Reply to DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??

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[quote=Anonymous]I agree with both of you.

Your husband should be proud, and so should you. When I look around at the adults I know, and I look at who is happiest, the number one indicator that I see is money, or career, or intelligence or even luck. It's the ability to figure out what you want, and make the changes needed to get you there. Your son can already do that at 19. Fabulous! Voicing your displeasure at him was absolutely the wrong thing to do. He's an adult. Arguing with him and treating him like a child and like you know better than him what's best for him was a huge mistake.

You should go back to him and apologize. Say you're sorry for reacting so negatively to his plans. Say sometimes it's hard for you to remember that he's an adult now, and that he's in charge of his own life, and that you will try to do better about remembering that. Tell him no matter what he does with his life, you will always love him, and you're of course so proud of him and the man he's becoming.

BUT - you are also right that if he's taking a year off from school, the terms of his living at home should ABSOLUTELY change. He should make this decision based on real budgetary considerations. So - figure out a reasonable amount to charge him for rent and utilities. Pass over car payments, insurance payments, and cell phone bill payments at cost (if it's a family plan, simply divide by 4). Not putatively, or to get him to change his mind or to "teach him a lesson" but because the arrangement you have now is for a student, and the arrangement is different with a working adult. Of course, when he goes back to college next year, you'll revert back to the old system. Is he doing enough chores for an adult in a shared living space? He should be doing roughly a quarter of what it takes to run the household, so make sure you think about that. And how do you want to handle food? Perhaps he chips in a small amount towards groceries, or perhaps he takes over shopping and cooking for his own lunches, and for one dinner a week for everyone as his share. This also makes it easier should he decide that working his way up in hospitality is a better path for him - that way, if he never goes back to college, he's doing so eyes wide open and in a self supporting manner. BUT you need to realize that this is a path he may choose, and you need to get your ego and your vision for his life out of it. You had 18 years, plus some, to impart your values. He gets to choose now. [/quote]

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