Anonymous
Post 05/19/2021 01:30     Subject: Re:In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
I'm not the OP of the thread. But what's strange to me about this PP's post is, why would you ever have an affair if you had a shred of love left for your DH, enough that you'd want to stay with him? I think most women, myself included, who get to the point of having an affair are DONE with their husband and permanently turned off by him but just don't want to break up their children's home. I think the fact that PP apparently still had love for her DH and cheated on him anyway makes her far more sociopathic and unethical, regardless of whatever therapy she has since done.


1. You are a complete coward.
2. You are wrong. Many people who have affairs do it just because they can, and believe they will never get caught.

You claim you are staying for your kids - what you are teaching your kids is that it’s ok if your word means nothing and that it’s ok to lie and cheat. The damage you will inflict on them when your affair is discovered is much worse than if you acted like a mature adult and divorced your husband, or at least told him that you refused to be faithful.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2021 00:56     Subject: In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
Anonymous wrote:That is such a thoughtful and refreshingly vulnerable and helpful response. And constructive in it’s opportunity to OP and others for self-reflection/action.


+1
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2021 00:40     Subject: Re:In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been thinking about this thread and your responses...I'm not sure if you're still reading, I'd like to offer my perspective as a former AP.

My husband and I are still together. After my affair, I dove deep and worked hard on myself to determine why I thought my choices were okay, and why I made the decision to do things that hurt other people. Those deep dives were in no way easy or quick. It is no picnic to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in the situation. But I faced this fact and took responsibility for my choices. My H saw what I was doing and tentatively gave me a second chance. We moved forward from there.

I fully understand that even now, ten plus years later, my past actions still hurt him. He will never be the same and that is my fault. I have changed and our relationship has changed but I recognize things that will trigger him and actively look not to do those things. Not to avoid the issue, but to not further hurt him. A betrayal of this nature is not a small thing and never truly goes away. For a time, I did not have his back. Now I strive to always have his back.

I feel that in your situation you think because you and your husband divorced, the affair is in the past. Just because you divorced, that does not mean you are without culpability. You made choices that hurt your husband and I suspect you never did the work to find out why. Even if your relationship was close to finished, you disrespected your husband, your marriage, yourself. Why?

And what posters here are responding to is that you continue to disrespect your former husband, the father of your children. He may be past your affair but the pain will always be there. I have seen the pain an affair causes on a person up close and if I could take that pain away from my husband I would in a second. But I was selfish and self-centered and terrible. And you continue to be selfish and self-centered by expecting your xH to accept your former AP as your partner. Can you not see how that is a continuing disrespect to him as a person? As someone you loved and had a family with?

I hope you can look inward and take stock of your current choices and actions and what consequences could come of them. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but just to look beyond yourself. Good luck.


I'm not the OP of the thread. But what's strange to me about this PP's post is, why would you ever have an affair if you had a shred of love left for your DH, enough that you'd want to stay with him? I think most women, myself included, who get to the point of having an affair are DONE with their husband and permanently turned off by him but just don't want to break up their children's home. I think the fact that PP apparently still had love for her DH and cheated on him anyway makes her far more sociopathic and unethical, regardless of whatever therapy she has since done.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2021 20:46     Subject: Re:In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
^^ Former AP above has done what so many people have told OP to do - take responsibility for her hurtful choices and actions, and get in therapy to figure out her whys. OP, there is a theme throughout this thread that focuses on your selfishness and lack of self-reflection (the same traits that allowed you to engage in an affair, with a "friend" no less). If you truly were remorseful for the terrible pain you have inflicted on your exDH and kids, you would never want to see your AP again.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2021 19:39     Subject: In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
That is such a thoughtful and refreshingly vulnerable and helpful response. And constructive in it’s opportunity to OP and others for self-reflection/action.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2021 19:29     Subject: Re:In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
OP, I've been thinking about this thread and your responses...I'm not sure if you're still reading, I'd like to offer my perspective as a former AP.

My husband and I are still together. After my affair, I dove deep and worked hard on myself to determine why I thought my choices were okay, and why I made the decision to do things that hurt other people. Those deep dives were in no way easy or quick. It is no picnic to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in the situation. But I faced this fact and took responsibility for my choices. My H saw what I was doing and tentatively gave me a second chance. We moved forward from there.

I fully understand that even now, ten plus years later, my past actions still hurt him. He will never be the same and that is my fault. I have changed and our relationship has changed but I recognize things that will trigger him and actively look not to do those things. Not to avoid the issue, but to not further hurt him. A betrayal of this nature is not a small thing and never truly goes away. For a time, I did not have his back. Now I strive to always have his back.

I feel that in your situation you think because you and your husband divorced, the affair is in the past. Just because you divorced, that does not mean you are without culpability. You made choices that hurt your husband and I suspect you never did the work to find out why. Even if your relationship was close to finished, you disrespected your husband, your marriage, yourself. Why?

And what posters here are responding to is that you continue to disrespect your former husband, the father of your children. He may be past your affair but the pain will always be there. I have seen the pain an affair causes on a person up close and if I could take that pain away from my husband I would in a second. But I was selfish and self-centered and terrible. And you continue to be selfish and self-centered by expecting your xH to accept your former AP as your partner. Can you not see how that is a continuing disrespect to him as a person? As someone you loved and had a family with?

I hope you can look inward and take stock of your current choices and actions and what consequences could come of them. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but just to look beyond yourself. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2021 14:04     Subject: Re:In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
Anonymous wrote:She is not going to give up her AP. But she can do a version of reparation by not expecting anything from her former husband outside of parenting the children, as many have said. His refusal to engage is a consequence of how you exited the marriage op and the mature stance is to accept it and seek nothing more.


She may, upon further reflection. It can take a long time for the sexy sheen to wear off and for one to realize the depth of harm marital betrayal and APs cause. The self-righteous sense of “being in love” and “we are right together, everyone else be damned” can take a few years or more to diminish, but it does, and when she truly sees the remaining rubble of the lives of her loved ones, the regret and desire to make reparations (good word, PP) will manifest. By then, her ex-H won’t give a fff as he will be off on his own life path and probably her consider her a bump in the road that helped him find his actual and true good life.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2021 13:32     Subject: Re:In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
She is not going to give up her AP. But she can do a version of reparation by not expecting anything from her former husband outside of parenting the children, as many have said. His refusal to engage is a consequence of how you exited the marriage op and the mature stance is to accept it and seek nothing more.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2021 13:26     Subject: Re:In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
Why are you bringing a former AP and husband's friend to your kids games??? That AP must be a pos and have a lot of nerve to show up.

Anonymous
Post 05/18/2021 13:18     Subject: In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
Anonymous wrote:You're coldblooded. It's one thing to cheat, but with a friend and now you expect your exh to play nice about it? Wow.


I don't get any of this. I would never talk to her if I were her ex. Simply meet somewhere to do the child exchanges, any sports etc. I would sit far away. She would be dead to me.

Also, notice the AP hasn't married her yet and the poor kids have been exposed to so much. Even her ex shouldn't be having his gfs around the kids unless it's leading to marriage. Put your kids first, how hard is that!
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2021 13:13     Subject: In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP from the depths of my heart as a betrayed spouse for recognizing there is no justification for having an affair, ever, never, ever. Cheating and lying never become ok and you are forrcing your spouse into continuing to have a relationship with you not knowing you are sleeping with someone else. It is the worst imaginable pain. Thank you for recognizing it and owning it.


Yes. The big question is how to proceed with family life in the least damaging/most reparative way possible. How will you do this, OP?

How do other (broken due to divorce) families manage this? I know there are lots of others in this sad, dilapidated boat…


1) Break up with the AP. As a PP said, just take this hit for your family, after screwing your family up so thoroughly

2) If you can't do that, just recognize that there is no happily ever after post-divorce family as long as you stay with the AP. Your kids will always resent you (and the AP) even if they pretend all is well.* You will never have that happy post-divorce family Thanksgiving or soccer tournament. It will always be terrible and awkward, for you and for your ex.

*Also note that your kids might try to put on a brave face in front of you because you are the emotionally unsafe parent who they believe could leave at any moment. They will let this all out with the safe parent that they trust will still be there tomorrow.


This. If you are obtaining their cooperation with the divorce and your "new" boyfriend, there will be hell to pay when they find out. They may ask your ex point-blank if there was an affair and you can't really expect him to lie for you. Children need parents they can trust. And that isn't you, as long as this secret is hanging over their heads and yours. Break up with your AP and this will be a much smaller deal because you will no longer be trying to foist him on the rest of the family.

Ask yourself why you feel the need to ever mention anything about your AP to your ex. He lives out of town. Why can't you just not bring him up? It seems totally unnecessary and I suspect you are trying to ease into a happy blended family dynamic, and that is probably why your XH feels like he has to deter you.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2021 13:05     Subject: Re:In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
The difference between OP and the PP who is with her AP but completely regrets her choices is reflection, self-awareness and remorse. OP's posts demonstrate the exact opposite: selfishness, blame-shifting and entitlement. She needs real therapy, as others have suggested.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2021 13:03     Subject: In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP from the depths of my heart as a betrayed spouse for recognizing there is no justification for having an affair, ever, never, ever. Cheating and lying never become ok and you are forrcing your spouse into continuing to have a relationship with you not knowing you are sleeping with someone else. It is the worst imaginable pain. Thank you for recognizing it and owning it.


Yes. The big question is how to proceed with family life in the least damaging/most reparative way possible. How will you do this, OP?

How do other (broken due to divorce) families manage this? I know there are lots of others in this sad, dilapidated boat…


1) Break up with the AP. As a PP said, just take this hit for your family, after screwing your family up so thoroughly

2) If you can't do that, just recognize that there is no happily ever after post-divorce family as long as you stay with the AP. Your kids will always resent you (and the AP) even if they pretend all is well.* You will never have that happy post-divorce family Thanksgiving or soccer tournament. It will always be terrible and awkward, for you and for your ex.

*Also note that your kids might try to put on a brave face in front of you because you are the emotionally unsafe parent who they believe could leave at any moment. They will let this all out with the safe parent that they trust will still be there tomorrow.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2021 12:50     Subject: In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP from the depths of my heart as a betrayed spouse for recognizing there is no justification for having an affair, ever, never, ever. Cheating and lying never become ok and you are forrcing your spouse into continuing to have a relationship with you not knowing you are sleeping with someone else. It is the worst imaginable pain. Thank you for recognizing it and owning it.


Yes. The big question is how to proceed with family life in the least damaging/most reparative way possible. How will you do this, OP?

How do other (broken due to divorce) families manage this? I know there are lots of others in this sad, dilapidated boat…


By giving up your AP. That is really the only way forward. Date someone else and the affair can recede into the past at least somewhat. But if you are trying to maintain a happy co-parenting situation that includes your XH's backstabbing former friend, it can't.


NP here:
I 100% agree. Not only will the wounds never heal, but it may fester with your kids once they know that their step-dad is the long-running AP that broke up the family. THEY WILL FIND OUT.

There's tens of millions of single men in the U.S. The OP can find another guy to love. The fact that she went back to the AP after a multi-year break tells me that she's learned nothing about this horrible experience, she hasn't gone to therapy, etc.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2021 12:46     Subject: In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP from the depths of my heart as a betrayed spouse for recognizing there is no justification for having an affair, ever, never, ever. Cheating and lying never become ok and you are forrcing your spouse into continuing to have a relationship with you not knowing you are sleeping with someone else. It is the worst imaginable pain. Thank you for recognizing it and owning it.


Yes. The big question is how to proceed with family life in the least damaging/most reparative way possible. How will you do this, OP?

How do other (broken due to divorce) families manage this? I know there are lots of others in this sad, dilapidated boat…


By giving up your AP. That is really the only way forward. Date someone else and the affair can recede into the past at least somewhat. But if you are trying to maintain a happy co-parenting situation that includes your XH's backstabbing former friend, it can't.