Reply to BF said choose marriage or a career

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).[/quote]

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me. [/quote]

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”[/quote]

Well then that just reveals another red flag rigidity and inflexible thinking ability to recalibrate things need to be able to do in marriage and with kids without having a tantrum and issuing ultimatums.[/quote]

DP. I think it would be okay if he actually said those words. Issuing ultimatums without saying you are hurt is bad news.[/quote]

But why should he be hurt?

Honestly anything other than an excitement and a willingness to figure it out together is a red flag.[/quote]

Because the woman he thought he was building a life with in city A just said work in city B is more exciting than that life.

Of course he’s hurt. Any normal person who thought they were getting engaged in a couple months but finds out suddenly their SO wants to move away without a hint prior would be hurt.

[b]Some people want straightforward, simple lives with the people they love close by and there’s nothing wrong with that. 
[/b]
It would be different if she’d been applying to these programs for a year and he knew she wanted it and had time to plan their relationship around this path. She didn’t even know she wanted it until someone else told her she did! It would be different if they had discussed it as a “how does this benefit/harm our relationship long term”, but it sounds like it’s all about her.

OP needs to decide what is more important to her: this job, or this man. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him saying he’s not willing to do 2 years of distance or uproot things here. There is nothing wrong with her saying career advancement is the most important thing right now and she is prioritizing it.

But you cannot have it all. It is selfish to spring this idea on a significant other all of a sudden and expect them not to feel hurt.

OP, I’d look into your workplace benefits. Mine offers 3 free counseling sessions on any one issue. I’ve used it for getting through IL’s moving down the street, my mom passing, and spouse’s job loss. You could use the sessions to hash out communication techniques and talk through the offer and each of your emotions with a 3rd party.[/quote]
This might be the crux of the issue. Sounds like this isn't who OP is, and she will not be happy if she forces herself to be.

I'm not that person, but I'm married to someone who more or less is. I'm the PP way up thread who moved cross-country for what ended up being 4 years after getting married. DH didn't love this, of course, but he wanted to be with me and he knew that I'd never be completely happy if I didn't pursue the opportunity. He did try to find a job in the other place, but it wasn't where he wanted to be and he liked what he was doing. We made it work, it was a life-changing career move for me, and it all seems so distant now.

There are lots of ways to make a marriage work, even when there are big differences in your personalities and even what you want. DH and I were remarking recently that we have a lot of friends getting divorced, and it's ironic because I think early on a lot of people expected us not to make it. I am not commenting on this to be smug, because we've had some rough patches. But the one thing we got right, I think, was from very early on knowing and allowing that each other would grow and change and fostering that...getting to know the new people we were becoming. We are now both different from the 23 year olds we were when we first met, the 27 year olds when we started dating, and the 31 year olds we were when we married.

We've been together 20 years, and I still feel like I'm getting know DH and figure out what our life is together. Life is long, and 18 mos is way too early for ultimatums.[/quote]

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