Reply to Unexpected parts of becoming a SAHM to small kids

Forum Index » General Parenting Discussion

Reply to "Unexpected parts of becoming a SAHM to small kids"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a WOHM but unexpectedly SAH due to DC medical issue the past month. I was always very curious what it would be like. My job is very flexible and I had basically a year off with each kid to work from home, but I also had help so it wasn’t the full experience.

What surprised me most — 1) the tedium. Constant food preparation became mind numbing, and on top of that the cycle of laundry, tidying, etc. Each task was fine in itself but the feeling of always having another repetitive task to do was not restful. 2) missed my work. I loved the time I had with DC but I also felt like I wasn’t engaging other parts of myself. There was bliss and awe of all the little moments with DC, but if I’m honest, also restlessness and a frustrating lack of stimulation at times. 3) fragmentation of mental space. Especially missed the chance to have thoughts that last longer than a minute or two. My work involves lots of abstract thinking, teaching, research, engaging with art etc. and this was in some ways the polar opposite because I could never get a train of thought longer than 15 seconds.  4) Less patience for both children, because DC1 would come home at the end of a long day and I’d be emotionally spent. Days in general felt much longer. More of a “second shift” feeling once kids went to sleep. 5) identity shift, not in a good way. I felt such relief at the thought that I had another life besides this one, another world. My mind became a lot more anxious at home, somehow, as if it was focused on minutiae only and everything else fell away. I think it takes a certain kind of person to do such intense caretaking and support, day in and day out, and not lose him or herself.

It was a valuable experience, though, and probably cured my itch to do it full time. The grass is always greener. [/quote]

OP here- this is incredibly helpful. I actually wish I could test drive being a SAH mom like this— part of me thinks I will share this experience, but the other side wonders if it would be more like those who posted earlier saying that after a 10 yr high pressure career, SAH was easy[/quote]

PP here. So my career has been fairly competitive and high pressure despite the relative flexibility (academia at a top tier research university). I think part of the fantasy of SAH was getting away from that and being in the moment with the kids. At the same time I could not romanticize SAH because my mom did it and it was kind of a grind — she was a brilliant ambitious woman who was also a kickass homemaker and mother, but we could all tell she felt frustrated and undervalued. I tried to go into the experience with an open mind, as who knows that could just be my mom’s personality or issues and it doesn’t need to be me. But now I think I understand more the malaise that I see in many (not all) SAHMs. If you’re educated and not socialized to expect taking up a very domestic role, it’s a huge shift in identity and role.

I did this “experiment” under pretty ideal circumstances — partner was home some of the time, one easy toddler to enjoy. We spent our days literally watching stingrays at the aquarium, feeding chickens, making bread and graham crackers from scratch, checking out tadpoles at the nature center. So I think if  I felt that way under those circumstances it’s a good gauge. I also think it’s very different with preschool age kids — they are a lot more restless and you start to get a lot more attitude and defiance and whining as they naturally differentiate their identity.

I did take away some positive things from the experience which I’ll try to incorporate going forward. I liked being physically at home so I will try to work from my home office. I liked having the morning outings and adventures, and now that I’m more senior I will flex my schedule for to do more of that during the week. Finally, I feel more secure in the fact that my bond is the same with my kids if I work or SAH. I’ve always wondered if that would change but honestly it is not. I am glad I had this time with DC2 but I am super close with DC1 and I see that the time on the weekend and after school is sufficient to maintain that bond. Also I see that more time is not necessarily more quality time. Having a babysitter and help around the house does give me more bandwidth to be patient, plan fun activities, and give more emotional attention to both.

Hope this helps OP— I know it’s tough to weigh![/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics