Reply to In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thank you PP from the depths of my heart as a betrayed spouse for recognizing there is no justification for having an affair, ever, never, ever.  Cheating and lying never become ok and you are forrcing your spouse into continuing to have a relationship with you not knowing you are sleeping with someone else.  It is the worst imaginable pain.  Thank you for recognizing it and owning it.[/quote]

Yes. The big question is how to proceed with family life in the least damaging/most reparative way possible. How will you do this, OP?

How do other (broken due to divorce) families manage this? I know there are lots of others in this sad, dilapidated boat… [/quote]

1) Break up with the AP. As a PP said, just take this hit for your family, after screwing your family up so thoroughly

2) If you can't do that, just recognize that there is no happily ever after post-divorce family as long as you stay with the AP. Your kids will always resent you (and the AP) even if they pretend all is well.* You will never have that happy post-divorce family Thanksgiving or soccer tournament. It will always be terrible and awkward, for you and for your ex.

*[b]Also note that your kids might try to put on a brave face in front of you because you are the emotionally unsafe parent who they believe could leave at any moment. They will let this all out with the safe parent that they trust will still be there tomorrow[/b]. [/quote]

This.  If you are obtaining their cooperation with the divorce and your "new" boyfriend, there will be hell to pay when they find out.  They may ask your ex point-blank if there was an affair and you can't really expect him to lie for you.  Children need parents they can trust.  And that isn't you, as long as this secret is hanging over their heads and yours. Break up with your AP and this will be a much smaller deal because you will no longer be trying to foist him on the rest of the family.

Ask yourself why you feel the need to ever mention anything about your AP to your ex. He lives out of town.  Why can't you just not bring him up?  It seems totally unnecessary and I suspect you are trying to ease into a happy blended family dynamic, and that is probably why your XH feels like he has to deter you.[/quote]

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