Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

This is excellent advice. I went through this 18 months ago and the best advice I got was to relieve myself of the pressure of making an immediate decision. My advice would be similar: take care of yourself first! I went to my doctor and did a full STD panel, got pills for sleeping and anxiety even though I had never needed them before in my life. This really helped me just make it through the day. I lost 15 pounds but once I started taking Ensure and drinking smoothies, I felt a little better. I confided in a few close friends and they were an AMAZING support system. They did not judge at all but just helped take care of me. Making a lifelong decision when you are in the throes of trauma is not beneficial to anyone. I asked my husband to move out briefly a few months after I found out bc it took me time to decide what I wanted and what I could live with. We ended up reconciling but I'm really happy that I gave myself time to make a decision when I was not in the middle of extreme devastation. I think cheaters really underestimate what the f--ck they are putting their spouse through with their selfish actions.

+1,000,000

They have no idea until they look and see exactly what their actions did to others. And only if they are self-aware and decent do they feel like a big piece of remorseful sh*t and spend the rest of their days making up for it and actively fixing what is defective inside themselves.

Exactly this. DH was shocked how profoundly his affair affected me. Things weren't terribly great between us at the time of the affair, and he thought I wouldn't care that much. When he realized how wrong he was, he clearly felt like the scumbag he was and has been trying to get his life together ever since. Worst mistake of his life and one he will now how to spend the rest of life atoning for. What an idiot.

+3,000,000

DP. I will add, he didn’t realize how badly it affected himself as well when it all came to light. He hit a major rock bottom and he went through a lot of mental health issues and therapy when what he was doing was not the person he ever wanted to be (hello FIL). He also went dry for a year. Complete identity crisis.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

This is excellent advice. I went through this 18 months ago and the best advice I got was to relieve myself of the pressure of making an immediate decision. My advice would be similar: take care of yourself first! I went to my doctor and did a full STD panel, got pills for sleeping and anxiety even though I had never needed them before in my life. This really helped me just make it through the day. I lost 15 pounds but once I started taking Ensure and drinking smoothies, I felt a little better. I confided in a few close friends and they were an AMAZING support system. They did not judge at all but just helped take care of me. Making a lifelong decision when you are in the throes of trauma is not beneficial to anyone. I asked my husband to move out briefly a few months after I found out bc it took me time to decide what I wanted and what I could live with. We ended up reconciling but I'm really happy that I gave myself time to make a decision when I was not in the middle of extreme devastation. I think cheaters really underestimate what the f--ck they are putting their spouse through with their selfish actions.

+1,000,000

They have no idea until they look and see exactly what their actions did to others. And only if they are self-aware and decent do they feel like a big piece of remorseful sh*t and spend the rest of their days making up for it and actively fixing what is defective inside themselves.

Exactly this. DH was shocked how profoundly his affair affected me. Things weren't terribly great between us at the time of the affair, and he thought I wouldn't care that much. When he realized how wrong he was, he clearly felt like the scumbag he was and has been trying to get his life together ever since. Worst mistake of his life and one he will now how to spend the rest of life atoning for. What an idiot.

Anonymous wrote:Shocked at the responses on here! Only blaming the ex girlfriend for this. This is why your husband keep on cheating: because you all allow it, don't hold the men responsible and turn a blind eye to it! Some of you are MAD at the ex for telling the wife?! What? I'd WANT to know my husband is straying I don't want to live in the dark with this.

Good grief ladies. Grow a pair.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am writing it as someone whose exH carried over a hidden affair at work for 5 years. He also did it on work trips/abroad. In my case it was a strong emotional connection between the 2 of them, so he would not stop seeing her. And I wanted out, too as I didn't want to live as a family with his AP so involved in my marriage forever.

But if your husband is already broken up with that woman, she's already disposed of and irrelevant. Her texting you shows her weakness. Do not break your marriage over some whore. Particular if your husband wants to reconcile, work on the relationship. You have 3 kids to think of ! If otherwise the marriage felt good (no abuse, alcohol, he is a good earner) try to stick it out. Do not confront him openly, do not talk about a divorce. Give yourself time to line up finances, research lawyers, get all statements. Then keep it locked in your drawer until kids are out for college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think concerns about something bad happening if the betrayed spouse ratted out the OW to her own spouse are overblown. I know it happens, but I think for most people its highly unlikely Most people who have affairs are just regular people who made bad decisions, not sociopaths.

So that (coupled with my belief that people have a right to know who they are sleeping with) is why if I found out my husband was sleeping with a married woman, I'd tell her husband.

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

Anonymous wrote:The only people advising not telling the AP’s husband are cheaters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait,is the other woman married? If so, call her husband, neighbors and co-workers.

This is the worst advice in this thread. Please do not do this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

This is excellent advice. I went through this 18 months ago and the best advice I got was to relieve myself of the pressure of making an immediate decision. My advice would be similar: take care of yourself first! I went to my doctor and did a full STD panel, got pills for sleeping and anxiety even though I had never needed them before in my life. This really helped me just make it through the day. I lost 15 pounds but once I started taking Ensure and drinking smoothies, I felt a little better. I confided in a few close friends and they were an AMAZING support system. They did not judge at all but just helped take care of me. Making a lifelong decision when you are in the throes of trauma is not beneficial to anyone. I asked my husband to move out briefly a few months after I found out bc it took me time to decide what I wanted and what I could live with. We ended up reconciling but I'm really happy that I gave myself time to make a decision when I was not in the middle of extreme devastation. I think cheaters really underestimate what the f--ck they are putting their spouse through with their selfish actions.

+1,000,000

They have no idea until they look and see exactly what their actions did to others. And only if they are self-aware and decent do they feel like a big piece of remorseful sh*t and spend the rest of their days making up for it and actively fixing what is defective inside themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

This is excellent advice. I went through this 18 months ago and the best advice I got was to relieve myself of the pressure of making an immediate decision. My advice would be similar: take care of yourself first! I went to my doctor and did a full STD panel, got pills for sleeping and anxiety even though I had never needed them before in my life. This really helped me just make it through the day. I lost 15 pounds but once I started taking Ensure and drinking smoothies, I felt a little better. I confided in a few close friends and they were an AMAZING support system. They did not judge at all but just helped take care of me. Making a lifelong decision when you are in the throes of trauma is not beneficial to anyone. I asked my husband to move out briefly a few months after I found out bc it took me time to decide what I wanted and what I could live with. We ended up reconciling but I'm really happy that I gave myself time to make a decision when I was not in the middle of extreme devastation. I think cheaters really underestimate what the f--ck they are putting their spouse through with their selfish actions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think concerns about something bad happening if the betrayed spouse ratted out the OW to her own spouse are overblown. I know it happens, but I think for most people its highly unlikely Most people who have affairs are just regular people who made bad decisions, not sociopaths.

So that (coupled with my belief that people have a right to know who they are sleeping with) is why if I found out my husband was sleeping with a married woman, I'd tell her husband.

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

I'm a DW that has neither cheated nor been cheated on in any of my relationships, as far as I know, and I agree with this. Life is more complicated than DCUM makes it seem.

You are both naive because it hasn't happened to you. And btw, it's not as easy as people think to keep this stuff secret. For instance, the only person in Robert Hanssen's case who found for the first and second time something happened was his wife.

You don’t know what’s happened in my relationships. Most sane people stand by the decision to not disclose if it’s over. Get your own self into therapy, don’t sink the entire ship and especially don’t sink another family.

Yes. Cheating with someone married, sinks ANOTHER family. Don't enter someone else's marriage. Period. If you have to be a slut, at least bang someone single and ruin only your OWN family.

That's a feature, not a bug. A lot of cheaters want to cheat with other married people, they think it's more likely to be kept secret. Mutually assured destruction and all. Feels safer than a single with nothing to lose.

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .