Reply to What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think some people take on too much of the mental load that isn’t even necessary. I’m sure a lot of this is due to societal pressures but some people are just really uptight and make more work for themselves and their spouse shouldn’t have to carry an equal load. However, naming and having “mental load” as part of a conversation is incredibly crucial in building more equitable and healthy relationships. I’d like to raise my children understanding this concept and I’ve chosen a spouse that has a lot of empathy and wants to build an equitable partnership and family. He has certain responsibilities that match his skills and he has full ownership. Its important to recognize that people have different standards so after agreeing on a general vision, let your partner own their job without criticism.

It’s also important to recognize that we have different values and I have to change my expectations around certain things. For example, he doesn’t agree with the commercialization of holidays like Christmas and he doesn’t care for decorating during the holidays. I care more about Christmas so I will buy and put up the lights and select the decorations I want. I keep it minimal and try to buy sustainable decor because we both agree on that point. He would be perfectly fine without lights and decor or even a tree. This responsibility I’ve freely taken on and enjoy, even though it adds to my mental load. If I expected him to participate 50%, I’m setting myself up for failure. Although he does offer to put up the lights himself, I just choose to do it since I have a particular vision and it frees him up to do things he’s better at, like constant repairs to our house. [/quote]

In your example, think your husband should help with (your reasonable and modest amount of) holiday decor because it is important to you, and maybe to your children.  Just as you might do something that is important to him.  But I fully agree that partners together need to agree on what is necessary and important, rather than one partner deciding. It is the case that a lot of men have significantly lower bars for what is acceptable, and some women have pretty high bars.  That doesn't mean the men are right just because it is less work to do it their way, it means a conversation needs to be had.

My spouse and I have made tons of progress on this compared to my parents, but I still take on a lot of the homemaker mental load, despite very equal jobs.

In most cases, it is easier for me to do it than to convince him to learn to do some of the things to my standards, which are NOT unreasonable, just not rock bottom.  I'll take meal planning/food as an example.  Left to his devices, he would make pasta with jarred sauce, frozen (or maybe fresh with pre-made crusts) pizza, and... I'm not even sure what else he'd come up with as ideas. He regularly fails to feed himself for lunch, and I guess that is his problem, not mine.  Also, he is really quite decent cook, he just doesn't know how to plan a weekly menu, especially one that varies a bit and includes some vegetables.  So, if I want to be able to hand off this task, there will be some learning curve...  My method isn't very complicated either, so I just do it.  I somewhat enjoy it, as long as my life isn't too crazy & stressful otherwise.  Similarly, I buy all of the kid toys and clothes, but I see it as not a burden, personally. He'd be perfectly capable on this task, I don't have any burning desire to hand it off.

On the other hand, he is pretty much 100% in charge of worrying about the house and home and yard maintenance.  It is "unfair" because it isn't a daily or even weekly task, but it is an actual mental load that I don't engage in because he is very competent in it, and enjoys it, and sometimes it does become a lot of work if there is a project to be don.  He has a few of these types of things.  The stereotypical women's mental load tends to be the day-to-day things, where men have less frequent things.  But he has day to day childcare responsibilities, so whatever.

Is it even?  I dunno, but we are not unhappy with the current workloads, so I guess it is working.[/quote]

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