Reply to what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?

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Reply to "what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?"

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[quote=Anonymous]Op, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I experienced it too - an ex who basically abandoned the kids except when it is convenient for him to be a "fun" parent. He has not paid adequate child support. He contributes nothing to college. It sucks for me.

I love my kids, of course, but it definitely affected me and my career opportunities and my financial safety and future.  I'm not happy about it. And it sucks that our society allows this.

You cannot make a parent parent. The best thing you can do is focus on your kids. If there are problems, use your health insurance to get into therapy. You should get some therapy too - you need someone to help you process how unfair this is and move past it to focus on doing what you can to focus on what is in your control.

Here is what I wish I had done more of -

Focus on expanding your network and having more playdates or activities for your kids - these can be reciprocal activities that offer you some relief. Many activities offer free or low cost options for parents who can't afford fees. Make sure you use your non-custody weekends to invest a little in your own friends.

Involve your kids more in the housework. I wish I had done this at a very young age - even a 2 year old can help with things, and that establishes a good foundation for the future. Don't make it a punishment for not having a Dad around - normalize as part of their education that is going to help them
become independent adults and successful in caring for a house/family in their own relationships. Realistically, if you are under financial pressure, as your kids get older, they can get jobs and help out with their "extras" (fancy clothes, extra currics, special events) while you stick to basics (housing, food, your own retirement, etc.)

Whatever your income level, try to make time to have fun with your kids. It's very important for their bond with you. Make sure to hug them and kiss them even when you are exhausted. Try to find things to laugh about with them.

I went thru some rough times with both kids in high school, but in the end they have turned out OK. They are good kids and both in college and on their way to becoming independent.

I have never spoken ill of their dad. It's a fine line to walk between not speaking ill of him and not gaslighting them so they can grow up with a healthy perception of what is appropriate in relationships. Over time, they have come to see him realistically, which is a bit sad for them.

I wish I could have seen this coming (his abandonment), but, honestly, I did not, and I don't think I could have.  Over time it became clear to me that he is this way from untreated mental illness.  I kind of think of it like he got hit by a bus and has TBI. It is not something he can really help until he has the insight to take meds and do therapy consistently, which is unlikely to happen. When I get angry about it, I try to remind myself that all that mental energy is better redirected to me and my own life with my kids.

How old are your kids OP? Where is your family?  What are the main points of pressure? Maybe people can make suggestions to help. [/quote]

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