Anonymous wrote:I think the person who takes it upon themselves to tell someone this needs to prepare themselves (like, brace for impact prepare yourself) for the blowback that will be immediate. It doesn't mean the person will think you're crazy, or lying, but they WILL NOT be happy you told them, and they will not be in the right frame of mind to be gracious, thankful, "I know you meant well" about it. So I think if you want to play God here, you need to be fully prepared for whatever might happen the second those words leave your mouth.

My husband could theoretically be a cheating dog. The woman who takes it upon herself to sidle up to me and whisper that in my ear, with backup information and details, is not going to get the best reaction out of me. Because my first instinct would be to protect my family and myself. And that would include shutting down any possibility of her thinking it's okay to repeat it, even continue to think about it. In no way do I want someone's pity or watchful eye on me as I now process the shit she decided to dump in my lap.

So, saddle up if you want but don't be surprised if the reaction you get is extreme and unpleasant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take a different view. I would want to know, pure and simple. It would be most helpful to be told in a symbol, matter of fact way, and to have the option of asking details or not. Perhaps an email stating the very, very basic facts, letting the wife know you will not contact her again or tell anyone else about it, but that she may feel free to contact you if she would like further details or to discuss. Let the wife decide if she believes you, if she wants to know more, or if she does not want to engage at all. Then stick to it. Do not contact her again. At all. That, in my view, would be helpful. She can choose to ignore you, or believe you are not telling the truth, if she wishes. And she has no reason to believe anyone in her community knows anything about the situation.

I have had a good friend decide to move abroad with her husband, leaving her social network and family here in DC. Only to then find out that her husband is a serial cheater, and kept doing so in their new community. So, my friend had to deal with realizing this in a new place, without social or family support, and having just made very significant financial decisions with her husband that were hard to come back from. And then she found out that two of her friends already knew he had been cheating for years. Yes, there is something for allowing people to live in denial if they wish to do so, and to have privacy about the nature of their marriage, whether it is on the rocks, an open marriage, or otherwise. The impact that a manipulative, cheating spouse can have on an unsuspecting partner, though, is tremendous. It is not to be underestimated.

You never know when someone is about to make a significant life choice, whether having an additional child, buying a new home, changing jobs or location in reliance on a spouses Fidelity, or just deciding to pay for private school because, as a married couple, you can afford it. Unwinding these decisions can be terribly hard. While I might not feel comfortable around the person who told me, perhaps ever do to the personal nature of the information, I would be thankful that someone informed me. Denial can be a beautiful thing, but I am a responsible adult who needs to make sure I am making sound personal, family and financial decisions.

So, I suggest letting the wife know as simply as possible and then leaving it to her whether to seek details. And to be clear you will not breathe a word about any of it to anyone else.

And that is fine for you and others that feel that way. No criticism or judgment here. All I am saying is that looking back in my own situation, I would not have been able to emotionally handle such a bombshell. I likely would have lashed out and not in a good way.

There is no guarantee that you will have the luxury of this slow unwinding of the details and this fact finding on your own terms. When something like this is happening in your life the stuff can hit the fan at any time and without warning and sometimes in deliberately unkind and humiliating ways. You don't know how someone is going to get blindsided by the truth, you don't have any control over their reaction. The truth is the truth whether it sucks or not. It is your reality. It's only a bombshell because it IS about you, your life, your marriage. It does affect you whether you know the details or not. Might as well know the details.

I AM aware. I went through it!! I hate to be snarky, but you are lecturing someone who has lived through a cheating spouse. I am simply giving you another perspective. I have the benefit of understanding 100% how a woman would feel discovering that and, yes, that would impact my decision to tell someone about their spouse. Hypotheitcal: Would you tell someone if you had a strong feeling that they would harm themselves, the spouse or the AP? Would you tell someone that you knew would fly off the deep end emotionally? All I am saying is that this an emotional, highly charged issue that involves real people. I just do not think the "right" to tell her is absolute and always the best thing to do.

That being said, I do not begrudge anyone who feels differently. IMO, our differeing opinions illustrate just how complicated this issue can be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take a different view. I would want to know, pure and simple. It would be most helpful to be told in a symbol, matter of fact way, and to have the option of asking details or not. Perhaps an email stating the very, very basic facts, letting the wife know you will not contact her again or tell anyone else about it, but that she may feel free to contact you if she would like further details or to discuss. Let the wife decide if she believes you, if she wants to know more, or if she does not want to engage at all. Then stick to it. Do not contact her again. At all. That, in my view, would be helpful. She can choose to ignore you, or believe you are not telling the truth, if she wishes. And she has no reason to believe anyone in her community knows anything about the situation.

I have had a good friend decide to move abroad with her husband, leaving her social network and family here in DC. Only to then find out that her husband is a serial cheater, and kept doing so in their new community. So, my friend had to deal with realizing this in a new place, without social or family support, and having just made very significant financial decisions with her husband that were hard to come back from. And then she found out that two of her friends already knew he had been cheating for years. Yes, there is something for allowing people to live in denial if they wish to do so, and to have privacy about the nature of their marriage, whether it is on the rocks, an open marriage, or otherwise. The impact that a manipulative, cheating spouse can have on an unsuspecting partner, though, is tremendous. It is not to be underestimated.

You never know when someone is about to make a significant life choice, whether having an additional child, buying a new home, changing jobs or location in reliance on a spouses Fidelity, or just deciding to pay for private school because, as a married couple, you can afford it. Unwinding these decisions can be terribly hard. While I might not feel comfortable around the person who told me, perhaps ever do to the personal nature of the information, I would be thankful that someone informed me. Denial can be a beautiful thing, but I am a responsible adult who needs to make sure I am making sound personal, family and financial decisions.

So, I suggest letting the wife know as simply as possible and then leaving it to her whether to seek details. And to be clear you will not breathe a word about any of it to anyone else.

And that is fine for you and others that feel that way. No criticism or judgment here. All I am saying is that looking back in my own situation, I would not have been able to emotionally handle such a bombshell. I likely would have lashed out and not in a good way.

There is no guarantee that you will have the luxury of this slow unwinding of the details and this fact finding on your own terms. When something like this is happening in your life the stuff can hit the fan at any time and without warning and sometimes in deliberately unkind and humiliating ways. You don't know how someone is going to get blindsided by the truth, you don't have any control over their reaction. The truth is the truth whether it sucks or not. It is your reality. It's only a bombshell because it IS about you, your life, your marriage. It does affect you whether you know the details or not. Might as well know the details.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take a different view. I would want to know, pure and simple. It would be most helpful to be told in a symbol, matter of fact way, and to have the option of asking details or not. Perhaps an email stating the very, very basic facts, letting the wife know you will not contact her again or tell anyone else about it, but that she may feel free to contact you if she would like further details or to discuss. Let the wife decide if she believes you, if she wants to know more, or if she does not want to engage at all. Then stick to it. Do not contact her again. At all. That, in my view, would be helpful. She can choose to ignore you, or believe you are not telling the truth, if she wishes. And she has no reason to believe anyone in her community knows anything about the situation.

I have had a good friend decide to move abroad with her husband, leaving her social network and family here in DC. Only to then find out that her husband is a serial cheater, and kept doing so in their new community. So, my friend had to deal with realizing this in a new place, without social or family support, and having just made very significant financial decisions with her husband that were hard to come back from. And then she found out that two of her friends already knew he had been cheating for years. Yes, there is something for allowing people to live in denial if they wish to do so, and to have privacy about the nature of their marriage, whether it is on the rocks, an open marriage, or otherwise. The impact that a manipulative, cheating spouse can have on an unsuspecting partner, though, is tremendous. It is not to be underestimated.

You never know when someone is about to make a significant life choice, whether having an additional child, buying a new home, changing jobs or location in reliance on a spouses Fidelity, or just deciding to pay for private school because, as a married couple, you can afford it. Unwinding these decisions can be terribly hard. While I might not feel comfortable around the person who told me, perhaps ever do to the personal nature of the information, I would be thankful that someone informed me. Denial can be a beautiful thing, but I am a responsible adult who needs to make sure I am making sound personal, family and financial decisions.

So, I suggest letting the wife know as simply as possible and then leaving it to her whether to seek details. And to be clear you will not breathe a word about any of it to anyone else.

And that is fine for you and others that feel that way. No criticism or judgment here. All I am saying is that looking back in my own situation, I would not have been able to emotionally handle such a bombshell. I likely would have lashed out and not in a good way.

There is no guarantee that you will have the luxury of this slow unwinding of the details and this fact finding on your own terms. When something like this is happening in your life the stuff can hit the fan at any time and without warning and sometimes in deliberately unkind and humiliating ways. You don't know how someone is going to get blindsided by the truth, you don't have any control over their reaction. The truth is the truth whether it sucks or not. It is your reality. It's only a bombshell because it IS about you, your life, your marriage. It does affect you whether you know the details or not. Might as well know the details.

You are seriously harping on this. I would love to see how "truth is truth, love it or leave it" the average Tuesday someone deposits some shitty life-changing truth in your face.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take a different view. I would want to know, pure and simple. It would be most helpful to be told in a symbol, matter of fact way, and to have the option of asking details or not. Perhaps an email stating the very, very basic facts, letting the wife know you will not contact her again or tell anyone else about it, but that she may feel free to contact you if she would like further details or to discuss. Let the wife decide if she believes you, if she wants to know more, or if she does not want to engage at all. Then stick to it. Do not contact her again. At all. That, in my view, would be helpful. She can choose to ignore you, or believe you are not telling the truth, if she wishes. And she has no reason to believe anyone in her community knows anything about the situation.

I have had a good friend decide to move abroad with her husband, leaving her social network and family here in DC. Only to then find out that her husband is a serial cheater, and kept doing so in their new community. So, my friend had to deal with realizing this in a new place, without social or family support, and having just made very significant financial decisions with her husband that were hard to come back from. And then she found out that two of her friends already knew he had been cheating for years. Yes, there is something for allowing people to live in denial if they wish to do so, and to have privacy about the nature of their marriage, whether it is on the rocks, an open marriage, or otherwise. The impact that a manipulative, cheating spouse can have on an unsuspecting partner, though, is tremendous. It is not to be underestimated.

You never know when someone is about to make a significant life choice, whether having an additional child, buying a new home, changing jobs or location in reliance on a spouses Fidelity, or just deciding to pay for private school because, as a married couple, you can afford it. Unwinding these decisions can be terribly hard. While I might not feel comfortable around the person who told me, perhaps ever do to the personal nature of the information, I would be thankful that someone informed me. Denial can be a beautiful thing, but I am a responsible adult who needs to make sure I am making sound personal, family and financial decisions.

So, I suggest letting the wife know as simply as possible and then leaving it to her whether to seek details. And to be clear you will not breathe a word about any of it to anyone else.

And that is fine for you and others that feel that way. No criticism or judgment here. All I am saying is that looking back in my own situation, I would not have been able to emotionally handle such a bombshell. I likely would have lashed out and not in a good way.

There is no guarantee that you will have the luxury of this slow unwinding of the details and this fact finding on your own terms. When something like this is happening in your life the stuff can hit the fan at any time and without warning and sometimes in deliberately unkind and humiliating ways. You don't know how someone is going to get blindsided by the truth, you don't have any control over their reaction. The truth is the truth whether it sucks or not. It is your reality. It's only a bombshell because it IS about you, your life, your marriage. It does affect you whether you know the details or not. Might as well know the details.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take a different view. I would want to know, pure and simple. It would be most helpful to be told in a symbol, matter of fact way, and to have the option of asking details or not. Perhaps an email stating the very, very basic facts, letting the wife know you will not contact her again or tell anyone else about it, but that she may feel free to contact you if she would like further details or to discuss. Let the wife decide if she believes you, if she wants to know more, or if she does not want to engage at all. Then stick to it. Do not contact her again. At all. That, in my view, would be helpful. She can choose to ignore you, or believe you are not telling the truth, if she wishes. And she has no reason to believe anyone in her community knows anything about the situation.

I have had a good friend decide to move abroad with her husband, leaving her social network and family here in DC. Only to then find out that her husband is a serial cheater, and kept doing so in their new community. So, my friend had to deal with realizing this in a new place, without social or family support, and having just made very significant financial decisions with her husband that were hard to come back from. And then she found out that two of her friends already knew he had been cheating for years. Yes, there is something for allowing people to live in denial if they wish to do so, and to have privacy about the nature of their marriage, whether it is on the rocks, an open marriage, or otherwise. The impact that a manipulative, cheating spouse can have on an unsuspecting partner, though, is tremendous. It is not to be underestimated.

You never know when someone is about to make a significant life choice, whether having an additional child, buying a new home, changing jobs or location in reliance on a spouses Fidelity, or just deciding to pay for private school because, as a married couple, you can afford it. Unwinding these decisions can be terribly hard. While I might not feel comfortable around the person who told me, perhaps ever do to the personal nature of the information, I would be thankful that someone informed me. Denial can be a beautiful thing, but I am a responsible adult who needs to make sure I am making sound personal, family and financial decisions.

So, I suggest letting the wife know as simply as possible and then leaving it to her whether to seek details. And to be clear you will not breathe a word about any of it to anyone else.

And that is fine for you and others that feel that way. No criticism or judgment here. All I am saying is that looking back in my own situation, I would not have been able to emotionally handle such a bombshell. I likely would have lashed out and not in a good way.

Anonymous wrote:I take a different view. I would want to know, pure and simple. It would be most helpful to be told in a symbol, matter of fact way, and to have the option of asking details or not. Perhaps an email stating the very, very basic facts, letting the wife know you will not contact her again or tell anyone else about it, but that she may feel free to contact you if she would like further details or to discuss. Let the wife decide if she believes you, if she wants to know more, or if she does not want to engage at all. Then stick to it. Do not contact her again. At all. That, in my view, would be helpful. She can choose to ignore you, or believe you are not telling the truth, if she wishes. And she has no reason to believe anyone in her community knows anything about the situation.

I have had a good friend decide to move abroad with her husband, leaving her social network and family here in DC. Only to then find out that her husband is a serial cheater, and kept doing so in their new community. So, my friend had to deal with realizing this in a new place, without social or family support, and having just made very significant financial decisions with her husband that were hard to come back from. And then she found out that two of her friends already knew he had been cheating for years. Yes, there is something for allowing people to live in denial if they wish to do so, and to have privacy about the nature of their marriage, whether it is on the rocks, an open marriage, or otherwise. The impact that a manipulative, cheating spouse can have on an unsuspecting partner, though, is tremendous. It is not to be underestimated.

You never know when someone is about to make a significant life choice, whether having an additional child, buying a new home, changing jobs or location in reliance on a spouses Fidelity, or just deciding to pay for private school because, as a married couple, you can afford it. Unwinding these decisions can be terribly hard. While I might not feel comfortable around the person who told me, perhaps ever do to the personal nature of the information, I would be thankful that someone informed me. Denial can be a beautiful thing, but I am a responsible adult who needs to make sure I am making sound personal, family and financial decisions.

So, I suggest letting the wife know as simply as possible and then leaving it to her whether to seek details. And to be clear you will not breathe a word about any of it to anyone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are hell bent on imposing a "would I want to know?" standard. I suspect that many of you saying that have never been in this situation. Although that standard is legitimate, I am just not sure that should be the basis on which you tell someone else. Imputing AND imposing your sensibilties on others is a dangerous thing. My 1st husband cheated on me. I suspected some things and after some serious soul searching, I decided to take steps to get the information to confirm it. But that was MY power to make that decison. It was not some bombshell that someone dropped in my lap and walked away. During the thought process involved in making my decision, I was able to think about "what if's" and different solutions. By the time my suspicions were confirmed, I had a game plan in place. If some friend had told me, I would NOT have reacted well to that friend. Because as one PP said, you have now made it so I HAVE to do something and a lot of that will be driven by the fact that, in my mind, other people know. So I may feel forced to make decisions to save face when those choices may not be in my best interest.

I guess my point is that if you decide to tell, do not automatically assume that you are doing the DW a favor. And do not expect her to be appreciative of waht you have done. Depenind on your relationship to her, that relationship will likely be over. Tell if you must, but be prepared. There will be backlash.

So you would rather for a friend not to tell you and let the affair go on and have more and more people find out about it. Have them whispering and tsk, tsking about it behind your clueless back?

If your dh was being discrete about it, this friend wouldn't know about it. And if this friend knows about it - other people do to. The only one who doesn't know about YOUR business is YOU.

PP here.

No...TBH, as someone who was cheated on, I AM thankful that if someone did know, they did not tell me. Because I was able to make decisions at my own pace without the pressure of saving face. Like I said, I found out on my own, so I was not clueless. And if someone had told me, I would not have hailed that person as a hero. Sure, it is an emotional response, but it an emotional issue which is what I (and others) are trying to say.

You are expectiong people to think rationally and handle the info rationally. That is a mistake.

I totally get the whole range of emotion. But this idea that women would prefer to be kept in the dark while people whisper behind their back and gaslight them....that just seems so...abusive. And what a terrible secret for a friend to have to keep to themselves. If some random stranger or the OW said something instead you would still have the luxury of piecing things together and choosing whether or not to verify the info. You could choose not to believe them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are hell bent on imposing a "would I want to know?" standard. I suspect that many of you saying that have never been in this situation. Although that standard is legitimate, I am just not sure that should be the basis on which you tell someone else. Imputing AND imposing your sensibilties on others is a dangerous thing. My 1st husband cheated on me. I suspected some things and after some serious soul searching, I decided to take steps to get the information to confirm it. But that was MY power to make that decison. It was not some bombshell that someone dropped in my lap and walked away. During the thought process involved in making my decision, I was able to think about "what if's" and different solutions. By the time my suspicions were confirmed, I had a game plan in place. If some friend had told me, I would NOT have reacted well to that friend. Because as one PP said, you have now made it so I HAVE to do something and a lot of that will be driven by the fact that, in my mind, other people know. So I may feel forced to make decisions to save face when those choices may not be in my best interest.

I guess my point is that if you decide to tell, do not automatically assume that you are doing the DW a favor. And do not expect her to be appreciative of waht you have done. Depenind on your relationship to her, that relationship will likely be over. Tell if you must, but be prepared. There will be backlash.

So you would rather for a friend not to tell you and let the affair go on and have more and more people find out about it. Have them whispering and tsk, tsking about it behind your clueless back?

If your dh was being discrete about it, this friend wouldn't know about it. And if this friend knows about it - other people do to. The only one who doesn't know about YOUR business is YOU.

PP here.

No...TBH, as someone who was cheated on, I AM thankful that if someone did know, they did not tell me. Because I was able to make decisions at my own pace without the pressure of saving face. Like I said, I found out on my own, so I was not clueless. And if someone had told me, I would not have hailed that person as a hero. Sure, it is an emotional response, but it an emotional issue which is what I (and others) are trying to say.

You are expectiong people to think rationally and handle the info rationally. That is a mistake.