Reply to What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?"

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[quote=Anonymous]I really appreciate the posts about how these attitudes get hard wired into people through generations and it's so hard to undo.

It reminds me of a conversation I had with my SIL many years ago. She was talking about how hard it was for her that my brother (her DH) worked for our dad. My dad was super demanding and was constantly asking my brother to do things outside working hours -- nights, weekends. My brother kept explaining to him that he wasn't free during those time because he had household and parenting duties, and my dad just didn't get it. When were were kids, my dad worked insane hours but that's because my mom did everything else for the house and their kids. My dad didn't even understand what there was to be done because he was focused on other things. But my SIL had a serious FT job. She needed a real partner. And my brother wanted to be that partner, but his boss/father didn't understand that role at all.

They wound up divorcing and I was sad for my brother but secretly happy for my SIL. And I think their divorce was ultimately good for both my brother and my dad because when my brother had joint custody, my dad could no longer just assume my SIL would take the kids or take care of house stuff so that my brother could work.

It's weird to cheer for your own brother to get divorced but on some level I did because it's one of the few things women can do to force these issues. Men marry and have kids and then fall into the habits they are raised in (women do too) and sometimes divorce is the only way to stop that cycle from repeating. I don't love divorce (it can be hard on kids) but men need to understand that if they don't want to split up, they have to step up. Women can back off on the domestic stuff, too, but it won't work if men don't step in to fill in the gaps.[/quote]

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