Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced with no kids. He shares custody and seems like a great involved father, but I haven't met his kids bc we both felt it was best to not get involved in their lives unless we could see getting married. We are now at that point, but before I dive in I want to make sure I understand what life would be like if we ultimately got married. Fwiw is kids are early elementary and we would plan on having a kid together. His ex was not thrilled about the divorce but is not a crazy person - they have an ok relationship

Tell me everything I should know to go in eyes wide open

Run as fast as you can. There will be resentment from kids, ex wife and your life will be HELL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you see nothing, PP, except what you want to believe. It's also clear you do not understand how any of this works very well. My ex and I have a 50/50 cooperative joint parenting relationship. We have vacationed with the kids together. We spend all major holidays together, as well as the kids' sporting events and school events. We even eat lunch together more weeks than not. You do not know anything about why we divorced. We have put the kids at the center of everything we have done. He screwed up once. I hope that's it. He's still in therapy and one of the things he is working on is how he let that situation get so out of hand. But if not, I know I have options - whatever options the kids want me to pursue. They are old enough now that the legal test takes into account their views. I have done nothing but support him and even helped them buy him very expensive birthday presents - whatever they wanted to get him. I always tell them how much we both love them and that Daddy and I love each other, we just can't be married to each other (which is true. He would agree that we both love each other.). There is nothing for the court to see except a mother trying her hardest to do right by her kids. My whole point in this is that it is easy for someone new to make out that I am the witchy ex, but the truth is far different. if OP is stepping into a situation anything like mine, where there are major, major financial commitments and baggage, she should be fully aware of them. I honestly don't see how it would work until the kids are gone away to college. And I said so. Her BF has 50/50 custody. The way the marriage ended is still fresh for that family and the kids are likely to view her with hostility and suspicion. That's just natural even when there hasn't been a history like my kids have had. But, by all means, make me out to be the bad one and tell her it will be all sunshine and roses if you like.

You are projecting your situation the same way everyone else is. You understand that, right? Not everyone's ex will choose to date a person with incredibly inappropriate boundaries. I think that the reason people are taking you to task is that you sound like a bitter uncompromising person who is summarily rejecting the idea that any step-parent situation can work. You have made your feelings and what is and is not appropriate for your family very clear. You will not marry. You will not have anyone move in. Anyone who doesn't like that should vote with their feet before you show them the door. Anyone who disagrees with your assessment for the OP or for their own family is "making you out to be the bad one."

You say you "don't see how it would work until the kids are gone away to college." Fine. For your situation, you don't see that. For my situation, it works fine. My ex and I are both remarried. We share custody 50/50, live a few blocks apart, are on good terms. I'm not BFFs with his wife, he's not BFFs with my husband, but we all get along well enough that when it's DD's birthday, we collaborate on planning and paying for it and we all attend. My ex's wife recently had a baby, and I am sympathetic to the degree to which their finances may be more constrained by a second child. Your attitude seems to be that no matter what, nothing is going to change for your children. I can see why you would be alarmed by the inappropriate boundaries woman, but by your own statement, that only happened once. Why is it still a motivating factor for a really uncompromising hard line - not just for your life but for your beliefs about anyone else's situation?

She can do what she wants imo. Trying to run her ex'es home and who he should or should not date is way beyond inappropriate. I suspect he's allowed it and hopefully at some point he'll 86 her and move on in a healthy way. No they are not family anymore, only the kids with him. Whatever happened in their divorce she is not over it, and apparently it wasn't a good break up. If she were healthy she would tell her children to be nice and accept his new gf. If they aren't crazy about her, then keep it to themselves. I will bet the gf isn't crazy about his kids.

Anonymous wrote:No, you see nothing, PP, except what you want to believe. It's also clear you do not understand how any of this works very well. My ex and I have a 50/50 cooperative joint parenting relationship. We have vacationed with the kids together. We spend all major holidays together, as well as the kids' sporting events and school events. We even eat lunch together more weeks than not. You do not know anything about why we divorced. We have put the kids at the center of everything we have done. He screwed up once. I hope that's it. He's still in therapy and one of the things he is working on is how he let that situation get so out of hand. But if not, I know I have options - whatever options the kids want me to pursue. They are old enough now that the legal test takes into account their views. I have done nothing but support him and even helped them buy him very expensive birthday presents - whatever they wanted to get him. I always tell them how much we both love them and that Daddy and I love each other, we just can't be married to each other (which is true. He would agree that we both love each other.). There is nothing for the court to see except a mother trying her hardest to do right by her kids. My whole point in this is that it is easy for someone new to make out that I am the witchy ex, but the truth is far different. if OP is stepping into a situation anything like mine, where there are major, major financial commitments and baggage, she should be fully aware of them. I honestly don't see how it would work until the kids are gone away to college. And I said so. Her BF has 50/50 custody. The way the marriage ended is still fresh for that family and the kids are likely to view her with hostility and suspicion. That's just natural even when there hasn't been a history like my kids have had. But, by all means, make me out to be the bad one and tell her it will be all sunshine and roses if you like.

You are projecting your situation the same way everyone else is. You understand that, right? Not everyone's ex will choose to date a person with incredibly inappropriate boundaries. I think that the reason people are taking you to task is that you sound like a bitter uncompromising person who is summarily rejecting the idea that any step-parent situation can work. You have made your feelings and what is and is not appropriate for your family very clear. You will not marry. You will not have anyone move in. Anyone who doesn't like that should vote with their feet before you show them the door. Anyone who disagrees with your assessment for the OP or for their own family is "making you out to be the bad one."

You say you "don't see how it would work until the kids are gone away to college." Fine. For your situation, you don't see that. For my situation, it works fine. My ex and I are both remarried. We share custody 50/50, live a few blocks apart, are on good terms. I'm not BFFs with his wife, he's not BFFs with my husband, but we all get along well enough that when it's DD's birthday, we collaborate on planning and paying for it and we all attend. My ex's wife recently had a baby, and I am sympathetic to the degree to which their finances may be more constrained by a second child. Your attitude seems to be that no matter what, nothing is going to change for your children. I can see why you would be alarmed by the inappropriate boundaries woman, but by your own statement, that only happened once. Why is it still a motivating factor for a really uncompromising hard line - not just for your life but for your beliefs about anyone else's situation?

No, you see nothing, PP, except what you want to believe. It's also clear you do not understand how any of this works very well. My ex and I have a 50/50 cooperative joint parenting relationship. We have vacationed with the kids together. We spend all major holidays together, as well as the kids' sporting events and school events. We even eat lunch together more weeks than not. You do not know anything about why we divorced. We have put the kids at the center of everything we have done. He screwed up once. I hope that's it. He's still in therapy and one of the things he is working on is how he let that situation get so out of hand. But if not, I know I have options - whatever options the kids want me to pursue. They are old enough now that the legal test takes into account their views. I have done nothing but support him and even helped them buy him very expensive birthday presents - whatever they wanted to get him. I always tell them how much we both love them and that Daddy and I love each other, we just can't be married to each other (which is true. He would agree that we both love each other.). There is nothing for the court to see except a mother trying her hardest to do right by her kids. My whole point in this is that it is easy for someone new to make out that I am the witchy ex, but the truth is far different. if OP is stepping into a situation anything like mine, where there are major, major financial commitments and baggage, she should be fully aware of them. I honestly don't see how it would work until the kids are gone away to college. And I said so. Her BF has 50/50 custody. The way the marriage ended is still fresh for that family and the kids are likely to view her with hostility and suspicion. That's just natural even when there hasn't been a history like my kids have had. But, by all means, make me out to be the bad one and tell her it will be all sunshine and roses if you like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The money part didn't bother me as much as her bragging about how her kids would be a-holes the new wife because they're even a-holes to the nanny. Not sure she'd find that quite so braggable if they were treating her love interest and possible future spouse like dirt. She seems to think that's admirable for some reason.

If you read my follow up post you would know that my ex inappropriately introduced a gf to my children when they first started dating, and they did not like it. Not one bit. All this love them as your own and you get to parent them, too, stuff will not fly with tweens and teens who are tightly bonded with their mother. Here, OP's dad walked out on the family while the mom was still trying. The kids will have picked up on that even if the mom never said a thing to them (as I haven't). I think 6 months is too soon to introduce someone. I also made clear I hold myself and whomever I may date to the same standards. I will not be asking anyone to move in or get married until the kids leave for college. Their dad is their dad, and NO ONE is going to replace him as their father. Anyone I date will have to deal with that (luckily, the guy I am dating now is in the same boat so we understand each other on this). Sorry, but when you date someone coming out of a 20-25 year marriage, you don't get to pretend that the marriage didn't happen and that there is not an established family unit. My kids are not bratty; the nanny example I gave was to support the statement that they are not confused in any way about who their mother is and will resent anyone who tries to play mom who isn't me. They absolutely will stick up for me and have no patience for adults who try to mess around with them on this. My ex-MIL made that mistake and has paid for it with one of my kids ever since. OP should tread lightly with these kids. They have been through enough.

I think your kids sound rude. Their dad introduced them to someone early, which makes it acceptable for them to be brats to anyone else he introduces? Their bond to you is so tight that it does not allow for them even being nice to anyone else, ever? Step-parents replace biological parents?

In what situations do you believe that it is appropriate for a person to ask for a divorce? Do both people have to agree that it's time, or is it acceptable for one person to be ready to divorce when the other one is "still trying"? How would you personally define "still trying"?

That 20 year marriage is over, it's in the past. Apparently the ex wants to move on and if his kids are brats then he needs to correct them. If they don't like his new gf, then too bad that's on them. If she becomes the wife or move in she will be the other parent in the home so they'd better suck it up.

What's stopping them from making life miserable? Why do they have to suck it up? They can do whatever makes them feel better .

For one they don't get to pick who their dad sees or marries. I'm pretty sure the dad already sees whose really behind their behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The money part didn't bother me as much as her bragging about how her kids would be a-holes the new wife because they're even a-holes to the nanny. Not sure she'd find that quite so braggable if they were treating her love interest and possible future spouse like dirt. She seems to think that's admirable for some reason.

If you read my follow up post you would know that my ex inappropriately introduced a gf to my children when they first started dating, and they did not like it. Not one bit. All this love them as your own and you get to parent them, too, stuff will not fly with tweens and teens who are tightly bonded with their mother. Here, OP's dad walked out on the family while the mom was still trying. The kids will have picked up on that even if the mom never said a thing to them (as I haven't). I think 6 months is too soon to introduce someone. I also made clear I hold myself and whomever I may date to the same standards. I will not be asking anyone to move in or get married until the kids leave for college. Their dad is their dad, and NO ONE is going to replace him as their father. Anyone I date will have to deal with that (luckily, the guy I am dating now is in the same boat so we understand each other on this). Sorry, but when you date someone coming out of a 20-25 year marriage, you don't get to pretend that the marriage didn't happen and that there is not an established family unit. My kids are not bratty; the nanny example I gave was to support the statement that they are not confused in any way about who their mother is and will resent anyone who tries to play mom who isn't me. They absolutely will stick up for me and have no patience for adults who try to mess around with them on this. My ex-MIL made that mistake and has paid for it with one of my kids ever since. OP should tread lightly with these kids. They have been through enough.

I think your kids sound rude. Their dad introduced them to someone early, which makes it acceptable for them to be brats to anyone else he introduces? Their bond to you is so tight that it does not allow for them even being nice to anyone else, ever? Step-parents replace biological parents?

In what situations do you believe that it is appropriate for a person to ask for a divorce? Do both people have to agree that it's time, or is it acceptable for one person to be ready to divorce when the other one is "still trying"? How would you personally define "still trying"?

That 20 year marriage is over, it's in the past. Apparently the ex wants to move on and if his kids are brats then he needs to correct them. If they don't like his new gf, then too bad that's on them. If she becomes the wife or move in she will be the other parent in the home so they'd better suck it up.

What's stopping them from making life miserable? Why do they have to suck it up? They can do whatever makes them feel better .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That 20 year marriage is over, it's in the past. Apparently the ex wants to move on and if his kids are brats then he needs to correct them. If they don't like his new gf, then too bad that's on them. If she becomes the wife or move in she will be the other parent in the home so they'd better suck it up.

They don't have to suck it up. Then we go to court and they tell the judge they don't want to live there anymore and I seek child support. Beginning at age 12, the ocurts listen to the kids.

Well we see why you're divorced. Poor kids, you're the one brainwashing them, you seem to know all about your ex husband because you can't move on. The court would see what you've been doing so talk big, it seems to already have backfired on you.

Anonymous wrote:

That 20 year marriage is over, it's in the past. Apparently the ex wants to move on and if his kids are brats then he needs to correct them. If they don't like his new gf, then too bad that's on them. If she becomes the wife or move in she will be the other parent in the home so they'd better suck it up.

They don't have to suck it up. Then we go to court and they tell the judge they don't want to live there anymore and I seek child support. Beginning at age 12, the ocurts listen to the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The money part didn't bother me as much as her bragging about how her kids would be a-holes the new wife because they're even a-holes to the nanny. Not sure she'd find that quite so braggable if they were treating her love interest and possible future spouse like dirt. She seems to think that's admirable for some reason.

If you read my follow up post you would know that my ex inappropriately introduced a gf to my children when they first started dating, and they did not like it. Not one bit. All this love them as your own and you get to parent them, too, stuff will not fly with tweens and teens who are tightly bonded with their mother. Here, OP's dad walked out on the family while the mom was still trying. The kids will have picked up on that even if the mom never said a thing to them (as I haven't). I think 6 months is too soon to introduce someone. I also made clear I hold myself and whomever I may date to the same standards. I will not be asking anyone to move in or get married until the kids leave for college. Their dad is their dad, and NO ONE is going to replace him as their father. Anyone I date will have to deal with that (luckily, the guy I am dating now is in the same boat so we understand each other on this). Sorry, but when you date someone coming out of a 20-25 year marriage, you don't get to pretend that the marriage didn't happen and that there is not an established family unit. My kids are not bratty; the nanny example I gave was to support the statement that they are not confused in any way about who their mother is and will resent anyone who tries to play mom who isn't me. They absolutely will stick up for me and have no patience for adults who try to mess around with them on this. My ex-MIL made that mistake and has paid for it with one of my kids ever since. OP should tread lightly with these kids. They have been through enough.

I think your kids sound rude. Their dad introduced them to someone early, which makes it acceptable for them to be brats to anyone else he introduces? Their bond to you is so tight that it does not allow for them even being nice to anyone else, ever? Step-parents replace biological parents?

In what situations do you believe that it is appropriate for a person to ask for a divorce? Do both people have to agree that it's time, or is it acceptable for one person to be ready to divorce when the other one is "still trying"? How would you personally define "still trying"?

I am not going to engage with you in a debate about my children, whom you do not know and whom I have been told frequently are beautifully behaved. They do not, however, have to accept someone deciding, within a week of dating my husband, that she is their new mother, he will be the new father of her son, and they are stuck with this. Luckily, my ex broke the relationship off when he realized she was pushing for way too much, too soon (plus he has no interest in being a stepdad to anyone else's kids). My kids just declined to speak to her after awhile; their comments about finding her creepy were made privately to me. Of course any future interactions they have with his girlfriends will be colored by this. How could they not be? Now they will view anyone with suspicion after that fiasco.

You will have to ask the OP what she meant when she said her BF walked out on the family while the wife was still trying. Those were her words, not mine.

My agenda here is looking out for my kids and having their lives negatively impacted as little as possible. Which means anybody new gets zero say in a whole bunch of stuff, like where they go to school and whether they get cars, get to travel, etc. because that is all spelled out in the agreement. You may not like that, but that is the life my kids had pre-split, and it is the life they are leading post-split. I have always worked and pulled my own financial weight, so this is not some horrible unfair drain on my ex. What is unfair is that the kids had to go through any of this at all. Anyone new coming in needs to understand they are walking in to a bunch of history, and I will look out for my kids. If they are treated well and not put in some kind of crazy situation where they are being asked to make me out to be the bad guy, it will be fine. But if someone comes in and says my kids can't go to private school because hers don't, we'll be in court. It is in the agreement. There is an old expression, "Don't poke a sleeping bear." I suggest one really should not poke a sleeping Momma bear. I would lay down my life for those kids, whether you want to think of me as the psycho ex or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The money part didn't bother me as much as her bragging about how her kids would be a-holes the new wife because they're even a-holes to the nanny. Not sure she'd find that quite so braggable if they were treating her love interest and possible future spouse like dirt. She seems to think that's admirable for some reason.

If you read my follow up post you would know that my ex inappropriately introduced a gf to my children when they first started dating, and they did not like it. Not one bit. All this love them as your own and you get to parent them, too, stuff will not fly with tweens and teens who are tightly bonded with their mother. Here, OP's dad walked out on the family while the mom was still trying. The kids will have picked up on that even if the mom never said a thing to them (as I haven't). I think 6 months is too soon to introduce someone. I also made clear I hold myself and whomever I may date to the same standards. I will not be asking anyone to move in or get married until the kids leave for college. Their dad is their dad, and NO ONE is going to replace him as their father. Anyone I date will have to deal with that (luckily, the guy I am dating now is in the same boat so we understand each other on this). Sorry, but when you date someone coming out of a 20-25 year marriage, you don't get to pretend that the marriage didn't happen and that there is not an established family unit. My kids are not bratty; the nanny example I gave was to support the statement that they are not confused in any way about who their mother is and will resent anyone who tries to play mom who isn't me. They absolutely will stick up for me and have no patience for adults who try to mess around with them on this. My ex-MIL made that mistake and has paid for it with one of my kids ever since. OP should tread lightly with these kids. They have been through enough.

I think your kids sound rude. Their dad introduced them to someone early, which makes it acceptable for them to be brats to anyone else he introduces? Their bond to you is so tight that it does not allow for them even being nice to anyone else, ever? Step-parents replace biological parents?

In what situations do you believe that it is appropriate for a person to ask for a divorce? Do both people have to agree that it's time, or is it acceptable for one person to be ready to divorce when the other one is "still trying"? How would you personally define "still trying"?

That 20 year marriage is over, it's in the past. Apparently the ex wants to move on and if his kids are brats then he needs to correct them. If they don't like his new gf, then too bad that's on them. If she becomes the wife or move in she will be the other parent in the home so they'd better suck it up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to make sure you and your partner will be parenting the children together while in your custody. His ex parents with her partner and no one bothers the other or interferes.
I have seen where the ex tries to micro-manage the other home or interferes, so you need to see what the dynamics are and be clear you won't tolerate any of that. The children obey the rules of your home while there, and only you and the father make and enforce those.

The ex is just that, a ex that doesn't need to be a part of your lives. Of course there will be sports, and school functions where everyone needs to be cordial but you don't need to sit with ex etc. As for holidays, follow the court order and I would imagine they are split like most or on and off years. You'll have your own celebrations, ex will have hers and life will go on.

As for vacations you can take the kids when it's their time off, and you can also do your own when they are with the mother.

These are all goods things to know before making that commitment, and to make sure you both are on the same page.

It may not go over well if you take the younger kid on a separate (or nicer) vacation without the older kids.

Also, bear in mind that your life will be ruled by their school and activity schedules. It'll be even worse if they don't go to the same schools (like when the older one starts middle school).

I wouldn't assume that the ex won't be a significant part of your lives. If one of the children develops a serious problem of any sort, it will be all hands on deck for as long as it lasts.

That's ok, the older kids might be going on nicer vacations at moms house. They might have nicer rooms over there, on and on that can go. Kids don't get to rule the roost, and no life won't be ruled by their school or activity schedule.

OP there will be time you and dh will need to visit your family, weddings etc. so that may come before his kids and time will need to be adjusted with their visits. It's called life and dh's responsibility as a married man. Again his kids will have their own lives with mom especially at that age.

Hi Stepmom! It was so, so great to see you on here (kidding

I cannot say how much I disagree with this thinking as someone whose parents both remarried and were very, very selfish. Listen, divorce is hard. I get it. Parenting is hard. I get it as a mom. Marriage is hard. I get it as a wife and widow. Money and time are tight and something's got to give. But if you take an approach where the kids will just need to fall in line and deal with the chaos because that's life, well...I'm just sorry for your kids.

I have a very rigid view when it comes to parenting and dating and I don't even have an ex to deal with. Right now, my priority is raising my kids and supporting them through a difficult childhood of their own choosing. And honestly talking to my friends who are all single moms with their heads on right, we all kind of feel the same way.

Do I see myself remarried someday? For me, it's honestly not going to happen. I will never, ever intertwine my life with another person in the same way. Can I see how someone would want to do this and try to make certain their kids handled the transition well. Definitely! I was just in a wedding last summer and it was the nicest thing. But here's the thing -- kids absolutely come first. They were here first and as a parent your main obligation is the health, welfare, and safety of your kids. If I was dating someone who had the mentality that they should come first, they would be sorely disappointment. Step parents need to know their place (which is an extremely frustrating one and one I wouldn't go running toward but to each their own).

Of course kids always want to come first. They want the latest toy, PS game, iphone, etc. Guess what step child (kidding)...they don't always get to come first and that's how it works.
Yes it can be frustrating but kids need to know their place and that's done by the adults who are watching them.

PP here. There is a fundamental difference between what you just wrote and what I am trying to explain. When it comes to the big things, most importantly time and money, kids will trump the step parent. It is a horrifically shitty thing to liquidate a child's college fund to fund a new house for example (ahem, DAD). But I'm not even talking in those extremes. I am talking through time commitments and energy and really money because yes, it's not just toys. Sports are expensive. Tutoring is expensive. Camps. Just keeping them fed and alive. All of that is going to come first.

Now, I am doing this alone, so my perspective is different in the sense that I don't get a visitation weekend or split time, but I really, really find it difficult for anyone to have any expectation that they would not necessarily need to curtail their life and needs in response to the demands of children as a step parent. That's just the deal if you are with someone who values being a parent. You are going to have to swallow your pride and deal with the trade offs of parenting without actually being a parent. It's a difficult selfless thing and for the people who I've seen it work with, they go in wide, wide open. They know the demands in terms of money, time, etc. They are flexible about holidays and vacations. They open their homes to their step children because it's their father's home. It's difficult stuff and from my experience as an adult, I don't have a deep relationship with either of my parents because they married people who wanted to pretend as though the children were just mistakes. My step mother actually had more kids with my father, clearly favors her kids (for example my place to sleep when I visited? A pull out. Her kids? Three single bedrooms. I went there every other weekend and for a month during the summer, which sucked, particularly as a teenage girl).

Anyway, TL DR kids come first. Choose differently at your own peril.

After 6 mo it's quite reasonable to introduce her especially since it seems to be getting quite serious.

An ex doesn't get a say as to when the kids should be introduced. Apparently OP and the father felt it was about time. You can do all the right things and the kids may or may not like the new step parent. Of course the step parent may not like the kids, or down the road the relationship could change for the better or worse. Doesn't matter because kids don't get to pick their parents spouse...just like the parent doesn't get to pick their kids spouse someday. Everyone needs to be cordial and respect each other's boundaries, that's the big one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The money part didn't bother me as much as her bragging about how her kids would be a-holes the new wife because they're even a-holes to the nanny. Not sure she'd find that quite so braggable if they were treating her love interest and possible future spouse like dirt. She seems to think that's admirable for some reason.

If you read my follow up post you would know that my ex inappropriately introduced a gf to my children when they first started dating, and they did not like it. Not one bit. All this love them as your own and you get to parent them, too, stuff will not fly with tweens and teens who are tightly bonded with their mother. Here, OP's dad walked out on the family while the mom was still trying. The kids will have picked up on that even if the mom never said a thing to them (as I haven't). I think 6 months is too soon to introduce someone. I also made clear I hold myself and whomever I may date to the same standards. I will not be asking anyone to move in or get married until the kids leave for college. Their dad is their dad, and NO ONE is going to replace him as their father. Anyone I date will have to deal with that (luckily, the guy I am dating now is in the same boat so we understand each other on this). Sorry, but when you date someone coming out of a 20-25 year marriage, you don't get to pretend that the marriage didn't happen and that there is not an established family unit. My kids are not bratty; the nanny example I gave was to support the statement that they are not confused in any way about who their mother is and will resent anyone who tries to play mom who isn't me. They absolutely will stick up for me and have no patience for adults who try to mess around with them on this. My ex-MIL made that mistake and has paid for it with one of my kids ever since. OP should tread lightly with these kids. They have been through enough.

I think your kids sound rude. Their dad introduced them to someone early, which makes it acceptable for them to be brats to anyone else he introduces? Their bond to you is so tight that it does not allow for them even being nice to anyone else, ever? Step-parents replace biological parents?

In what situations do you believe that it is appropriate for a person to ask for a divorce? Do both people have to agree that it's time, or is it acceptable for one person to be ready to divorce when the other one is "still trying"? How would you personally define "still trying"?

Anonymous wrote:The money part didn't bother me as much as her bragging about how her kids would be a-holes the new wife because they're even a-holes to the nanny. Not sure she'd find that quite so braggable if they were treating her love interest and possible future spouse like dirt. She seems to think that's admirable for some reason.

If you read my follow up post you would know that my ex inappropriately introduced a gf to my children when they first started dating, and they did not like it. Not one bit. All this love them as your own and you get to parent them, too, stuff will not fly with tweens and teens who are tightly bonded with their mother. Here, OP's dad walked out on the family while the mom was still trying. The kids will have picked up on that even if the mom never said a thing to them (as I haven't). I think 6 months is too soon to introduce someone. I also made clear I hold myself and whomever I may date to the same standards. I will not be asking anyone to move in or get married until the kids leave for college. Their dad is their dad, and NO ONE is going to replace him as their father. Anyone I date will have to deal with that (luckily, the guy I am dating now is in the same boat so we understand each other on this). Sorry, but when you date someone coming out of a 20-25 year marriage, you don't get to pretend that the marriage didn't happen and that there is not an established family unit. My kids are not bratty; the nanny example I gave was to support the statement that they are not confused in any way about who their mother is and will resent anyone who tries to play mom who isn't me. They absolutely will stick up for me and have no patience for adults who try to mess around with them on this. My ex-MIL made that mistake and has paid for it with one of my kids ever since. OP should tread lightly with these kids. They have been through enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now

Get off dcum. Dcum is very traditional in the sense that marriage must work no matter what and if it doesn't, you both are going to hell and shouldn't have a life after. I met my husband as a single mother. We dated for 3 months, introduced the child, then engaged at 6 months, married 6 months later, had three more kids together. Our family is more than what I can ask for. He treats my child very well. Make sure to be open and honest. Ask questions. It may be hard to talk about but speak about finances, your role, having more kids, etc.

Did your husband have children from a previous marriage? I guess not, because I can guarantee you'd be singing a different tune. We can get blue in the face talking about equality, but a man with children (regardless of the custody situation) and a woman with children are two very, very different beasts for a million reasons I'm too lazy to get into. This has nothing to do with DCUM being "traditional" or whatever. Blame biology, society, whatever you want: a divorced woman with a child is far more marketable than a divorced guy with two kids, sharing custody. It is just the way it is, might as well accept it. I'm glad it worked out for you. Now picture the three children you have are not yours, but another woman's. Big, big difference

Oh yeah, single moms are a super hot commodity. Huh?

No more or less than single dads. With the divorce rate there's no shortage of them hooking up and re-marriage.