Reply to What happens to extroverted, controlling, bossy little girls down the line?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP: thanks for all the feedback. Interesting how some things came up that I never thought were relevant (looks).

My daughter is actually very beautiful and I'm not just saying that as her mom. She's just genetically lucky in that regard and will probably end up to be a stunning adult. But again I am not sure that is relevant.

She is not a bossy jerk. If a child gets hurt on the playground, she is the first to run over to see how she can make them feel better. She really does care about others and can empathize.

[b]I think it's more of an annoying bossiness. "Jane, you use the blue crayon to color Elsa while I color Anna's cape green." If Jane wants Elsa to be red today, that will not be acceptable and dd will not shut up until Jane is coloring Elsas cape in the most perfect frozen esque blue in the crayon box. Or if Jane wants to color her own picture of Cinderella...
Not happening. I've never really seen her get into a showdown with another child because she is so bossy that they all just listen.

At home, she does not run the show, but there are a lot of tears and a lot of screaming matches and dramatics and tantrums. But no- she does not run the show at home.. not for lack of trying though.[/b][/quote]

OP Take a parenting class.[/quote]

I'm a big fan of strong and independent girls.  The ones who are comfortable in their own skin and do their own thing.  Even at age 5.  Even if it's against the grain, and even if it's sometimes annoying or a bit distruptive, within limits.

But that is not what you're describing here, OP.

What you're describing is controlling behavior.  And I get why you're concerned.

It sounds like your DD is overly focused on what other kids are doing.  And she so disturbed by their choices that she's working like crazy to strong-arm them into doing what she wants.

The question is WHY.

Do you know why she does this?

Is it possible that she experiences serious discomfort or even anxiety when things are not exactly the way she envisons/wants/needs them to be?

Does she think she needs to force other people to do things her way so that everything can be "right"?  Why is that?  What does she think will happen if they do it their way?  If they color the dress a different color than it "should" be?  If they do something different than she predicted?  What is it that worries/concerns her here?

I'm no child psychiatrist, but depending on what you think is driving her controlling behavior, you might want to keep your eye on anxiety in the coming years.  Many people -- including kids -- are controlling because they feel tremendous anxiety about mistakes or even unpredictable situations or events.  So they're driven to control everything and everyone, to the extent possible.

You might also want to take a look at the way you and DH are with her as parents.  How often do you correct her for doing something "wrong"?  And how often are those "wrong" things matters of interpretation?  Or really just small things you could have let slide?  Often kids who show overly controlling behavior are just modeling and replicating what they hear at home (or their 5 year old interpretation of it, which is likely more blunt and extreme than their parents' actual words.)

Again, this could all be a whole lot of nothing.  To some degree this is age-appropriate behavior.  Not necessarily typical or even common.  And not particularly fun to be around.  But of course, she's FIVE, not twenty five.  This is what some five year olds do -- both girls and boys.  And most of them continue to mature and grow out of their controlling behavior.  Odds are, your DD will be among them.  Still extroverted, but hopefully more able to channel her personality in a productive way.

P.S.  To some of the PPs:  this is not about "leadership".  I'm all about feminism and strong women in business, politics, our families, communities and the world.  But it's silly to extrapolote or predict the future of a five year old.  The only type of "leadership" you might see at that age is a kid who leads by example -- other kids admire/respect her or him and want to follow his or her lead.  What OP describes is exactly what she called it -- "controlling" and "bossy".  That is not leadership at any age.

But again, that is no[/quote]

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