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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There is so much power in stepping back and disentangling yourself, not being in a highly reactive state all the time. It took me two decades of struggle with my partner.

It was only when I truly, finally understood at a gut level that I can't control others, only myself, that I started to find more peace. This applies even more if your partner has serious issues they are working on.

I am angry, no doubt about it, at injustices in my partnership, in the world, in life. That's the kind of person I am. But it's on me to handle my feelings and reactions to the world around me.

I let go of thinking I could change or control my parther's actions or feelings. I put all my focus into figuring out how to handle myself, into making life more positive for myself and everyone around me, and into communicating and dealing with him in a positive way.  
[b]
Keep in mind, you have to do this with an understanding of what acceptable limits are on how you are treated and what you accept from others. There's a fine line between being resigned to and accepting others' behaviors and actually enabling others to get away with dumping things on you. [/b]

I think women really struggle with these issues with our partners because we get into childrearing mode, where we are always telling our kids what to do, teaching them, molding their behaviors, as it's part of our jobs as parents. NOT parenting our partners or random strangers means we have to make a conscious effort to switch that off.[/quote]

New poster. Can you give some examples of this? This is where I am struggling. I do much more around the house than my husband but I can't think of a way to make him want to do more.[/quote]

Reframe the question. What do you want to do, PP. Take your husband out of the picture. What are the things around the house that matter to you. Do those. Leave everything else to the side. What might happen is that you will stop doing things he really wants taken care of. In which case, he'll do them because you're not going to.

For example, I hate dealing with dry cleaning. The hours are awful, I am always rushed and the bulk of my clothes I don't need to dry clean that often. My husband gets his dress shirts cleaned on a weekly basis. I explained to him that I was only going to the dry cleaner once a month (with my stuff). His dirty shirts piled up, he asked me to go, I told him I didn't need anything cleaned and walked out the door to work. He took his stuff with him and now is keeping track of this. Because it matters to him. Not me.[/quote]

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