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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]There is so much power in stepping back and disentangling yourself, not being in a highly reactive state all the time. It took me two decades of struggle with my partner. [/b]

It was only when I truly, finally understood at a gut level that I can't control others, only myself, that I started to find more peace. This applies even more if your partner has serious issues they are working on.

I am angry, no doubt about it, at injustices in my partnership, in the world, in life. That's the kind of person I am. But it's on me to handle my feelings and reactions to the world around me.

I let go of thinking I could change or control my parther's actions or feelings. I put all my focus into figuring out how to handle myself, into making life more positive for myself and everyone around me, and into communicating and dealing with him in a positive way.

Keep in mind, you have to do this with an understanding of what acceptable limits are on how you are treated and what you accept from others. There's a fine line between being resigned to and accepting others' behaviors and actually enabling others to get away with dumping things on you.

I think women really struggle with these issues with our partners because we get into childrearing mode, where we are always telling our kids what to do, teaching them, molding their behaviors, as it's part of our jobs as parents. NOT parenting our partners or random strangers means we have to make a conscious effort to switch that off.[/quote]

OP here. That is what I realized in a strange way. When I pulled back and took a hard look at myself and what I wanted and focused less on what my husband wants or what I want from my husband, there was a lot more space to really see things clearly. I don't believe ultimatums are a good idea, particularly when you are wrapped up in the resentment haze. There is a bit of clarity I achieved that made me realize that my husband does much more than I was willing to give him credit for and I did not need to tie my emotional happiness to the question of whether he's happy. We have crappy days. But I am only responsible for making myself feel whole and happy. I share that with my husband. And he shares his happiness with me. But I don't think it's a bad thing to stop caring so much about what he thinks or does and focus on what you think and what you want to do.[/quote]

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