Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confront him before it’s too late.

You have nothing to lose. Take the high road and you’ll be watching all his stuff go to her kids, and you’ll be begging for th photo albums.

lol. Yeah, going after the inheritance is definitely the way to rebuild a relationship.

OP. So for inheritance, I don’t necessarily care about the money itself. If he chose to leave everything to my siblings and nothing to me, I’d be fine with that because it’s staying in the family and I trust my siblings not to squander it.

But I do have a real problem if he leaves everything to her and her kids. She doesn’t work, so it’s a very real possibility she could convince him to leave her our childhood house so she has a place to stay, leave her money for her kids’ college tuition (they are high school age), etc.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But more importantly, I want to be able to see my dad. I want him to be able to see his grandkids without it being an issue with her.

So, you don't necessarily want the money, but you definitely don't want her to have it.

You do realize it isn't your money, right?

You sound incredibly toxic. No doubt this also comes out when you're interacting with her (or not interacting with her).

Agree that OP seems to be the one with issues here. OP said, "I’ve always been nice to her. She and I would go out together sometimes, she’s comes to my kids’ parties, and we’ve always been welcoming. That’s the weird thing, it’s not like there was tension or awkwardness. She’s always been welcome and we’ve had fun together."

Then look at her posting just above. Could it be more vindictive?

Sorry, but this is a classic case of an adult daughter who does not want any woman to step into a spousal position with her dear daddy. Especially if that woman (gasp!) dares to have any influence in what happens with/to her own husband and his money.

If you took this story and changed the narrative from a father's wife to OP's husband, and her father had this kind of attitude about OP's spouse, well everyone would be screaming about how wrong it is. How the father should butt out. How the father should realize his daughter was an adult and she and her spouse should make their own decisions without judgment.

But the second it is a woman who is in a proverbial "stepmother" role then all bets are off. Because EVERY woman who marries or has a serious relationship with a man (who has kids) is evil, right?

What are you going on about? The duty of a parent to a child (yes, even a fault child) is very different than the dynamic of a child to a parent.

The point is ADULTS. Does an adult have the right to choose a partner and make life decisions without seeking input and approval from any other adult - whether is it a parent, adult sibling, adult relative or adult child??

DP. You’re deliberately missing the point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confront him before it’s too late.

You have nothing to lose. Take the high road and you’ll be watching all his stuff go to her kids, and you’ll be begging for th photo albums.

lol. Yeah, going after the inheritance is definitely the way to rebuild a relationship.

OP. So for inheritance, I don’t necessarily care about the money itself. If he chose to leave everything to my siblings and nothing to me, I’d be fine with that because it’s staying in the family and I trust my siblings not to squander it.

But I do have a real problem if he leaves everything to her and her kids. She doesn’t work, so it’s a very real possibility she could convince him to leave her our childhood house so she has a place to stay, leave her money for her kids’ college tuition (they are high school age), etc.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But more importantly, I want to be able to see my dad. I want him to be able to see his grandkids without it being an issue with her.

So, you don't necessarily want the money, but you definitely don't want her to have it.

You do realize it isn't your money, right?

You sound incredibly toxic. No doubt this also comes out when you're interacting with her (or not interacting with her).

Agree that OP seems to be the one with issues here. OP said, "I’ve always been nice to her. She and I would go out together sometimes, she’s comes to my kids’ parties, and we’ve always been welcoming. That’s the weird thing, it’s not like there was tension or awkwardness. She’s always been welcome and we’ve had fun together."

Then look at her posting just above. Could it be more vindictive?

Sorry, but this is a classic case of an adult daughter who does not want any woman to step into a spousal position with her dear daddy. Especially if that woman (gasp!) dares to have any influence in what happens with/to her own husband and his money.

If you took this story and changed the narrative from a father's wife to OP's husband, and her father had this kind of attitude about OP's spouse, well everyone would be screaming about how wrong it is. How the father should butt out. How the father should realize his daughter was an adult and she and her spouse should make their own decisions without judgment.

But the second it is a woman who is in a proverbial "stepmother" role then all bets are off. Because EVERY woman who marries or has a serious relationship with a man (who has kids) is evil, right?

What are you going on about? The duty of a parent to a child (yes, even a fault child) is very different than the dynamic of a child to a parent.

The point is ADULTS. Does an adult have the right to choose a partner and make life decisions without seeking input and approval from any other adult - whether is it a parent, adult sibling, adult relative or adult child??

There is so much entitlement on this board. I grew up MC so I never expected an inheritance. So many people posting here are so entitled. Reminds me of a line in T Swift’s anti-hero.

Anonymous wrote:Why do men do this but not women (generally)? Do men just love their kids less?

I could not see my husband ever doing this, but it makes you wonder.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confront him before it’s too late.

You have nothing to lose. Take the high road and you’ll be watching all his stuff go to her kids, and you’ll be begging for th photo albums.

lol. Yeah, going after the inheritance is definitely the way to rebuild a relationship.

OP. So for inheritance, I don’t necessarily care about the money itself. If he chose to leave everything to my siblings and nothing to me, I’d be fine with that because it’s staying in the family and I trust my siblings not to squander it.

But I do have a real problem if he leaves everything to her and her kids. She doesn’t work, so it’s a very real possibility she could convince him to leave her our childhood house so she has a place to stay, leave her money for her kids’ college tuition (they are high school age), etc.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But more importantly, I want to be able to see my dad. I want him to be able to see his grandkids without it being an issue with her.

So, you don't necessarily want the money, but you definitely don't want her to have it.

You do realize it isn't your money, right?

You sound incredibly toxic. No doubt this also comes out when you're interacting with her (or not interacting with her).

Agree that OP seems to be the one with issues here. OP said, "I’ve always been nice to her. She and I would go out together sometimes, she’s comes to my kids’ parties, and we’ve always been welcoming. That’s the weird thing, it’s not like there was tension or awkwardness. She’s always been welcome and we’ve had fun together."

Then look at her posting just above. Could it be more vindictive?

Sorry, but this is a classic case of an adult daughter who does not want any woman to step into a spousal position with her dear daddy. Especially if that woman (gasp!) dares to have any influence in what happens with/to her own husband and his money.

If you took this story and changed the narrative from a father's wife to OP's husband, and her father had this kind of attitude about OP's spouse, well everyone would be screaming about how wrong it is. How the father should butt out. How the father should realize his daughter was an adult and she and her spouse should make their own decisions without judgment.

But the second it is a woman who is in a proverbial "stepmother" role then all bets are off. Because EVERY woman who marries or has a serious relationship with a man (who has kids) is evil, right?

What are you going on about? The duty of a parent to a child (yes, even a fault child) is very different than the dynamic of a child to a parent.

The point is ADULTS. Does an adult have the right to choose a partner and make life decisions without seeking input and approval from any other adult - whether is it a parent, adult sibling, adult relative or adult child??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confront him before it’s too late.

You have nothing to lose. Take the high road and you’ll be watching all his stuff go to her kids, and you’ll be begging for th photo albums.

lol. Yeah, going after the inheritance is definitely the way to rebuild a relationship.

OP. So for inheritance, I don’t necessarily care about the money itself. If he chose to leave everything to my siblings and nothing to me, I’d be fine with that because it’s staying in the family and I trust my siblings not to squander it.

But I do have a real problem if he leaves everything to her and her kids. She doesn’t work, so it’s a very real possibility she could convince him to leave her our childhood house so she has a place to stay, leave her money for her kids’ college tuition (they are high school age), etc.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But more importantly, I want to be able to see my dad. I want him to be able to see his grandkids without it being an issue with her.

So, you don't necessarily want the money, but you definitely don't want her to have it.

You do realize it isn't your money, right?

You sound incredibly toxic. No doubt this also comes out when you're interacting with her (or not interacting with her).

Agree that OP seems to be the one with issues here. OP said, "I’ve always been nice to her. She and I would go out together sometimes, she’s comes to my kids’ parties, and we’ve always been welcoming. That’s the weird thing, it’s not like there was tension or awkwardness. She’s always been welcome and we’ve had fun together."

Then look at her posting just above. Could it be more vindictive?

Sorry, but this is a classic case of an adult daughter who does not want any woman to step into a spousal position with her dear daddy. Especially if that woman (gasp!) dares to have any influence in what happens with/to her own husband and his money.

If you took this story and changed the narrative from a father's wife to OP's husband, and her father had this kind of attitude about OP's spouse, well everyone would be screaming about how wrong it is. How the father should butt out. How the father should realize his daughter was an adult and she and her spouse should make their own decisions without judgment.

But the second it is a woman who is in a proverbial "stepmother" role then all bets are off. Because EVERY woman who marries or has a serious relationship with a man (who has kids) is evil, right?

What are you going on about? The duty of a parent to a child (yes, even a fault child) is very different than the dynamic of a child to a parent.

The point is ADULTS. Does an adult have the right to choose a partner and make life decisions without seeking input and approval from any other adult - whether is it a parent, adult sibling, adult relative or adult child??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confront him before it’s too late.

You have nothing to lose. Take the high road and you’ll be watching all his stuff go to her kids, and you’ll be begging for th photo albums.

lol. Yeah, going after the inheritance is definitely the way to rebuild a relationship.

OP. So for inheritance, I don’t necessarily care about the money itself. If he chose to leave everything to my siblings and nothing to me, I’d be fine with that because it’s staying in the family and I trust my siblings not to squander it.

But I do have a real problem if he leaves everything to her and her kids. She doesn’t work, so it’s a very real possibility she could convince him to leave her our childhood house so she has a place to stay, leave her money for her kids’ college tuition (they are high school age), etc.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But more importantly, I want to be able to see my dad. I want him to be able to see his grandkids without it being an issue with her.

So, you don't necessarily want the money, but you definitely don't want her to have it.

You do realize it isn't your money, right?

You sound incredibly toxic. No doubt this also comes out when you're interacting with her (or not interacting with her).

Agree that OP seems to be the one with issues here. OP said, "I’ve always been nice to her. She and I would go out together sometimes, she’s comes to my kids’ parties, and we’ve always been welcoming. That’s the weird thing, it’s not like there was tension or awkwardness. She’s always been welcome and we’ve had fun together."

Then look at her posting just above. Could it be more vindictive?

Sorry, but this is a classic case of an adult daughter who does not want any woman to step into a spousal position with her dear daddy. Especially if that woman (gasp!) dares to have any influence in what happens with/to her own husband and his money.

If you took this story and changed the narrative from a father's wife to OP's husband, and her father had this kind of attitude about OP's spouse, well everyone would be screaming about how wrong it is. How the father should butt out. How the father should realize his daughter was an adult and she and her spouse should make their own decisions without judgment.

But the second it is a woman who is in a proverbial "stepmother" role then all bets are off. Because EVERY woman who marries or has a serious relationship with a man (who has kids) is evil, right?

What are you going on about? The duty of a parent to a child (yes, even a fault child) is very different than the dynamic of a child to a parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confront him before it’s too late.

You have nothing to lose. Take the high road and you’ll be watching all his stuff go to her kids, and you’ll be begging for th photo albums.

lol. Yeah, going after the inheritance is definitely the way to rebuild a relationship.

OP. So for inheritance, I don’t necessarily care about the money itself. If he chose to leave everything to my siblings and nothing to me, I’d be fine with that because it’s staying in the family and I trust my siblings not to squander it.

But I do have a real problem if he leaves everything to her and her kids. She doesn’t work, so it’s a very real possibility she could convince him to leave her our childhood house so she has a place to stay, leave her money for her kids’ college tuition (they are high school age), etc.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But more importantly, I want to be able to see my dad. I want him to be able to see his grandkids without it being an issue with her.

So, you don't necessarily want the money, but you definitely don't want her to have it.

You do realize it isn't your money, right?

You sound incredibly toxic. No doubt this also comes out when you're interacting with her (or not interacting with her).

Agree that OP seems to be the one with issues here. OP said, "I’ve always been nice to her. She and I would go out together sometimes, she’s comes to my kids’ parties, and we’ve always been welcoming. That’s the weird thing, it’s not like there was tension or awkwardness. She’s always been welcome and we’ve had fun together."

Then look at her posting just above. Could it be more vindictive?

Sorry, but this is a classic case of an adult daughter who does not want any woman to step into a spousal position with her dear daddy. Especially if that woman (gasp!) dares to have any influence in what happens with/to her own husband and his money.

If you took this story and changed the narrative from a father's wife to OP's husband, and her father had this kind of attitude about OP's spouse, well everyone would be screaming about how wrong it is. How the father should butt out. How the father should realize his daughter was an adult and she and her spouse should make their own decisions without judgment.

But the second it is a woman who is in a proverbial "stepmother" role then all bets are off. Because EVERY woman who marries or has a serious relationship with a man (who has kids) is evil, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confront him before it’s too late.

You have nothing to lose. Take the high road and you’ll be watching all his stuff go to her kids, and you’ll be begging for th photo albums.

lol. Yeah, going after the inheritance is definitely the way to rebuild a relationship.

OP. So for inheritance, I don’t necessarily care about the money itself. If he chose to leave everything to my siblings and nothing to me, I’d be fine with that because it’s staying in the family and I trust my siblings not to squander it.

But I do have a real problem if he leaves everything to her and her kids. She doesn’t work, so it’s a very real possibility she could convince him to leave her our childhood house so she has a place to stay, leave her money for her kids’ college tuition (they are high school age), etc.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But more importantly, I want to be able to see my dad. I want him to be able to see his grandkids without it being an issue with her.

So, you don't necessarily want the money, but you definitely don't want her to have it.

You do realize it isn't your money, right?

You sound incredibly toxic. No doubt this also comes out when you're interacting with her (or not interacting with her).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s already preventing him from seeing his children and grandchildren at Christmas, the war is over and you lost. The inheritance is gone. There’s nothing you can do at this point.

Agree.

She got my mom's house, that was paid off the month after she died, by her earnings while my dad spent, spent, spent.

That one stings tge most. Not because the house has a lot of value, but because it was the house we grew up in and our mom paid for, working even when her health was failing so the house would be paid off.

2nd wives suck.

So, to women who make bank, instead of paying off the house, put the money in a brokerage account that only you control, and give it directly to your kids at death. Your spouse can have the mortgaged house.

Or set it up in a trust. Husband and wife jointly own and if one dies it goes to the other. If both die, it goes to their children and not any future spouses.

My family is dealing with this now. My mom is sick. My dad is wonderful, but he absolutely will remarry (he's kind, good looking, loves being married, and is incapable of cooking or cleaning). My mom wants to protect her assets (and assets she inherited) from a future wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s already preventing him from seeing his children and grandchildren at Christmas, the war is over and you lost. The inheritance is gone. There’s nothing you can do at this point.

Agree.

She got my mom's house, that was paid off the month after she died, by her earnings while my dad spent, spent, spent.

That one stings tge most. Not because the house has a lot of value, but because it was the house we grew up in and our mom paid for, working even when her health was failing so the house would be paid off.

2nd wives suck.

So, to women who make bank, instead of paying off the house, put the money in a brokerage account that only you control, and give it directly to your kids at death. Your spouse can have the mortgaged house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s already preventing him from seeing his children and grandchildren at Christmas, the war is over and you lost. The inheritance is gone. There’s nothing you can do at this point.

Agree.

She got my mom's house, that was paid off the month after she died, by her earnings while my dad spent, spent, spent.

That one stings tge most. Not because the house has a lot of value, but because it was the house we grew up in and our mom paid for, working even when her health was failing so the house would be paid off.

2nd wives suck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Op, this is how it’s been with my dad since I was a teen. I’ve had to detach myself so as not to feel immense sadness. But he married someone who is hostile to his kids and grandkids, is extremely controlling, at times outright abusive to him (he admitted it once a few years ago after a particularly nasty rage filled blowup). My sibling and I have had a tenuous relationship with him ever since, we try to maintain contact but it’s limited and especially now that he is elderly and frail, she is in control. Over the years she has isolated him from family and friends, he walks on eggshells around her so as to not ignite her rage (and he is dependent on her now to drive etc). I make an effort to stay in contact but I’ve had to let go of hope that my dad will ever be capable of a genuine relationship with his kids or grandkids. He has shut himself down emotionally over the years as a strategy to avoid conflict and as a result he cannot connect with anyone. A brilliant and incredibly successful person with no inner life. At least, not with family.

He’s currently in the hospital and I have to work around her to see him this week. I will attempt to get him alone to see if he still want her in charge: I worry with his infirmity she will become more abusive (she is angry at his illness and acts like he’s faking) and that he might prefer assisted living but I doubt he will be able to make that call. I have a feeling he is going to die soon and it breaks my heart but he has made his choice, over and over. My only advice is that you keep lines of communication open but establish your boundaries as well.

As for inheritance, it’s fine to ask your dad if he’s made plans to put his estate in a trust and who is the executor, but I have come to expect nothing (even though my stepmom is independently very wealthy and has no kids). I of course, it’s one more blow, emotionally, not really about the money at all but the idea that we could mean so little to this man, who once loved us so dearly, and that he could choose , over and over, a woman who has been consistently nasty to his children, grandchildren (who blows up at a 7 year old?), brother and nephew….anyone with a connection threatens her. Sorry for the diatribe, realized this was much more about me than OP but this ksbhownitbstaryed with my dad (albeit when he was in his 40s not 70s).


So it's not about the money, except it is definitely about the money.

I wonder how many of you wouldn't even try from the beginning if not for the hope of a payday.

You are responding to me and you have absolutely no idea how wrong you are. You have no idea how painful it has been to see my dad disappear emotionally, to see him shrink into himself, unable to connect, and for me to long for a connection that I once had, to see my kids wonder why their grandparents are so distant. You have no idea about the therapy I’ve done over years to work through grief and find a way to maintain some connection to my dad while also protecting myself. It’s really telling that you can read my post and only see money, maybe because *you’re* unable to imagine why else I would keep trying. (And frankly the amount of money he personally has —since his wife is the rich one—-would not be worth the effort if that’s what I was doing. If you want to see this in transactional terms, I probably have spent more than 50k paying for our trips out here last 10 years….flights hotels etc…just to try to maintain a connection, esp for my kids who have no other living grandparents now. I have actually dialed back, didn’t visit last summer, based on the realization (in part from a post here about a terrible thing they did to my kid) that I’ve been chasing him my whole life and I really need to focus on my own family.

What will pain me, and what I’m bracing myself for, is the fact that in death, as in life, my father will have made it clear that my sibling and I (and his only grandkids) just didn’t matter enough. There is no amount of money that makes up for parental love.

My advice to OP still stands: it’s fine to ask about plans but brace yourself for his decision (or lack of one, passivity is how my father avoids conflict). Keep open lines of communication but prepare yourself.