Reply to Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I had an absurdly terrible mother, and it took me a long time to figure it out, not because I'm stupid but because she was always talking about how wonderful her own self was, and I believed her, in spite of the evidence. In public she put on a good show--that was convincing to me. Kids don't want to believe that their mom is bad. That's not good for kids' sense of security.

Anyway: same boat as OP with a difficult (actually BPD/NPD mother) and a checked-out father.

When I had my child, I had a total mental health crisis when he turned 3 because that was the age I was when she started beating me and being controlling to an extreme degree. As other posters have noted, often mentally [b]ill parents don't accept that the kids are separate beings that they need to guide/protect. Instead they think the kid is property that they can control and use for their own weird goals, and take out their anger upon. It's hard to build up sense of self when your parents don't respect you as a being.[/b]

Well, as an adult I've been diagnosed with ADHD. I've read this can be genetic, but could also be the result of changes in the brain due to abuse. I've read that ADHD is difficult to distinguish from CPTSD. Well, guess what. I also got a CPTSD diagnosis as well. There's not really any meds for that. It's a matter of working really hard to "tone your vagus nerve" and spending lots of money on strange therapies like EMDR and stuff like that. Meanwhile you feel like an imposter because you were not a soldier. You merely were repeatedly abused when you were a defenseless child, causing brain damage that you didn't deserve and are trying hard to ameliorate.

The emotional/verbal abuse was honestly worse than the physical abuse in my case, but that isn't always so. A BPD/NPD will F with your head. My siblings and I actually grew up successful, we all have plenty of money and nice things in our lives. We had advantages and intelligence and are white. But we all deal, to this day, with mental and health challenges. Altogether, we have depression, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, CPTSD, eating disorders and maybe other stuff that my siblings haven't told me about.

Don't hit kids!! Also, don't procreate with a personality-disordered person, please.

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I experienced something similar but without physical abuse.  My mom treated me as if I were her property.  She did not have a career to many interests and she placed an extreme focus on me.  She was threatened when I wanted to do anything she disagreed with or didn’t share a belief on something.  She was especially threatened by any friends I made and she would always come up with a reason as to why I couldn’t be friends with them. Typical teenage behavior was met with hysterics.  I did struggle with a sense of self and had a tough time in my 20s.  Not to mention self esteem since my mom had always treated me like I was worthless and doing everything wrong.  I remember a weight lifting when I went off to college and she left me in my freshman dorm.

I also struggled with my first child was in preschool.  All of a sudden it all hit me.  She was a terrible parent.  She didn’t encourage me and love me.  She tried to control me and own me.

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