Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

This. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We have a dual career household and it is not always smooth. My DH is far from perfect. When I go away on business trips, he sometimes gets pouty. I understood when the kids were younger but now that we have one in college and a driving HS kid, he still sometimes makes snide remarks. I have learned to let them go mostly and call out only when they are egregious. Despite his wanting me to be around, the two times a career opportunity has popped up for me out of state, his first instinct is to say “we’ll figure it out.” Man doesn’t like me being away for a week but is immediately and is truly willing to try to come up with a solution to a job in a different state if it’s something I may want. Both times I have declined because of the kids at home but it is nice knowing my partner’s first instinct is to help me achieve what I want.

You want your partner to be excited for you more than they think of impact on them first.

I don't think people would tell BF to take a job. I think they would be mad at him for wasting this woman's time, that she needed to dump him and get back out there, if she wanted to have a family.

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Anonymous wrote:And if the tables were turned what would you tell yourself? What would your friends tell you? I feel like people here would tell you that OF COURSE HE SHOULD TAKE THE JOB, NO QUESTION.

I don’t care about what friends would say. They aren’t in the relationship and I don’t include others in my relationship.

My point is that most people would support the boyfriend's decision to take a great job in another state.

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Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”

Well then that just reveals another red flag rigidity and inflexible thinking ability to recalibrate things need to be able to do in marriage and with kids without having a tantrum and issuing ultimatums.

DP. I think it would be okay if he actually said those words. Issuing ultimatums without saying you are hurt is bad news.

But why should he be hurt?

Honestly anything other than an excitement and a willingness to figure it out together is a red flag.

Because the woman he thought he was building a life with in city A just said work in city B is more exciting than that life.

Of course he’s hurt. Any normal person who thought they were getting engaged in a couple months but finds out suddenly their SO wants to move away without a hint prior would be hurt.

Some people want straightforward, simple lives with the people they love close by and there’s nothing wrong with that.

It would be different if she’d been applying to these programs for a year and he knew she wanted it and had time to plan their relationship around this path. She didn’t even know she wanted it until someone else told her she did! It would be different if they had discussed it as a “how does this benefit/harm our relationship long term”, but it sounds like it’s all about her.

OP needs to decide what is more important to her: this job, or this man. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him saying he’s not willing to do 2 years of distance or uproot things here. There is nothing wrong with her saying career advancement is the most important thing right now and she is prioritizing it.

But you cannot have it all. It is selfish to spring this idea on a significant other all of a sudden and expect them not to feel hurt.

OP, I’d look into your workplace benefits. Mine offers 3 free counseling sessions on any one issue. I’ve used it for getting through IL’s moving down the street, my mom passing, and spouse’s job loss. You could use the sessions to hash out communication techniques and talk through the offer and each of your emotions with a 3rd party.

This might be the crux of the issue. Sounds like this isn't who OP is, and she will not be happy if she forces herself to be.

I'm not that person, but I'm married to someone who more or less is. I'm the PP way up thread who moved cross-country for what ended up being 4 years after getting married. DH didn't love this, of course, but he wanted to be with me and he knew that I'd never be completely happy if I didn't pursue the opportunity. He did try to find a job in the other place, but it wasn't where he wanted to be and he liked what he was doing. We made it work, it was a life-changing career move for me, and it all seems so distant now.

There are lots of ways to make a marriage work, even when there are big differences in your personalities and even what you want. DH and I were remarking recently that we have a lot of friends getting divorced, and it's ironic because I think early on a lot of people expected us not to make it. I am not commenting on this to be smug, because we've had some rough patches. But the one thing we got right, I think, was from very early on knowing and allowing that each other would grow and change and fostering that...getting to know the new people we were becoming. We are now both different from the 23 year olds we were when we first met, the 27 year olds when we started dating, and the 31 year olds we were when we married.

We've been together 20 years, and I still feel like I'm getting know DH and figure out what our life is together. Life is long, and 18 mos is way too early for ultimatums.

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Anonymous wrote:Are YOU ready to marry him and start a family immediately? Or will you always resent him if you don't take this opportunity? I bet deep down, you already know. This is a gut decision.

I don't think there's a right or wrong, just be true to yourself and where you are in your life right now.

Marry - yes. Kids - not immediately but in the next 2-3 years. That’s our timeline that we discussed. We would start trying 1-2 years after being married.

I love him more than my job. I just wish I had both and he wasn’t willing to end our relationship over this. I know my career will be okay but I do worry my career will take a backseat to his once I have kids.

You can't have it all. I don't care what anyone says. Having him wait that long is not fair to him or you. What happens if a year and half in you meet some great guy where you moved and break up with him? You do need to choose.

The red flag is that he is willing to break up over this. Yes, you can have it all. Yes, you can change gears in your career as a woman, sometimes choosing career, sometimes choosing kids, sometimes choosing proximity. The fact is that the man in this relationship is very inflexible.

I would break up over this in a heartbeat if I weren’t married. I want a relationship with someone who values a stable, simple life. If my husband suddenly told me he’d been chosen for a role in Seattle, see you on Saturdays, I’d take him in for a lobotomy. That is NOT the life we planned together. If it had happened while we were engaged or almost engaged? Bye. That’s nuts.

Different than years of planning career advancements that benefited our marriage.

Different than him saying, “my goal is xyz, can we talk through how I can get there in a way that works for us?”

Different than him saying, “my job is on the line, I can either take this temporarily until I can find something back home or I can risk unemployment for a bit, let’s talk through which is better.”

But “hey i just found out I got this role far away for 2 years and it’s really cool!” Would be met with “what the actual F?” It’s not a red flag to not want 2 years of distance that you had no idea was of interest to your future spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are YOU ready to marry him and start a family immediately? Or will you always resent him if you don't take this opportunity? I bet deep down, you already know. This is a gut decision.

I don't think there's a right or wrong, just be true to yourself and where you are in your life right now.

Marry - yes. Kids - not immediately but in the next 2-3 years. That’s our timeline that we discussed. We would start trying 1-2 years after being married.

I love him more than my job. I just wish I had both and he wasn’t willing to end our relationship over this. I know my career will be okay but I do worry my career will take a backseat to his once I have kids.

You can't have it all. I don't care what anyone says. Having him wait that long is not fair to him or you. What happens if a year and half in you meet some great guy where you moved and break up with him? You do need to choose.

The red flag is that he is willing to break up over this. Yes, you can have it all. Yes, you can change gears in your career as a woman, sometimes choosing career, sometimes choosing kids, sometimes choosing proximity. The fact is that the man in this relationship is very inflexible.

No that is not a red flag. He knows what he wants. He will easily find someone new and move on. A 33 year old man with a good job who wants to get married is in extremely high demand. This move by OP will be 2 years at minimum most likely 5 years or longer. Why should he have to wait?

Neither of you is tied enough to each other to consider a sacrifice for the relationship?

You are exaggerating. He isn't asking to choose between career and marriage but a specific out of state job and growing career and relationship where you are.

What are you asking him? Move or put life on hold while you may fall for someone else?

After dating 18 months, it's completely understandable to be reluctant to be apart for longer than you have dated.

They are on the cusp of getting engaged in a few months, so no swipes at BF for not putting a ring on it yet. He has shown he's serious and she overheard him discussing the proposal. They discussed moving in together right away, then getting married and starting a family shortly after.

BF gets full credit for being serious. We don't know how exactly he said either marriage now or take the career promotion across the country. But will it only be 2 years? What if the company wants her to stay there, or move to their office somewhere else.

OP needs to decide whether having a high powered career is more important to her than having marriage and a family. Hopefully she can have both. Maybe not with this BF.

But she is on the verge of possibly giving up one or the other, mainly due to her age.

Getting engaged at 30, married at 31, pregnant at 32, baby at 33, baby#2 at 35 - she's already on a possibly tight schedule if she does NOT have fertility issues. If they happen to need fertility assistance, sooner rather than later is the time to find out.

Or if the draw of a promotion is pulling harder, this is a great opportunity and maybe it's just not in the cards for her and this BF. They can break up on good terms, both free to date, and if she should move back in 2 years, see where things are then.

If current home base is where both families are, does OP think she's going to move across the country, meet BF#2 who is from that location and convince him to move back to her current town? Not a sure thing.

It's time for more talking. If the company likes her this much, there may be future career advancement without moving away for 2 years. If she wants power career and family but BF sounds like he wants her to be a SAHM or shift to PT, well, that's an issue that exists now and maybe this discussion is just opening that topic earlier than it would have come up.

If OP can't bear the thought of not being with this BF for life, there's the answer.

If BF wanted to move across the country for 2 years, what would we be telling a 30yo woman? Even if they get engaged, there's a big chance he will move, meet someone else, and she will now be 32 starting over.

I won't fault OP for making either decision, as long as she understands what she is choosing and what she is possibly giving up.

I also won't fault BF for feeling blindsided by this sudden change in plans and not wanting to go 2 years without regular day-to-day interaction, just as they were about to start their engaged/married life together.

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Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”

Well then that just reveals another red flag rigidity and inflexible thinking ability to recalibrate things need to be able to do in marriage and with kids without having a tantrum and issuing ultimatums.

DP. I think it would be okay if he actually said those words. Issuing ultimatums without saying you are hurt is bad news.

But why should he be hurt?

Honestly anything other than an excitement and a willingness to figure it out together is a red flag.

Because the woman he thought he was building a life with in city A just said work in city B is more exciting than that life.

Of course he’s hurt. Any normal person who thought they were getting engaged in a couple months but finds out suddenly their SO wants to move away without a hint prior would be hurt.

Some people want straightforward, simple lives with the people they love close by and there’s nothing wrong with that.

It would be different if she’d been applying to these programs for a year and he knew she wanted it and had time to plan their relationship around this path. She didn’t even know she wanted it until someone else told her she did! It would be different if they had discussed it as a “how does this benefit/harm our relationship long term”, but it sounds like it’s all about her.

OP needs to decide what is more important to her: this job, or this man. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him saying he’s not willing to do 2 years of distance or uproot things here. There is nothing wrong with her saying career advancement is the most important thing right now and she is prioritizing it.

But you cannot have it all. It is selfish to spring this idea on a significant other all of a sudden and expect them not to feel hurt.

OP, I’d look into your workplace benefits. Mine offers 3 free counseling sessions on any one issue. I’ve used it for getting through IL’s moving down the street, my mom passing, and spouse’s job loss. You could use the sessions to hash out communication techniques and talk through the offer and each of your emotions with a 3rd party.

It's not a red flag if someone doesn't want to do a long distance relationship for years or up and move 25 hours away. LDR's are hard and many fail.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are YOU ready to marry him and start a family immediately? Or will you always resent him if you don't take this opportunity? I bet deep down, you already know. This is a gut decision.

I don't think there's a right or wrong, just be true to yourself and where you are in your life right now.

Marry - yes. Kids - not immediately but in the next 2-3 years. That’s our timeline that we discussed. We would start trying 1-2 years after being married.

I love him more than my job. I just wish I had both and he wasn’t willing to end our relationship over this. I know my career will be okay but I do worry my career will take a backseat to his once I have kids.

You can't have it all. I don't care what anyone says. Having him wait that long is not fair to him or you. What happens if a year and half in you meet some great guy where you moved and break up with him? You do need to choose.

The red flag is that he is willing to break up over this. Yes, you can have it all. Yes, you can change gears in your career as a woman, sometimes choosing career, sometimes choosing kids, sometimes choosing proximity. The fact is that the man in this relationship is very inflexible.

Anonymous wrote:I got offered an amazing job that will boost my career and open the doors for a better opportunity. The position is another state for two years. My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t want me to go. He flat out told me he loves me and doesn’t want to wait for two years to start our lives together. He is ready to marry me and start a family and I have to decide if I want be with him or choose my career. I feel like I will lose in some way whichever I choose. I don’t know if I will find another guy I want to marry or how this will affect my career. I don’t want to choose.

Your changes of conception at 32 will be even lower than they are now. Please educate yourself. If parenthood isn’t your priority, you should have been honest a long time ago.
Move on with your career, and stop wasting his time.

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you do both?

This. Get married, do long distance relationship for 2 years. My kids did that. If you love the person, you will find a way to belong to each other as well as give each other the means to grow (education, career etc).

I find it weird that the BF has said to choose.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Is it me or is it extremely weird for your boss at work just randomly put you in for a role 25 hours away and let you know after?

After thinking about it, if this happened to me, I'd probably interpret this as 'you're probably getting laid off if you stay here so I found you something else as a solid'.