Anonymous wrote:savior = off the charts organized with excessive executive function

I was the savior-type for XDH. It's not that XDH's mom was cold, alcoholic, narcissistic, or anything like that. She was quite warm and kind. It's that in retrospect she had untreated, severe executive functioning challenges and was incapable of providing guidance. (I'm not just imagining this: all three children in XDH's family have been formally diagnosed with ADHD and two, including XDH, have been formally diagnosed as bipolar. These things have a strong genetic component.) XDH's dad was off-the-charts successful at his job and was never around. I once asked XDH if his mom ever provided guidance regarding schoolwork and he said no, she just sat in her chair by the window and smoked all day. It's very sad to think about.

For XDH, this translated into not knowing how to function in basic situations. He once came home thrilled that a boss had explained to him, apparently very kindly, that bosses want work done right the first time so they don't have to redo it themselves, and XDH was thrilled to learn this insight delivered so kindly. XDH also had no idea how to guide his own children or how to set expectations or boundaries for them. Of course he didn't know these things: he had no model from his own parents.

Yes, I have off-the-charts executive function. Yes, we had stresses, and I started to write numerous examples that scarred me, but I've said enough. What I really want to say is that, from the perspective of a savior, I wouldn't recommend the job unless you want to be labelled controlling and a perfectionist, and a lot worse, although XDH's mental health struggles added to his difficulties. More recently, XDH seems very threatened by our children, who are now successful adults and are handling some situations and logistics for him. I guess what I'm saying is that if you're in a relationship with a savior, make sure you have the skills to push back maturely if necessary, but mostly, make sure you're willing to accept guidance instead of seeing it as a threat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were very neglectful. My mother is simply not a maternal woman. For years I tried to find an alternative mother figure, seeking out unconditional love and just having someone see me. I stopped doing that a couple years ago because I realized no one will ever provide that for me. I am now focused on my own family and on achieving my goals. One tremendous source of support has been DCUM. I learned so much from the women who post on here, everything from having self respect to how to handle coworkers to parenting. The social capital the women who post here have is immense, unlike anything I was ever exposed to as a child of uneducated blue collar low caste immigrants.

This is such a nice thing to hear!

I learned a lot from from women (and men?) on DCUM too. Really appreciate smart, human community here.

Yes

Therapy and self reliance.

I also got the support I needed as a kid from extended family and teachers, so I have some issues (abandonment ones), but I manage them.

Anonymous wrote:Zero guidance and communication is weird. However, my (I'm GenX) parents were way too strict.They were reacting to the completely hands off parenting of their own parents. I'm raising my kids to have more independence and self-reliance. It goes in circles I guess.

+100.

^ by "strict" I mean too controlling and involved. Parents don't need to be involved in everything in a kid's life.

“One tremendous source of support has been DCUM.“

DCUM helped me go “low contact” with my family of origin, who dragged me down. They increased my workload by 75% at times. I report that I am happier now. It’s been 8 months.

Zero guidance and communication is weird. However, my (I'm GenX) parents were way too strict.They were reacting to the completely hands off parenting of their own parents. I'm raising my kids to have more independence and self-reliance. It goes in circles I guess.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think lack of guidance is what people here think it is.
Did they want you to have good grades? To have activities? Did they want you to apply to college? Did they listen when a friend upset you?
Every time they put food on the table they offered one sort of a guidance. When they drove you to school, guidance was there. Plus, let's all remember that when we are teens, we do not want to hear anything at all.
I don't remember my parents saying, you have to go to college, it was always understood, and clearly understood.

Why do you feel the need to discount all of the experiences here???

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to picture parents not giving advice or support to their kids. That is the whole...job. I don't really understand. What do you define as advice and support?

Look at the post just above you…

Anonymous wrote:My parents were very neglectful. My mother is simply not a maternal woman. For years I tried to find an alternative mother figure, seeking out unconditional love and just having someone see me. I stopped doing that a couple years ago because I realized no one will ever provide that for me. I am now focused on my own family and on achieving my goals. One tremendous source of support has been DCUM. I learned so much from the women who post on here, everything from having self respect to how to handle coworkers to parenting. The social capital the women who post here have is immense, unlike anything I was ever exposed to as a child of uneducated blue collar low caste immigrants.

This is such a nice thing to hear!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

My spouse did.
His dad and mom (and him and his brother) are all on the high functioning side of the autism spectrum.

I’ve tried to provide role modeling via myself, my brothers, my parents, vacationing with other families. And for awhile we sent the kids to private school so they became more social and socialized. Otherwise it’s all on me.

My spouse doesn’t acknowledge, however, what you are acknowledging. That there was a level of neglect and cluelessness and missing emotional support. He doesn’t realize that it was his guidance counselor that saw this dynamic and helped him get into college, the same one the counselor went to. He doesn’t realize that most of the world does not sit in silence during car rides or family dinners. Or that other kids did activities after school or took a real vacation once in awhile.

Unf his normal is neglect and isolation.

I stay for the kids. Everyone in my support network knows what I am going through. No meds will help him. He lies at therapy. He is closed off and thinks everyone else is crazy. Crazy to talk so much, do a sport, go out at night, go on trips. He cannot fathom another way of living besides his parents way. Which was quite off.

I’m sorry this is your family dynamic. You are a strong person to manage this situation.

I’m always curious about these marriages to high functioning autistic spouses. In hindsight, were there red flags? Personally, I can’t imagine being in this type of relationship.

I’m in a similar marriage and it’s REALLY hard. watching DH’s family interact is SO BIZARRE. They literally act like robots. The difference is that my DH WANTS to parent differently than his parents parented him. He wants to have a deep connection with me/our kids. Unfortunately, he has no idea how to. He also has no idea how to create traditions or how to teach our kids anything. I lost it a couple of years ago and typed out our “Family Values”, put them on the fridge and discuss them periodically with our children at dinner because I was afraid our kids had zero sense kf how to show up in the world. I try and model as much “relationality” as I can and give my kids instruction/advice but it’s exhausting to do it solo, along with all of the other parenting. I can barely be in a room with his surviving parent because I have a massive amount of resentment toward them for neglecting DH. In couples therapy the therapist told me (I was on the session alone) that I am my DH’s first/only healthy attachment. It’s all a lot…

Anonymous wrote:Lifelong learning. Sibling was worse off as they were the first child. I learned from observing that and got out as soon as I could. What p* me off now is that they're elderly and expect all kind of support. It's as if it's always been about them, all their lives. And no, I'm keeping low contact. Mom tried to re-imagine me as her "best friend" out of nowhere once dad passed and it was so out of place.

Yup. All the energy wenr ti equally emotionally immature sis whose life is a disaster. Mom is in nursing home

My father was pretty absent. My mom was always tired and wanted to be left alone.

My brother and I were sent to grandma for 5 months every summer (3 months after we started school) since we were 7 month old.

Strangers taught us things from not farting in public to needing to dress neatly.

Mom dismissed my concerns, dad left when I was 16.

After dad left, mom thought I Was her therapist. I was so happy to have her attention.

I left hometown at 21. I had very strong work ethic - I was grateful to get a well paying job - that meant financial freedom, met some good role models, met a good husband (who has his issues, but is a good person and is a good father). I am quite successful professionally, and quite happy, I overwork and overeat though - I need to get help with that - I still neglect myself as a survival tactic I learned when I was young…

You just kind of have to figure it out and live your life. My mother was like that; she was a single parent. On a bright side, these types of parents will never hold you back. You’re a builder of your own destiny. When I look at my kids now and compare it to my own childhood….I am like omg I am so grateful I turned out ok. I try to not make the same mistakes with my kids. I also have minimal interactions with my mother. Ironclad boundaries.