Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update.

First, thank you PP who recommended "Yes, your Teen is Crazy!"---I know the brain development stuff so I just cut to Part 2, "Understanding your Role and Accepting Your Challenge." Great stuff and I'm reading it now.

Love the part about mourning the death of your sweet kind little kid. So true.

Anyways, folks, after my last post, things really calmed down and she apologized and I saw a glimmer of my old kid there.

I had called my pediatrician and (she was out for a family emergency) and by the time she got back to me it felt like old news. However; I relayed my story anyways and asked if we needed family counseling, and she said this was well within the realm of normal 13 y.o. behavior. She gave me some great advice. Part of that advice was to bring her in for a checkup, where the pede gives the "teen lecture" about how independence is earned.

I think the biggest takeaway is to not get into verbal or a physical struggle with a teen. So for example: If I say "No TV" and she says "I'm watching TV" then my old self would feel compelled to stop her because I had drawn a line in the sand.

But the idea is to NOT grab the remote or get into a verbal war, but say instead, "I said no TV. If you watch TV then ____"(insert consequence in here; no friend over, no clothes shopping this weekend, whatever) and walk away. That's different than what I have been doing.

The book also talks about how the teen's brain wants stimulation, so getting into a verbal fight actually reinforces the teen to get into MORE verbal fights because it stimulates their brain. It says, the best is when you are in a rage, face red and screaming at them--lots of verbal stimulation! It's all about walking away--not letting their bad behavior get reinforced by your emotional reaction.

Anyhow, I appreciate the helpful responses on here, and the sympathetic responses too!

Anonymous wrote:OP if you were working, your daughter would mouth off about how you are working and never home when she needs/wants something.

Teenagers are just crappy at times!

And they WILL find something to push your buttons and hurt you.

Anonymous wrote:I really do not understand how I've raised such a b***h Princess 13 y.o. DD. I have always had boundaries, rules, consequences, etc. etc. She is so horrible right now, I am not kidding if I could get out of here and leave her with DH I would, but for my younger, sweet DD. This older DD has always, always vied for Alpha status and been self-centered and not the best at empathy, and now that she's a teen, it's risen to a whole other level.

This is the latest. She got up from dinner to start studying. I reminded her to bus her plate.
"No, mom, you do it, I have to study!"
I said, "look, honey, you still need to bus your plate.
[i]"MOM, you are WASTING my time, just DO IT for me!"
I said, "You need to do it; I am not the maid!" and she said,

"Well, actually, mom, you ARE. I could see if you had a job, but you don't. So you basically ARE our maid."

I told her, "My job is not to be the maid. My job is to raise kids who are not PIGS!"

So, yes, there have been consequences for this behavior and a discussion about this, culminating in me saying, "I would rather you fail out of school than be of poor moral character. The world doesn't need another smart, straight-A asshole!"

However; a couple days later, I forgot that DD had two basketball games in the same week, so did not have her uniform washed for the second game. She was furious and said, "oh great, now I have to wear a dirty uniform because SOMEONE was LOUNGING around instead of washing my clothes!"

YES, DCUM, she received big consequences for this mouthing off. Also I had much consternation because this was one of my concerns when becoming a SAHM; that my kids would not respect what I do (and the sacrifice I made with my career to do it--and to get that damn career, I needed a lot of education--it was a career I aspired to and worked for for many years). Btw we couldn't do it any other way because my career involved travel and was a thing I couldn't do part time, and DH's hours are super-long. Basically I either became a SAHM or we would have to have a nanny raise them.

You would laugh because the next day, I applied to volunteer at a local museum (I'd been contemplating it anyways) and that night I told her, "I applied for a job. I don't think it's good for me to be seen as just the maid." Anyways as an aside, I'm really looking forward to my "job" and I'm not going to mention that it's "just volunteer"!

My post is not asking how to handle this. My post is really a lament, and a plea to know if this is some stage, and if anyone has gone through this and came out of it intact. Basically, it's a pity-party by me, and any words of encouragement would be helpful.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, I did not call her a pig. I said my job was to make sure I did not raise a pig.

I also was referring to behavior when I made the ass*ole remark. But anyways, DH privately got all over me for that.

Not my best moments, I agree.

Bottom line, re PPs focusing on that, I already *know* that engaging with her or getting all worked up is not good modeling. I keep asking for how to handle being strategic in the moment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't this âge yet but the book 123 Magic addresses older kids in the last chapters. Two things he recommends are natural consequences and bartering.
Natural consequences means that if she wants to watch TV instead of preparing for basketball practice then she will be late and have to deal with her coach.
Bartering means that if she doesn't want to clear her plate, that's fine but you will charge $10 to do it for her. She can decide whether to pay the fee or do it herself. This works if she has spending money or an allowance and if you have no qualms about getting paid.

I have neither the time nor the interest to deal with this bullshit.

NP. How is the bolded bullshit? That's been pretty much our approach on most things. You choose your action, you choose the consequences, but your actions don't get to create a crisis -- practical or emotional -- for anyone else. 4 kids, 22, 20, 12, and 3. The 3 year old isn't generally ready for this approach yet, but it works or worked reasonably for the older kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know a lot of parents of older teens but I'm starting to wonder if 13 is actually the most hellish year for dealing with behavior, at least with respect to girls.

I have ushered three kids through and past the age of 13, and, you are right, 13 is pretty much the worst. It does get better, even more so after 15.

I wish lots of strength and courage and patience to those of you still in the trenches of dealing with 13 year olds. You'll get through it!

OP here. Wow it just is never-ending. DH and younger DD are gone this morning, and the Princess gets up and goes to watch TV. I say after she gets ready for basketball, and she says, "NO, I'm watching TV." I took the remote, and calmly said, "you can watch after you are dressed".

I swear, here is where some parents who would say, "just take the remote/make her shovel snow" don't get it. She got up and started fighting me for the remote. She's bigger now than I am. I walked out of the room with it, and she found another remote. I said, calmly, "you are not watching TV" and she said, "YES I AM!" And I said "I will tell your dean about this when explaining why I'm pulling you from your school," (she's at a very challenging and prestigious school this year, but was at a nearby school and could go back there--I have voiced concerns that this school might be great academically but not as good as the nearby school in instilling the moral compass).

Anyways I remained calm and did manage to hide all remotes, and she ended up calling DH and crying about how mean I was (and he backed me--couldn't hear it all but really good stuff.)

I know I must "drop the rope" if only for the fact that she will soon be stronger than me. But tell me, if I say no TV and she says "I AM WATCHING TV", if I then "drop the rope" and let her watch TV, how does that do anything but show her I'm a paper tiger?

I guess I should say "you watch now, and you will not watch again for a week"? I guess that's the answer rather than fighting with her over the remote. Yikes it's hard to think when you are in the moment--it took me writing this post to think of that seemingly obvious alternative. My arm is shaking as I type. It is really hard to be strategic in the moment.

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?