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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If i was the parent of one of the other two girls I would be encouraging them to step back from their friendship with OP's daughter.

I would be fine with them being brought home early and being told that they had done something that had upset their friend. I would absolutely talk to my daughter about the importance of considering how other people might feel about something they think it funny, and of the vulnerability of doing something to someone thinking. I think there are a lot of teachable moments and opportunities for learning in a situation like this.

I would find the 3 am email, the early morning confrontation that assumed their intentions were cruel and bullying (and not asking them their reasoning first, and the inability of their friend to cope with this as [b]big red flags that this is a friendship that is likely going to be more problems than fun[/b].  I would talk to my own daughter about how everyone is different and that some people are much , much more sensitive than others. that while this isn't a good or a bad thing that friendships with people who are extremely sensitive can be exhausting and difficult. I wouldn't stand in the way of the friendship in any way, I would just encourage my daughter to reflect on how this friendship feels to her and that is she feels she is being made out to be mean and a bully and she is always having to apologize for someone else's hurt feelings, then she should re-evaluate the friendship. I would probably also avoid having OP's daughter over as Op isn't really a mom I want to have to deal with. [/quote]

You manage to throw the real blame off onto OP's daughter for being "extremely sensitive." Wow.

When you talked to your own theoretical daughter "about how everyone is different and that some people are much, much more sensitive" and so forth, would you bother to add that what she herself did was simply wrong? It looks like the entire focus would be on how OP's child is too sensitive and this friendship won't be much "fun." Nothing about the responsibility of the girls for making their supposed friend upset.  no matter what their "reasoning" (and you really expect OP to calmly ask these girls their "reasoning" for this?). Your explanation would let your kid feel that she had no real responsibility for upsetting her friend because, well, her friend should have been able to take the joke but darn, she's so sensitive.

You'd only tell your theoretical kid that she should have thought about how others might feel. So what follows?

Even if she meant it to be funny and it backfired -- if she isn't remorseful and doesn't do something to apologize -- really apologize -- the kid is off the hook.

Yeah, OP overreacted to a degree, but if the parents of the other girls were as soft as you recommend, this would all be treated by those parents and kids as, "Oh, sorry she didn't get the joke" and not as "We ended up really upsetting you, that was wrong, and we are sorry." Huge difference.

Even if the kids meant it purely as a joke, they are still responsible for upsetting the kid who is supposedly a friend. If they feel nothing about having upset a friend, or only feel anger that this girl got upset and went to her mom -- they were never her friends to start with.
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Of course I would tell her that what she did was wrong - this sounds like a joke that got out of hand. They probably thought it would be funny to give her a make-over and then got carried away and put too much make-up on. I have a 12 yr old girl. She does stuff fairly often that makes me ask her what made her think that was a good idea. Not every single thing they do is completely rational and well thought out. And we talk about why it wasn't a good idea and how it might have impacted or affected others and herself (negatively). And no I don't think my kids are responsible for the feelings of others. I think that is a horrible burden to place on anyone - your boyfriend is angry - daughter that is your fault. My daughter is responsible for her actions and in this case an apology is in order, however another friend would have reacted completely differently - thinking it was funny that they played a prank so it isn't some unwritten rule that playing a prank = total devastation. Lots of people have senses of humor - there are probably actually millions of people the world over who have had something written on them while they slept and most have laughed it off. Maybe the girls already knew that OPs daughter would fall apart if they drew on her and they did it anyways but I would say more likely than not, they didn't know that. I really don't want my daughter to have friends that label her mean, a bully, sociopathic, a hater, or who make a big scene for a joke that went to far or was not well received. I get that is what some posters on this thread think of those girls - that their only understanding is that those girls set out to be intentionally cruel and as someone who has a 12 yr old I disagree. I have seen my daughter do things that she thought were okay only to have them backfire and in the end it was a good lesson. She isn't a sociopath.[/quote]

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