Reply to Do you tell the wife that her wonderful husband cheated on her for two years?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Some of you are hell bent on imposing a "would I want to know?" standard.  I suspect that many of you saying that have never been in this situation.  Although that standard is legitimate, I am just not sure that should be the basis on which you tell someone else. Imputing AND imposing your sensibilties on others is a dangerous thing.  My 1st husband cheated on me.  I suspected some things and after some serious soul searching, I decided to take steps to get the information to confirm it.  But that was MY power to make that decison.  It was not some bombshell that someone dropped in my lap and walked away.  During the thought process involved in making my decision, I was able to think about "what if's" and different solutions.  By the time my suspicions were confirmed, I had a game plan in place.  If some friend had told me, I would NOT have reacted well to that friend.  Because as one PP said, you have now made it so I HAVE to do something and a lot of that will be driven by the fact that, in my mind, other people know.  So I may feel forced to make decisions to save face when those choices may not be in my best interest.

I guess my point is that if you decide to tell, do not automatically assume that you are doing the DW a favor. And do not expect her to be appreciative of waht you have done. Depenind on your relationship to her, that relationship will likely be over.  Tell if you must, but be prepared.  There will be backlash. [/quote]

So you would rather for a friend not to tell you and let the affair go on and have more and more people find out about it.  Have them whispering and tsk, tsking about it behind your clueless back?

If your dh was being discrete about it, this friend wouldn't know about it.  And if this friend knows about it - other people do to.  The only one who doesn't know about YOUR business is YOU.[/quote]

PP here.

No...TBH, as someone who was cheated on, I AM thankful that if someone did know, they did not tell me.  Because I was able to make decisions at my own pace without the pressure of saving face. Like I said, I found out on my own, so I was not clueless.  And if someone had told me, I would not have hailed that person as a hero.  Sure, it is an emotional response, but it an emotional issue which is what I (and others) are trying to say.

You are expectiong people to think rationally and handle the info rationally.  That is a mistake. [/quote]

I totally get the whole range of emotion.  But this idea that women would prefer to be kept in the dark while people whisper behind their back and gaslight them....that just seems so...abusive.  And what a terrible secret for a friend to have to keep to themselves.  If some random stranger or the OW said something instead you would still have the luxury of piecing things together and choosing whether or not to verify the info.  You could choose not to believe them.[/quote]

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