Anonymous wrote:Nobody said it's a vanity project. I meant women usually have children based on *their own decisions and desires*, that is, you either want a child or you don't want a child, quite regardless of your circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, my age is not an issue, but DH might be too old? Anybody out there have kids with an older spouse want to share their experience? I don't think I care if DH can keep up with our kids in a tennis match or on the ski slopes when they are teenagers. I do care if a future child would suffer in other ways for having an older dad, so what are all the ways they might suffer? Is it socially awkward to have older parents? Is it the emotional burden of knowing that your parent may not be around for your wedding or to meet your grandchildren, or worrying that you'll have to live in this world without both of your parents for longer than others?

Also,

Anonymous wrote: Can you share more about the marital stresses that come up around the adult kids?

Stressors that I think are typical of blended families like ours. I think they boil down to time and resources that go from DH to his adult children, which someone could argue are excessive because DH feels guilty his first marriage didn't work out. I understand from the perspective DH's adult kids that DH's new wife and child take away time and resources from them, so there's just a division there that might never go away.

I was 34 and DH was 47 when we had our third child (I was 29 and DH 42 with our first child). Our kids are still little (our youngest is 2.5), but DH has more energy, patience and stamina than I do. DH runs with me every day 5 to 6 miles and then he play tennis for an hour at lunch. DH also did most of the night wake ups with all 3 of our children… he is a young soul (and even immature sometimes)… age is very relative in my opinion. I know plenty of 35 year olds that are too old to be dads while my husband at 47 (59 now) is doing just fine.

Oh and he teaches tennis to our older 2 kids!

Anonymous wrote:So, my age is not an issue, but DH might be too old? Anybody out there have kids with an older spouse want to share their experience? I don't think I care if DH can keep up with our kids in a tennis match or on the ski slopes when they are teenagers. I do care if a future child would suffer in other ways for having an older dad, so what are all the ways they might suffer? Is it socially awkward to have older parents? Is it the emotional burden of knowing that your parent may not be around for your wedding or to meet your grandchildren, or worrying that you'll have to live in this world without both of your parents for longer than others?

Also,

Anonymous wrote: Can you share more about the marital stresses that come up around the adult kids?

Stressors that I think are typical of blended families like ours. I think they boil down to time and resources that go from DH to his adult children, which someone could argue are excessive because DH feels guilty his first marriage didn't work out. I understand from the perspective DH's adult kids that DH's new wife and child take away time and resources from them, so there's just a division there that might never go away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 38. DH is 52. We have 2-year-old, plus DH has adult kids that have almost no relationship with our 2-year-old, so the 2-year-old is effectively an only child in our household. We can afford to have another kid and we already have a full-time nanny, and if we do try for no. 2 we can afford to hire a night nanny as well. We both work and have good incomes and savings. My primary motivation for trying to have another child would be to give our 2-year-old a sibling. My primary reasons for not trying to have another one is (i) our ages and (ii) marital stresses that arise from time to time over his adult kids (every time I think I want to try for another kid, something related to step life triggers me and I feel unhappy and pullback). I say “I” because DH has told me he wants another kid if I do. DH is healthy and active. He's also a great, doting dad whenever he's around, but he travels for work and to see his adult kids, so there are times when I feel lonely, but maybe that is something I should deal with in therapy and just try for no. 2 before it's too late?

OP. Here's the truth or truths, unrelated to each other.

Your husband's relationship with his adult children is his own. You cannot mediate it. Be grateful they live across the country and not under your feet. Let it be. Mess with it, and it will be at your peril. You are not a party to this bond, and it will not be affected by you except to your peril.

Your husband's young adult children have no interest in your child and can't "work on having a relationship" with him/her. No young adult is interested in a 2-year old or lets that 2-year old be a factor in their decision. That's quite normal. Let it be. It is simply not a factor that enters their thinking.

Having/not having another child decisions are for you. Women have children mostly for themselves. Have another child if you want, don't have it if you don't want it. Husbands are temporary, children are forever. Children belong to women in ways they don't to men. If you were to divorce, it's better for your children to have the same father vs. a divorced you trying to meet someone new and have a child with him.

You are not too old but you're working against time, not with it. I had my children at 37, 41 and 45. Is it too late? yes. But my choices were not 41 vs time machine, it was baby at 41 vs no baby. I went for baby at 41. Is your husband too old? Probably. But again - you are having children for you, so figure out if you can count on yourself. Women have children in refugee camps so I am quite confident a 38-year old in DC with a nice career and a night nanny will manage.

Anonymous wrote:I’m 38. DH is 52. We have 2-year-old, plus DH has adult kids that have almost no relationship with our 2-year-old, so the 2-year-old is effectively an only child in our household. We can afford to have another kid and we already have a full-time nanny, and if we do try for no. 2 we can afford to hire a night nanny as well. We both work and have good incomes and savings. My primary motivation for trying to have another child would be to give our 2-year-old a sibling. My primary reasons for not trying to have another one is (i) our ages and (ii) marital stresses that arise from time to time over his adult kids (every time I think I want to try for another kid, something related to step life triggers me and I feel unhappy and pullback). I say “I” because DH has told me he wants another kid if I do. DH is healthy and active. He's also a great, doting dad whenever he's around, but he travels for work and to see his adult kids, so there are times when I feel lonely, but maybe that is something I should deal with in therapy and just try for no. 2 before it's too late?

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The problems are all of the above. It's DH, his adult children, our ages, and the fact that I was 100% unrealistic about stepfamilies when I married in. Why would any realistic, attractive, professionally successful woman in her thirties who had other options marry a man who is 14 years older and already has an entire family including children and a difficult ex wife? That is a choice someone who is unrealistically in love makes. You're right, we're probably heading toward divorce, and I'm probably thinking about a second child because I know it shouldn't happen for us and that makes me sad.