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[quote=Anonymous]I think kids trying to navigate social situations in these years is so hard. Kids are so self -focused that I wonder if other people are really "real" to them in some ways. This things they did probably started as a way for the other two to bond. There may have been some aggression or weirdness, or whatever, but they probably were so wrapped up in their own feelings and insecurities that they were not thinking of how hurtful this would be or what the targeted kid was experiencing. I doubt they went into this thinking, "let's cause this other person an enormous amount of pain." I think as adults we interpret this kind of thing as a real betrayal (she was sleeping! in her own house! how could they!) when in fact it is just being young and stupid.

I'm not excusing them. I'm just saying they may not be awful people -- they just made a terrible choice. I think talking calmly with them and cluing them into how uncool this was is the way to go. I know OP tried to get her daughter to talk, but I think her daughter should have been the primary talker. The reason I think that is for me, as a kid, if my parents were informed I would have been punished. The whole thing, instead of being a learning experience and a moment between me and the girl I had wronged, would become a source of shame and humiliation because my parents would have hit the roof and I would have been reminded of it every time I saw that girl, so it would have been hard to be friends, I think. Now these two other girls have the shared experience of being outed to their parents and that would bring them closer, and maybe make the third girl even more excluded...but who knows.

I think anyone who thinks of sending an email at 3 am should reconsider and not send it.[/quote]

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