixing what is defective inside themselves.[/quote]

Exactly this. DH was shocked how profoundly his affair affected me.  Things weren't terribly great between us at the time of the affair, and he thought I wouldn't care that much.  When he realized how wrong he was, he clearly felt like the scumbag he was and has been trying to get his life together ever since.  Worst mistake of his life and one he will now how to spend the rest of life atoning for.  What an idiot.[/quote]

+3,000,000

DP. I will add, he didn’t realize how badly it affected himself as well when it all came to light.  He hit a major rock bottom and he went through a lot of mental health issues and therapy when what he was doing was not the person he ever wanted to be (hello FIL).  He also went dry for a year.  Complete identity crisis.  [/quote]

Were you able to to work it out in the end ?  Or get it to the point you were willing to?[/quote]

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