Reply to my wife's thin skin

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP.  Your issues large stem from conversational differences that set you guys up behind the eight ball before you even start a discussion.  You have different ways of communicating and you have to learn to compromise and speak in ways that will make your partner more receptive to what you have to say.

Short term:  You need to start discussions long before they get to a bottleneck or boiling point.  For the furniture, you need to discuss "can we each do a little research, get some ideas and then compare what we've picked.  If we can't agree, we can discuss what we want and what we don't and then we can look for alternatives."  In your example, she went into the research thinking she would find some alternatives.  She put a lot of work into the selection and then you shot it down without any alternatives.  It says that her work wasn't appreciated, her choice was criticized and you aren't offering to help, just making her do more work.  So, before she gets to the point of making a suggestion and suggesting looking for alternatives, suggest a process to her that includes you each doing work, each providing ideas and then discussing options and alternatives.  You felt like you were being open, but from her perspective, you were not.

For the driving, again you need to change the framework.  After she started to drive, having some compassion that driving in a new country was a good start, but you should have focused on suggesting that she needs some more practice time driving rather than focusing on her driving with the children.  Rather than being constructive and suggesting that she needs more practice, you immediately went to "you're endangering our children and I have to step in to stop you."  Imagine if you took your children to the playground and wanted to let your child explore the jungle gym without standing below them.  Your wife swoops in and says that you are endangering your child, that they could fall and break a limb or worse, their neck, and that she doesn't want you taking the children to the playground without her until she can trust you.  Essentially in both cases, one parent is unilaterally saying that they don't trust the other parents' judgment and that they don't care for the safety of the children.  Not good messages that will ever be received well.

Long term:  You should get one of Deborah Tannen's Books "That's Not What I Meant!" or "You Just Don't Understand".  She's written many good books on communication but these are a really good place to start.  As a friend who is a professional linguist once said to me, these are Linguistics 101 for learning how to understand and communicate better.  She frames them in the ways that men and woman are often taught to communicate.  In your case, I think the basics to linguistics and learning to read your partner's communication style would be helpful.  People have to understand that communication is half communicating the right message and half receiving the right message.  If your conversation partner is not receiving the right message, then you need to adjust your communication methods to make sure that the right message is received.  My wife and I were mostly on track when we first met, but we still had some miscommunication.  This book definitely helped us learn how to communicate to each other better.  It wasn't so much what we were saying, but how we were saying it.  And techniques in the book helped us learn to read each other better and learn to communicate more in the manner which the partner would understand.  19 years later, we are still much better at framing messages to each other than we were.  I frame things differently now when I speak to my wife vs speaking with others because I know how she'll receive my message better.  She does the same.

[url]https://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversation/dp/0060959622/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8[/url]
[url]https://www.amazon.com/Thats-What-Meant-Conversational-Relationships/dp/0062062999/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8[/url][/quote]

These books look helpful. Thank you.[/quote]

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