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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]savior = off the charts organized with excessive executive function[/quote]

I was the savior-type for XDH. It's not that XDH's mom was cold, alcoholic, narcissistic, or anything like that. She was quite warm and kind. It's that in retrospect she had untreated, severe executive functioning challenges and was incapable of providing guidance. (I'm not just imagining this: all three children in XDH's family have been formally diagnosed with ADHD and two, including XDH, have been formally diagnosed as bipolar. These things have a strong genetic component.) XDH's dad was off-the-charts successful at his job and was never around. I once asked XDH if his mom ever provided guidance regarding schoolwork and he said no, she just sat in her chair by the window and smoked all day. It's very sad to think about.

For XDH, this translated into not knowing how to function in basic situations. He once came home thrilled that a boss had explained to him, apparently very kindly, that bosses want work done right the first time so they don't have to redo it themselves, and XDH was thrilled to learn this insight delivered so kindly. XDH also had no idea how to guide his own children or how to set expectations or boundaries for them. Of course he didn't know these things: he had no model from his own parents.

Yes, I have off-the-charts executive function. Yes, we had stresses, and I started to write numerous examples that scarred me, but I've said enough. What I really want to say is that, from the perspective of a savior, I wouldn't recommend the job unless you want to be labelled controlling and a perfectionist, and a lot worse, although XDH's mental health struggles added to his difficulties. More recently, XDH seems very threatened by our children, who are now successful adults and are handling some situations and logistics for him. I guess what I'm saying is that if you're in a relationship with a savior, make sure you have the skills to push back maturely if necessary, but mostly, make sure you're willing to accept guidance instead of seeing it as a threat.[/quote]

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