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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As a cheater ... he probably did it because he could. I could cite low self esteem, some unresolved issues and resentments, anger with my husband.  But real reason is that I was selfish and unwilling to face the issues I had. I met somebody and felt a connection and hadn't felt that for ages and decided the risk was worth it, and I went with it.

Cheaters are jerks. Immature and unable to deal with the reality of the present. Cheating gives you a mini-vacation from the stress of day to day life. It was the bright spot in my day that was otherwise beset with crap. But it isn't sustainable, because that bright spot belongs to somebody else. [/quote]

This is OP again.  How did you come to realize this about yourself? Did your husband feel like your life together was crap before your affair? I’m asking because I don’t see how my husband could have felt our life was crappy—I certainly didn’t! I suspect that “he did it because he could” is part of the reason, but I just don’t be get it!  I could sleep with someone I meet at a bar too, but I don’t because I love my DH, my kids and our life together.  This is a betrayal and also a rejection of me on so many levels. If this is the reason, he’s saying “I don’t care about you”, “I don’t care about our family”, “you’re not enough for me”, “you stupidly thought we were happy, but we’re not” and on and on.[/quote]

My DH cheated as well, and I thought we had the same happy life you did.  the thing is that cheaters are, by their nature, two-faced.  They are willing to pretend - both to the wife and the affair partner.  To the wife the cheater is saying everything is great.  To the AP, they make something else up.  I had a chance to read my now ex’s emails to his AP.  They did not at all describe the life we had.  He told her a big story about how we weren’t really a couple and he was just there out of duty (while at the same time he was telling me he loved me and wanted to have another baby).  The cheater doesn’t think at all that they will get caught or have to pay any consequences because they are just creating a fantasy to fill a need of their own.

OP, I can see you are struggling to understand, and that is rational.  But, the thing is that an affair at its core is irrrational, and the only person who can understand and explain it is your husband.  If there is one thing I wish I had done when I went thru this, it is to stop focusing on him.  At the time I demanded to have radical access and transparency to all phone, email, bills, etc.  I’m glad I did that and would do it again.  But, what I failed to do was prioritize myself.  I should have given DH a certain amount of time to figure out his shit and come to me and own it.  While he was doing that, I should have focused on building the life I wanted whether or not he was around - strengthening career options, strengthening my relationship with the kids, getting finances in order, building friend networks and family supports and writing a post-nup agreement that would act as a divorce if necessary (on terms favorable to me and the kids).  Instead, I got sucked into couples therapy (inappropriate in an abusive relationship - and infidelity is abuse), into Al-anon, S-anon, etc.  These were not my problems, and I would have been far better off if I had spent that time on me and the kids.  The decision to have an affair really had nothing to do with me.  I had no control or influence over my then DH.  In the end, I did have a timeline in my head, and after 2 years, I sat down and evaluated myself if he had done the things necessary to earn my trust back.  The answer was no, and I cut him loose.  Sad, but a situation I had no control over except to pick from an array of bad options to choose the one that was the least bad that I could live with.

He wrecked the marriage I thought we had, and I wasn’t interested in the kind of marriage he was offering (dishonest, unstable and delusional).[/quote]

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