Reply to Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here - I don't think I am explaining myself well.

The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother. She was super strict/religious and overreacted about everything when I was growing up so I quickly felt from a very young age that I couldn't really share anything with her and my ticket out was to do well in school. And it's still true - whenever I am with her she immediately reverts back to treating me like a teenager and still takes my younger sister's side in every conflict so my instinct is to just both of them at arms length.

This is all coming to a head now since they are crashing my vacation next week. Again not a real question, just complaining.

[/quote]

You explained yourself fine. You just triggered a bunch of people who feel defensive about their own parenting or who are still processing what they dealt with as kids. And maybe just a few random jerks.

I think what you are going through is totally normal. Some people actually find it healing to recognize that they are parting their child the way they should have been parented, but resentment, sadness, and other uncomfortable feelings pop up along the way.

You didn't ask, but just know that it would be OK for you and your DH to keep your vacation plans to yourselves to prevent your mom and sister from "crashing" Just lie to them. [b]They seem to have a dysfunctional dynamic that requires you being around. [/b]It is totally fine for you not to play in to that.[/quote]
Dp. That is so interesting to me. My sisters summon me to family events, ignore or harass me while I'm there and punish me when I decline invitations. Recently, my sister refused to come with me to a doctor's appt where I was expecting (and received) a life altering diagnosis. The reason she gave was because I don't attend family functions.[/quote]

Another DP. My sister did something similar. When I went to family gatherings, she would summon me to speak to her at some point during the gathering so that she could lecture me about something. Or sometimes she'd summon me on the premise that she needed to tell me about something going on with our parents, but then no matter how I responded (even when I responded by asking her how I could help her or what she was looking for from me), she'd become angry because it wasn't the response she had in her head.

So I changed the way I'd go to family events, and arrange it so I wasn't available for these little conversations, or where if she wanted to have them with me, she had to do it with others around. Then she started complaining that I wasn't putting enough effort into our relationship, and now she barely speaks to me.

Setting boundaries can be difficult when the other person can't see or understand that they are violating your boundaries. But that's also when it's most worth it. I am sad for the state of my relationship with my sister, but do prefer this to the way it used to be, when [b]I always felt afraid of her or like I was scrambling to try and please her[/b]. At least now I feel at peace with my own choices.[/quote]
This is previous dp. This is the dynamic I currently have with my sister. When I have explicitly told her how I feel (stressed, unhappy, etc) she doesn't acknowledge what I said. Instead, she jumps to the next thing which is typically that I am not a good family member. I rely on logic to cope, but it doesn't work with her. Why do people want us around when they clearly don't like, approve, accept, enjoy us? [/quote]

PP. I’ve asked the same thing. But in the end, it doesn’t matter why. I don’t want to spend my time with people who will do nothing but criticize, judge, and make demands of me, so I don’t. If they are going to criticize/harass no matter what I do, I might as well just do what I want. I wasted time trying to please them and it never worked, so I gave up. Still have a crap relationship with my sister, but I have a better relationship with myself.[/quote]

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