Anonymous wrote:pp and just wanted to add that only a step child (I am one) would feel the need to check if living at home during their grad school years was ok. Bio kids would feel comfortable enough to just plan on it. Use the time to strengthen everyone’s communication and bonds and you’ll all benefit for life. And maybe go to therapy during this year to vent in a safe space so you’re not full of resentment and can communicate about the cars etc. Expect him to do some annoying things and be a parent and work through it together.

Anonymous wrote:He’s shifting from guest mode to family resident. Make some happy joking comments about that to plant the idea in his brain. “It’ll be nice to get some help with making dinner [or whatever].”

For the parking, when he declines your request, don’t drop it. Say, “I know you will move it if I ask you to, but it has stressed me out for years and since now you’re an adult, you will understand where I’m coming from. And eve if you think it’s irrational, this is what I’m asking.” Just make the conversation so that if he keeps saying no, he’s a dick. And expect to remind him. And have the initia conversation without your husband around to interfere.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap. Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family

No it's not!

Even if the son wasn't a step kid, this would still be the right solution to get back-up from the husband. You clearly haven't been on the forum that long if you think getting DHs to actually participate equally in childrearing (including enforcing rules) and household management isn't a widespread issue. All the threads about Fair Play and having to be crystal clear and document who is taking responsibility for what with DHs is a consistent issue, including getting to place where DH & DW agree on what constitutes a task being "done" and what is acceptable (e.g. DH might think putting laundry in machine is done since if they leave it long enough it "magically" get's done, while DW is like no - putting clean laundry in drawers is when the task is actually done).

Even otherwise great husbands who are feminists default is to take advantage of women's "invisible" labor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap. Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family

NOPE. If I as stepmom am not given the authority to set standards and enforce rules, if my husband will not care enough about my feelings or desire to live in a clean house that he will back me up and stand beside me in holding the step kids to a normal level of civilized behavior, then it is on HIM to do the extra work to make up for their slack. He should be teaching them to clean up after themselves. They are legal adults, not five year olds. If he is not going to do that, then the extra work is on HIM.

young adult or kids, are "guests" in their one parent's home while the step parent continues to see them as a burden

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap. Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the stepson's viewpoint, this is what stinks when adults divorce and remarry!

Then, the young adult or kids, are "guests" in their one parent's home while the step parent continues to see them as a burden. I would be thrilled if my son lived with us in our city during an internship. His dad would feel the same. Parking in the driveway would cease, as I agree that is a pain, but otherwise I would be thrilled to provide a home base a low/no cost. The remarriage almost always messes up this dynamic. One is no longer simply going home, but instead, visiting mom or dad at their shared residence with that other person. No matter how wonderful that person might be, you are forever the outsider, esp, if they then have their own kids.

Not always. In my house, I am the outsider. The adult step kids rule the roost. They are slobs who don't do anything around the house. And I supposedly have no say or authority to get them to step up. My desires mean nothing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the stepson's viewpoint, this is what stinks when adults divorce and remarry!

Then, the young adult or kids, are "guests" in their one parent's home while the step parent continues to see them as a burden. I would be thrilled if my son lived with us in our city during an internship. His dad would feel the same. Parking in the driveway would cease, as I agree that is a pain, but otherwise I would be thrilled to provide a home base a low/no cost. The remarriage almost always messes up this dynamic. One is no longer simply going home, but instead, visiting mom or dad at their shared residence with that other person. No matter how wonderful that person might be, you are forever the outsider, esp, if they then have their own kids.

Not always. In my house, I am the outsider. The adult step kids rule the roost. They are slobs who don't do anything around the house. And I supposedly have no say or authority to get them to step up. My desires mean nothing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap. Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family

Anonymous wrote:From the stepson's viewpoint, this is what stinks when adults divorce and remarry!

Then, the young adult or kids, are "guests" in their one parent's home while the step parent continues to see them as a burden. I would be thrilled if my son lived with us in our city during an internship. His dad would feel the same. Parking in the driveway would cease, as I agree that is a pain, but otherwise I would be thrilled to provide a home base a low/no cost. The remarriage almost always messes up this dynamic. One is no longer simply going home, but instead, visiting mom or dad at their shared residence with that other person. No matter how wonderful that person might be, you are forever the outsider, esp, if they then have their own kids.

Anonymous wrote:From the stepson's viewpoint, this is what stinks when adults divorce and remarry!

Then, the young adult or kids, are "guests" in their one parent's home while the step parent continues to see them as a burden. I would be thrilled if my son lived with us in our city during an internship. His dad would feel the same. Parking in the driveway would cease, as I agree that is a pain, but otherwise I would be thrilled to provide a home base a low/no cost. The remarriage almost always messes up this dynamic. One is no longer simply going home, but instead, visiting mom or dad at their shared residence with that other person. No matter how wonderful that person might be, you are forever the outsider, esp, if they then have their own kids.