Reply to If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

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Reply to "If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Because everyone has limited bandwidth, and usually people are looking to spend their time with people who are easy and pleasant.

If someone is in your life for a reason - they're a longtime friend, they're an in-law, you work together, you share a hobby, etc - then you may have more capacity to deal with their quirks and difficulties.

But I think day to day, even people with easy lives or easy upbringings just don't have the space to manage people who are difficult for whatever reason. At least not long term.

Also if you grew up in a functional family, and have continued to live a pretty functional life, you may just not understand why the other person is behaving the way they do. So you may just write them off. Someone who's been through what you've been through would have a better understanding and perhaps more tolerance.

I'm sorry you're going through this.[/quote]

I agree with this post and the post above listing four (very good) reasons for an empathy deficit. It is really hard for people from functional families to understand the damage that dysfunctional families do to people. My husband comes from a somewhat dysfunctional family, but after he experienced my parents and sister’s behavior (they of course lashed out at him) he was like “they’re insane.” It really took his shock at their behavior, his family’s shock at their behavior, and our Rabbi’s shock at their behavior leading up to our wedding to make me realize that the level of aggression and contempt I experienced for my entire life was not only not normal, it was toxic and intolerable. Going low/no contact and having firm boundaries has been so healthy for me. People with normal families don’t get that though. They’re like “call them up and talk it out.” They don’t understand that some people thrive of gaslighting, triangulation, and enmeshment. You can’t just sort things out with someone who thrives on the chaos they create. They will constantly suck you back in and drain you of your life force. [/quote]

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