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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As a cheater ... he probably did it because he could. I could cite low self esteem, some unresolved issues and resentments, anger with my husband.  But real reason is that I was selfish and unwilling to face the issues I had. I met somebody and felt a connection and hadn't felt that for ages and decided the risk was worth it, and I went with it.

Cheaters are jerks. Immature and unable to deal with the reality of the present. Cheating gives you a mini-vacation from the stress of day to day life. It was the bright spot in my day that was otherwise beset with crap. But it isn't sustainable, because that bright spot belongs to somebody else. [/quote]

This is OP again.  How did you come to realize this about yourself? Did your husband feel like your life together was crap before your affair? I’m asking because I don’t see how my husband could have felt our life was crappy—I certainly didn’t! I suspect that “he did it because he could” is part of the reason, but I just don’t be get it!  I could sleep with someone I meet at a bar too, but I don’t because I love my DH, my kids and our life together.  This is a betrayal and also a rejection of me on so many levels. If this is the reason, he’s saying “I don’t care about you”, “I don’t care about our family”, “you’re not enough for me”, “you stupidly thought we were happy, but we’re not” and on and on.[/quote]

[b]How did I come to realize this [/b]... Lots of introspection for a few years after my affair. I'm still working on it. I know more about myself now, and looking back I can see a LOT more of my cheating tendencies from way back. Never actually cheated, but my boundaries are bad.

[b]Did my H feel our life was crap before my affair? [/b]Probably not. And I didn't either. Because our life wasn't crap. We aren't fighters. We work to get along. But there was something missing, and that was closeness. We had sex, fine. But we weren't close. At least I didn't feel close. DH was working, not paying attention to us. Other issues I'd rather not get into here. But we'd lost our connection. It had been gone for a while. And I'm not good at admitting when there is a problem. Or even acknowledging to myself that there was a problem.

[b]Sleeping with somebody else is betrayal and rejection of you.[/b] Yes, it absolutely is. That is actually also what I was doing (for my own reasons). I was betraying and rejecting my husband for the things I was not admitting I felt in real life. I think that was me ... trying to play it perfect? I'm fine, it's all fine, this is FINE. But you can't ignore your feelings and emotions forever. And you can't pretend you aren't hurt forever. And I couldn't ignore my husband's betrayals and pretend they weren't betrayals forever. But instead of admitting all that, that I had some anger and grief and pain ... I had an affair. I like what the other poster said about having no emotional intelligence. I have no emotional intelligence, I'm emotionally immature. I know how to suppress. SO, yes, for me it was a huge betrayal and rejection of my husband.  I know why I was betraying and rejecting.  But your DH has to figure that out for himself.[/quote]

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