Reply to DS Wants to Transfer, DH Pushing Back

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[quote=Anonymous]Hi, I mentioned that DS is “into writing” as to why he connected with the theater-type kids without being a theater kid himself. That’s not what he intends to major in, he just enjoys it a great deal. I’m sorry, that line was misleading.

He hasn’t decided what he wants to major in yet—he has a broad range of interests in the humanities including languages (he speaks three), but he wants to explore before deciding what to major in.

I could certainly see how one might consider him spoiled. Without doubt he has grown up with a certain level of privilege and we are all very lucky and blessed to have the opportunities and options that we all do, not just him. I actually think that is part of the reason his money-obsessed roommate bothers him so much. DS is kind of sensitive (he has been that way since a little kid) and he does realize he is privileged, while his roommate is certain he is entitled to entry into the business school and is entitled to his spot among the Zuckerbergs and Musks. (We’ve met the kid and he is very animated about his love for money).

We discussed with DS how he is going to run into these people all throughout his life, and hopefully they will make some contribution other than to their own wallets and that they too can help society if they so choose —so not to just discount them immediately. Bringing up the wacky plumbing cousin again, after he made so much money, he started a small grant-making foundation to run in his retirement where he gives grants for work with the chronically ill because his mother has a chronic illness and her life has not been easy.

Basically I am trying to help him keep his mind open because I feel jumping to conclusions about someone’s character or motivation prevents people from having potentially meaningful relationships with others that might prove to be unexpectedly wonderful. Some people present themselves in a certain way that may be off-putting but it doesn’t mean there isn’t something deeper and it is worth at least giving people a chance, that’s my view, anyway.

Overall, I still feel like he needs to be able to make this decision because that also increases his sense of responsibility. If DH makes the final decision, and DS doesn’t integrate well in the end, then he can blame his experience on DH. He wouldn’t say that aloud to my DH but he might think it. If he gets in to Tufts and decides to go, if he is not happy there either then the responsibility is all his. If he goes and he is happy, he still gets to assume responsibility for his own happiness and that’s important too. This is one of the arguments that actually resonated with DH and why he should
back off and let him try. And again it’s not just about responsibility for negative things, but giving him the opportunity to feel responsible for positive decisions in his life too.

I admit it all sounds a bit snowflake-y even to my own family who were very hands off (I was a farm kid). Even though I think we turned out relatively OK, there were times my sister and I really wished our parents had been there more to help us think through things and to support us. We had no one really around to act as a sounding board and they were of the mind that kids should figure out EVERYTHING themselves. My sister and I said we would not be those parents. I love my parents but they are a different breed of tough parenting! [/quote]

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