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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I know this has been discussed before.  I'm expecting my first DC in less than a month (we're mid 30s; married 10 years), and daycare is going to cost more than my income.  I work at a NGO and make 35k/year.  DH is a big law associate (6L) and works long hours in litigation.  I already have to do everything around the house although we do pay for cleaners to help once a month - and when I say everything I mean everything, such as I painted the house when we first bought it, fix broken things, take care of the yard/mow, grocery stop/pack lunches, etc.  I got no issues doing it all because my DH is very appreciative and constantly shows it; [i]also there is no fixing this beyond only adding more help - lawn people, more frequently cleaning, handymen, etc[/i].   Maybe it's my tired, pregnant brain, but I'm considering staying home once we add a kid to the mix.

So my question is, how are people's relationships affected if one is a stay at home?  [/quote]

Haven't you two talked about this already?
Maybe do it with a third party (rabbi, priest, counselor) and get down some personal and family goals for the short, medium and long term. THen talk about how congruent these goals are or are not.

If you know you are married to a workaholic potential rainmaker, he is never going to do things around the house unless YOU make it a family goal. Heck, he might even dial it down to a Fed atty or in-house counsel job which pay just fine, have more reasonable hours, and allow him to be a more involved spouse and father. What are his goals?  What does he want his role to be in his own family?  Just a paycheck?  A thankful and grateful paycheck?  Someone has to manage the homefront, raise the kids, plan the schedule. And it's not all outsourceable.

What did his parents do?

Finally, what are your goals? If you aren't planning a higher paying promotion or job step then that has to factor in b/c $35k W-2 income for 40 hours of work is very low. I say this as someone who has worked at non-profits but made $200k/year since age 30, w grad degree. If you just want a lifestyle NGO and are not accountable for ROI for donor funds or demonstrating what the donations did for the cause (i.e. Gates Foundation), then leaving the work force is NBD. [/quote]

OP here again.  I'm okay with him not helping out around the house (*gasp*).  We talked about it long and hard prior him moving into Biglaw, and we both knew what we are signing up for.  Part of that agreement is that I can outsource whatever I want for support without his prior input - thus the cleaners now.   I get that it is not all outsourceable such as managing the finances, but I can handle most of it or outsource what I can't - cleaning, lawn, handyman, etc.  My DH expresses his thanks daily, either verbally, physically, or small gifts (he brought home a jar of compass coffee nitro yesterday as he knows today is my telework today so I'll have it today)  + is 100% supportive of anything I need/want.  Just because it doesn't seem like a good life to you, doesn't mean it it doesn't work for us.  I think it helps that my father was a CFO at a fortune 500 company, so I grew up and am used to life being a tad focused on someone's job; my father retired in 2000 and still works as a consultant to this day in his 80s - some people just have drive.  And, quite honestly I don't want to work that hard at a job so I consider myself lucky that my DH has drive that I, well, don't.  I always thought I'd like to work similar to my father, but I've found I enjoy working directly with people helping them - aka setting them up in apartments, taking them shopping for the first time, teaching them how the bus/metro works, etc. than sitting at my desk or having a meeting just to have a meeting.

To answer you other question, my DH's parents are both attorneys but from small firms in the midwest with just 1-3 offices.  Only kid and he was very much a daycare then latch key kid.

Also I left a bigger name NGO a few years ago as I found the office environment to not be enjoyable for me as they were all about the bottom financial line (less focus on getting grants/contracts but drives for private donations to allow for more indirect/unnecessary spending) and not about the clients (kids) served.  I went smaller with a slight pay cut as I'd rather appreciate my work that has/had set state funding vs. focusing heavily on development.  I like focusing on the work itself more.

I'm pretty happy with my life now.  Let's see what happens when DC comes along in a few weeks.

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