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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote] Anonymous wrote:
Op, this is how it’s been with my dad since I was a teen. I’ve had to detach myself so as not to feel immense sadness. But he married someone who is hostile to his kids and grandkids, is extremely controlling, at times outright abusive to him (he admitted it once a few years ago after a particularly nasty rage filled blowup). My sibling and I have had a tenuous relationship with him ever since, we try to maintain contact but it’s limited and especially now that he is elderly and frail, she is in control. Over the years she has isolated him from family and friends, he walks on eggshells around her so as to not ignite her rage (and he is dependent on her now to drive etc). I make an effort to stay in contact but I’ve had to let go of hope that my dad will ever be capable of a genuine relationship with his kids or grandkids. He has shut himself down emotionally over the years as a strategy to avoid conflict and as a result he cannot connect with anyone. A brilliant and incredibly successful person with no inner life. At least, not with family.

He’s currently in the hospital and I have to work around her to see him this week. I will attempt to get him alone to see if he still want her in charge: I worry with his infirmity she will become more abusive (she is angry at his illness and acts like he’s faking) and that he might prefer assisted living but I doubt he will be able to make that call. I have a feeling he is going to die soon and it breaks my heart but he has made his choice, over and over. My only advice is that you keep lines of communication open but establish your boundaries as well.

As for inheritance, it’s fine to ask your dad if he’s made plans to put his estate in a trust and who is the executor, but I have come to expect nothing (even though my stepmom is independently very wealthy and has no kids). I of course, it’s one more blow, emotionally, not really about the money at all but the idea that we could mean so little to this man, who once loved us so dearly, and that he could choose , over and over, a woman who has been consistently nasty to his children, grandchildren (who blows up at a 7 year old?), brother and nephew….anyone with a connection threatens her. Sorry for the diatribe, realized this was much more about me than OP but this ksbhownitbstaryed with my dad (albeit when he was in his 40s not 70s).

So it's not about the money, except it is definitely about the money.

I wonder how many of you wouldn't even try from the beginning if not for the hope of a payday.[/quote]

You are responding to me and you have absolutely no idea how wrong you are. You have no idea how painful it has been to see my dad disappear emotionally, to see him shrink into himself, unable to connect, and for me to long for a connection that I once had, to see my kids wonder why their grandparents are so distant. You have no idea about the therapy I’ve done over years to work through grief and find a way to maintain some connection to my dad while also protecting myself. It’s really telling that you can read my post and only see money, maybe because *you’re* unable to imagine why else I would keep trying. (And frankly the amount of money he personally has —since his wife is the rich one—-would not be worth the effort if that’s what I was doing. If you want to see this in transactional terms, I probably have spent more than 50k paying for our trips out here last 10 years….flights hotels etc…just to try to maintain a connection, esp for my kids who have no other living grandparents now.  I have actually dialed back, didn’t visit last summer, based on the realization (in part from a post here about a terrible thing they did to my kid) that I’ve been chasing him my whole life and I really need to focus on my own family.

What will pain me, and what I’m bracing myself for, is the fact that in death, as in life, my father will have made it clear that my sibling and I (and his only grandkids) just didn’t matter enough. There is no amount of money that makes up for parental love.

My advice to OP still stands: it’s fine to ask about plans but brace yourself for his decision (or lack of one, passivity is how my father avoids conflict). Keep open lines of communication but prepare yourself. 
[/quote]

It just keeps coming back to inheritance for you. Why do you think you keep bringing it up?

"What will pain me, and what I’m bracing myself for, is the fact that in death, as in life, my father will have made it clear that my sibling and I (and his only grandkids) just didn’t matter enough."[/quote]

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